IF you are tired of it and want to move on, then do the latter. If you are still morally opposed to the idea of D then do the former.
The point with the first one is simple, most of the time the WAS will not follow through. The point of the second one is that once the LBS gets tired of limbo and fed up they will go ahead and pull the trigger on D.
It isn't so much conflicting advice as advice for where you are. The general rule is to give your sitch a good year before throwing in the towel. But that requires fortitude, patience, and self-control.
I'd be happy with her cooling off and thinking this really over for 6 months. But 1 month into this and her gun ho on mediation makes me think I should allow her to go at this herself to find out how (not) easy it is to D with kids. She is making it seem like this is so easy and no L's needed and it can be done in a day and we can go our own ways and kids are resilient and will just move right on with no impact as well....
IF you are tired of it and want to move on, then do the latter. If you are still morally opposed to the idea of D then do the former.
The point with the first one is simple, most of the time the WAS will not follow through. The point of the second one is that once the LBS gets tired of limbo and fed up they will go ahead and pull the trigger on D.
It isn't so much conflicting advice as advice for where you are. The general rule is to give your sitch a good year before throwing in the towel. But that requires fortitude, patience, and self-control.
I'd be happy with her cooling off and thinking this really over for 6 months. But 1 month into this and her gun ho on mediation makes me think I should allow her to go at this herself to find out how (not) easy it is to D with kids. She is making it seem like this is so easy and no L's needed and it can be done in a day and we can go our own ways and kids are resilient and will just move right on with no impact as well....
A big wake-up call for my W was when I called a lawyer for a free consult, and then told her about a few weeks later. Most WAS want to take the path of least resistance. If you offer some resistance it take the "gungho" out of them.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It seems I am getting conflicting advice here, which I suppose should not be a surprise. Some say 'let her file and do all the work' , some say 'help carry on/move along the D process'.
Im not sure youre understanding. I am NOT saying to help/move along the process. I am saying if she asks you for financial details, then its reasonable to give her that. If she wants to sit down with you to discuss a parenting plan, then its reasonable to do that.
Im saying that it isnt your job to make a budget for her. It isnt your job to go out and find a mediator and set the appointment. Im also saying that you shouldnt say "Im going to go to the mediator with you" if you have no intention of doing so.
Let her drive. Your job is to basically let her drive without throwing up roadblocks or putting on the brakes because "yoou dont want a divorce" or "you want to stay married longer" or things like that.
It seems I am getting conflicting advice here, which I suppose should not be a surprise. Some say 'let her file and do all the work' , some say 'help carry on/move along the D process'.
Im not sure youre understanding. I am NOT saying to help/move along the process. I am saying if she asks you for financial details, then its reasonable to give her that. If she wants to sit down with you to discuss a parenting plan, then its reasonable to do that.
Im saying that it isnt your job to make a budget for her. It isnt your job to go out and find a mediator and set the appointment. Im also saying that you shouldnt say "Im going to go to the mediator with you" if you have no intention of doing so.
Let her drive. Your job is to basically let her drive without throwing up roadblocks or putting on the brakes because "yoou dont want a divorce" or "you want to stay married longer" or things like that.
Thanks - this is 100 percent what I am doing - and my plan.
As I read my state laws - you have to have "Irretrievable breakdown in relationship for a period of at least six months" in order to file for no-fault. I am not sure how that time frame is time-boxed, I assume from BD which was right around new years.
This varies a lot from state-to-state, in some states the two of you have to agree what that date is. In other states you have to file for D before the clock starts ticking. In others if you file for S then that is considered the start date.
Originally Posted by svdad
It seems I am getting conflicting advice here, which I suppose should not be a surprise. Some say 'let her file and do all the work' , some say 'help carry on/move along the D process'.
It looks like you got some clarification from Steve and MF on this but as they said, the DB'ing approach is don't do the work yourself but don't interfere with the process either. It only takes one to D, so you can't stop it. If you try to stonewall her on it it'll just make her angry and more convinced D is the only answer. But if you go along with it and provide her with any info she requests, then it sends a message that you may not want D but you are not going to stop it either. And that removes the pressure from her, and she may very well stop pursuing it (it happens here a LOT).
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If this was a prolonged IHS with anger and kids effected by it, I would be more inclined to hurry along the D.
You've always got that option and sometimes it does come to that. Just make sure that you're thinking about it calmly and rationally and not acting out of anger or frustration or a lack of patience.
This varies a lot from state-to-state, in some states the two of you have to agree what that date is. In other states you have to file for D before the clock starts ticking. In others if you file for S then that is considered the start date.
Thanks for this! Since I have yet to have L consultation this was something that I was very curious about. Much appreciated AS!
So, quick update. Not much has happened other than I have had a couple of consults with L's to understand this process and my rights (and to get an idea for child support and alimony cost I am going to have to provide .. which is a LOT of money I was not expecting since we are 50/50 custody agreement....). I make almost 3x than she does so I guess that is why one attorney said....
But, she sent me this link. http://divorceyourselfny.com Is she really serious? What should I respond? First mediator route and now this divorceyourself $300 kit or whatever it is?
Part of me wants to respond "are you serious?" but the other part of me wants to just go forward with it and possibly not have to pay all this child support/alimony. Seems like she is really clueless about this process and really *really* just wants it done fast. And she believes divorcing is so simple you can do it with a $300 kit.....
Tell her you don't feel comfortable doing this process online.
Suggest a sit down to discuss custody and financial aspects of it. If you can come to an agreement you will still need lawyers but the cost will be minimal.
Tell her you don't feel comfortable doing this process online.
Suggest a sit down to discuss custody and financial aspects of it. If you can come to an agreement you will still need lawyers but the cost will be minimal.
It appears this is not only online, but there are offices not too far away actually. It just seems super fishy to me. Like a shotgun divorce.
Anyone else care to give me their opinion on how to respond or if I should possibly look into this divorce 'kit' as I might be able to get out of paying a significant amount of $$ per month if we go this route?
