Realizing that I am in the exact sitch that Sandi describes I wanted another confirmation...I know wrong thing to do. Friday I was able to confirm she was with OM. I called her out an told her everything she had been saying to me was a lie and I was moving out. NC yesterday and she had a gf call me crying saying should would do anything, what would it take? I said nothing I was done, I want space and peace for our family. Her requests were desperation obviously because I will not engage with her at all. She pleaded through her gf and said she would do anything which turned into agreeing to sign an agreement. Then a short time later turned to aggression via text.
This morning she said she didn't want to live like this and wanted to discuss. She started by saying that no one will ever come between us which of course I said it already did. She again said she would do anything. I just don't know if I care to be with her ever again...in ANY capacity. All I said is it best that we need space from each other. Again she started out very upset then said let me see the agreement which I laid out what she would have to pony up for me to leave and she said she couldn't afford even though I padded the numbers in her favor.
I walked away and then she started spouting off about when I was leaving, told her I couldn't without her contributing to household bills unless I stop paying mortgage. I refused to engage in any hostility and did not answer any of her banter.
Not sure what I want still but do I approach at this point and since she offered to do anything tell I need the passwords, access to bank and cc statements, Full disclosure at all times? Should I see if this is the point were she felt maybe she lost control of me finally? Even if she did all this still not sure if I would even take her back, but do I see if she is willing at this point?
Like Sandi said...what kind of work is she doing...do I put her to the test?
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I just talked to her. Asked her what she was willing to do. She agreed to giving passwords, access to bank and cc records on request. She said she told OM NC any more. I told her I would need to hear the conversation with me in the room which she doesn't want to do.
Still don't know if that would be enough.
Yes her issues are deep...she needs more help. I am taking space even though she is doing all this.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
She needs more help Lost. Is she willing to get some IC? Is she addicted to OM? I´m sorry to ask Lost...I was in your W´s position some time ago and let me tell you she can give you free access to everything but her mind...and there´s where the monster lives. I´m still doing IC, but, above all, I found this community. That lets me keep my monster at sight.
Take your time, be patient, get YOUR goals clear.
Be strong man.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
She wants to do IC. Was doing it for two months and was being told to leave me, she didn't like that and wants another IC.
She has a very addictive personality and has been alone her whole life by her perspective. Her parents have always been distant she has never felt loved, said she always thought she was never good enough for me and that I was going to leave her. Yeah she needs more help.
She has wanted to go back to church with me which we had been doing...but man I am at that crossroad....I need space and time. So disgusted by her behavior and lies.
Last edited by lost8; 02/17/1909:49 PM.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
My W was/is my rescuer you know. I´m really grateful for her patience and power to be the guardian of my family when I was lost into the fog...
You need to be that lighthouse Lost. I´m not meaning that you keep the actual status quo, I mean do not rush into decisions. Take your time. DB is a love based aproach to our sitches, remember that. We choose to love, love our partners and love ourselves.
Ease your mind L, get some rest.
We are here with you.
(((L)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Wanted to show some support right before work. Lost, the fact she is not wanting to show you directly by talking NC to him on the phone with you there speaks volumes. Please listen to yourself, whatever it takes. Be calm in this storm. You sound like you’re still in the fog too reactionary. (())
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I should have read your updates before replying to your post on Sandi's Reflections. Not that I told you wrong in that post, but I have more to say since reading your update.
First of all, I have to agree with Neffer that your WW is not "there" just yet. I think you need to make her work harder to get you back. If you make it too easy, she won't stick to transparency or anything else.
I don't like the fact she had a GF calling on her behalf. What you and WW have to say needs to be just between the two of you (and later a MC), not friends or family. I know why she used the GF, but it's no good. It's a tactic women use. The GF was to pave the way and soften you. Was the GF crying, or your WW? Did GF tell you WW was crying?
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I said nothing I was done, I want space and peace for our family
Good!
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She pleaded through her gf and said she would do anything which turned into agreeing to sign an agreement. Then a short time later turned to aggression via text.
Well let me tell you about this aggression, okay? I assume you mean she turned aggressive. This is the rebellious side that wants to keep her in charge of how things will be called. She doesn't want you calling the shots and requiring her to do anything she doesn't want to do. In other words, she is not being genuine about "doing anything" to save the M. She has to overcome her stubborn pride and rebellious spirit, if she expects to keep this M. She thought she would get her GF to intervene on her behalf and squeeze out some tears and you'd be good to go.
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Again she started out very upset then said let me see the agreement which I laid out what she would have to pony up for me to leave and she said she couldn't afford even though I padded the numbers in her favor.
Thus her phony attempts to patch up the MR! ^^^^^^^^^^
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I refused to engage in any hostility and did not answer any of her banter.
Good!
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Not sure what I want still but do I approach at this point and since she offered to do anything tell I need the passwords, access to bank and cc statements, Full disclosure at all times? Should I see if this is the point were she felt maybe she lost control of me finally? Even if she did all this still not sure if I would even take her back, but do I see if she is willing at this point?
I think you need to hold the line until you see some of her anger and aggression dissipate. She believes she has control of this situation and has no intention of succumbing to your terms. I suggest you tell her you need space & time away from her b/c you have a lot of decisions to make about your future. Tell her not to be texting, b/c you don't won't be answering......and not to get any of her friends to intervene for her. This will definitely put her focus on wondering what you will do. Let her squirm. Let her get mad. So what? She will probably contact OM out of desperation, but what else is knew? If she thinks she's lost her Plan B, she's going to start sweating.......which is good. She needs to worry that she's really lost you!
So, rather than hand her a list of requirements right off the bat, I think I would simply tell her (if she continues to pursue you) that you will need to be convinced things are truly over with her & any third party. If she starts swearing on someone's life or grave.......inform her that unfortunately her word is currently worth very little. If she persists in wanting to save the M or ask what can she do to prove to you........then you can bring up the passwords, transparency, etc.
Neffer may have something to add to this.
This is a very critical time, and it's the point that many LBH's don't pull back hard enough b/c they are too eager to save the M and afraid the WW won't pursue. If you are not certain you want to try it again, then take all the time you need.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She has a very addictive personality and has been alone her whole life by her perspective. Her parents have always been distant she has never felt loved, said she always thought she was never good enough for me and that I was going to leave her. Yeah she needs more help.
She has wanted to go back to church with me which we had been doing...but man I am at that crossroad....I need space and time. So disgusted by her behavior and lies.
Lost, I hate to say it, but she'll milk this for all it's worth to manipulate you into believing she's ended things with OM and is being true to you. However, it's not that simple anymore........and, in fact, you can use those words to her. "It's not that simple anymore". She is addicted, and if OM is out of the picture, she'll look for OM#2 to get the thrill again. The only way to break the power of this addiction is to go through withdrawals, just like with any other addiction. Then, she can't go around OM again. She can't partake of the forbidden fruit. There's a reason it's forbidden. Until she understands how it works, she may choose not to believe it, but if she stays with you.....she'll need to go through the process. It took me months of going through withdrawals. It's not fun, but it is necessary.
I am a Christian. I believe in repentance from the those who are lost in sin, and from the Believers who have backslid. I know from experience that a WW can attend church services without her heart being changed, and leave there and go contact her AP. Some unrepentant WW's tell their H they want them to go back to church......as some ploy in making the H think she's serious about the MR. No, if she has shown no humbleness, no remorse, and still wants to get aggressive instead of agreeing with the H's terms..........don't buy into it. I'm not saying don't go back to church. I'm just saying WW's will use going back to church the same way they say they will attend IC/MC. It is not a "sign" they are being genuinely honest. Many will say it, but many don't follow through with it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Friday I was able to confirm she was with OM. I called her out an told her everything she had been saying to me was a lie and I was moving out. NC yesterday and she had a gf call me crying saying should would do anything, what would it take? I said nothing I was done, I want space and peace for our family. Her requests were desperation obviously because I will not engage with her at all. She pleaded through her gf and said she would do anything which turned into agreeing to sign an agreement. Then a short time later turned to aggression via text.
I've said this before but a heroin addict can be fully repentant and ready to go to rehab and do anything to make things right immediately after their they've had a hit. But then a few hours later all that fancy talk proves to be just hot air after all as they become completely consumed with getting the next hit. When I see these situations where a WAS has been caught and is immediately repentant that's what it always makes me think of. Sure she'll agree to anything right now, but can she go a day or week or month without this OM or a new one? That's the real question. I would suggest you take a "wait and see" attitude. Just maintain your distance, don't look for any concessions, don't make any demands. Then if a month or two or three passes and she's still not seeing OM and is still repentant and asking what to do to turn things around, THEN have that discussion.
