Hello everyone. I am new here. I am in need of help. I read DR already but can really use some advice. I have been on here for 2 months reading and have finally deciding to put my story out there. In August 18 I realized my wife was becoming very angry towards me so I asked her what was going on. After a long talk she said she just wasn’t happy, she explained with her whole life. So, I told her we should just take a break for a few days and that I would move in with my parents this way she can cool off and then I will move back in a few days. We talked everyday on the phone, oh and we have 2 kids D11 and S8. When we talked on the phone she explained that she felt that I didn’t love her because i didn’t kiss her every time I walked out of the house, didn’t greet her at the door when she got home, didn’t kiss her EVERY night we went to bed or that sometimes we didn’t watch tv together. My wife is a big slob she never cleans up after herself or puts her clothes away. My house is a mess all the time. So, I told her her yeah there were times I did not want to kiss her because I would ask her to just put her stuff away and she wouldn’t. She couldn’t believe that I would get upset over that. During this my 2 kids were very upset and crying that we split. Well after a few days I asked if I could come home, she said no, she wasn’t ready. After a few more days I asked again and she said no. I then suggested a MC. She said she would go. After 4 weeks and 4 sessions she said she wasn’t going anymore the MC was taking my side. So we stopped going. But in the last session the MC suggested I move back in the basement (apartment down there) and try and see how living together would work: she was totally against it but I did it anyway. So in the middle of September 18 I moved back in to the basement. At that time she grew very angry that I was back in the house. Sorry one bit of information I left out, we have been married for 14 years and together for 19. I am 40 and she is about to turn 40. Once I moved back in that’s when she started to change. All of a sudden she wanted to go out bar hopping. Which she is not a big drinker at all. Started to become friends with more divorced women. Then in October I asked her if she wanted a legal separation, she said she wasn’t sure. I couldn’t handle living in limbo so I felt I needed her to make a decision. So, in October 18 I decided to reach out to a mediator and have them send her a letter. With the hopes this would snap her out of it and she would want to work on the marriage. When she received the letter in the mail she was shocked. I told her we can either forget the mediator and work on the marriage or do the legal separation. She said she needed to think about it. Well it backfired, she went and got a lawyer and filed for divorce. When that happened I said what are you doing, she said might as well just get divorced then. Meanwhile she was spending thousands of dollars on a New wardrobe, putting herself in debt(thank to we had split the money before that) going to the gym more, which she hated to do. Bought a spray tanning package. It was like she was becoming a whole new person. Every weekend bar hopping till 1-2 in the morning. I could never talk to her, she would give me one word answers. Fat forward to January 19 she went out and got a new car, hair extensions and lightened her hair. I tried very hard to stall the divorce because after so much reading I know she is going through a midlife crisis. She rewrote our marital history telling me she has been unhappy for the last 2 years. Never once did she express that to me or anyone. I even sat down with her parents and they said they don’t know what she is doing. Because of her debt she couldn’t afford the lawyer anymore, so she said she wanted to use a new mediator, not the one I originally picked. So, at the end of January we have been going to a mediator. We went twice already. My question is should I move out again. While I’m in the house I am doing the food shopping , house cleaning, picking the kids up from school, taking them to activities taking care of the bills. And she looks at me as a built in babysitter. Do I stay or move out. Please help.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello everyone. I am new here. I am in need of help. I read DR already but can really use some advice. I have been on here for 2 months reading and have finally deciding to put my story out there. In August 18 I realized my wife was becoming very angry towards me so I asked her what was going on. After a long talk she said she just wasn’t happy, she explained with her whole life. So, I told her we should just take a break for a few days and that I would move in with my parents this way she can cool off and then I will move back in a few days. We talked everyday on the phone, oh and we have 2 kids D11 and S8. When we talked on the phone she explained that she felt that I didn’t love her because i didn’t kiss her every time I walked out of the house, didn’t greet her at the door when she got home, didn’t kiss her EVERY night we went to bed or that sometimes we didn’t watch tv together. My wife is a big slob she never cleans up after herself or puts her clothes away. My house is a mess all the time. So, I told her her yeah there were times I did not want to kiss her because I would ask her to just put her stuff away and she wouldn’t. She couldn’t believe that I would get upset over that. During this my 2 kids were very upset and crying that we split. Well after a few days I asked if I could come home, she said no, she wasn’t ready. After a few more days I asked again and she said no. I then suggested a MC. She said she would go. After 4 weeks and 4 sessions she said she wasn’t going anymore the MC was taking my side. So we stopped going. But in the last session the MC suggested I move back in the basement (apartment down there) and try and see how living together would work: she was totally against it but I did it anyway. So in the middle of September 18 I moved back in to the basement. At that time she grew very angry that I was back in the house. Sorry one bit of information I left out, we have been married for 14 years and together for 19. I am 40 and she is about to turn 40. Once I moved back in that’s when she started to change. All of a sudden she wanted to go out bar hopping. Which she is not a big drinker at all. Started to become friends with more divorced women. Then in October I asked her if she wanted a legal separation, she said she wasn’t sure. I couldn’t handle living in limbo so I felt I needed her to make a decision. So, in October 18 I decided to reach out to a mediator and have them send her a letter. With the hopes this would snap her out of it and she would want to work on the marriage. When she received the letter in the mail she was shocked. I told her we can either forget the mediator and work on the marriage or do the legal separation. She said she needed to think about it. Well it backfired, she went and got a lawyer and filed for divorce. When that happened I said what are you doing, she said might as well just get divorced then. Meanwhile she was spending thousands of dollars on a New wardrobe, putting herself in debt(thank to we had split the money before that) going to the gym more, which she hated to do. Bought a spray tanning package. It was like she was becoming a whole new person. Every weekend bar hopping till 1-2 in the morning. I could never talk to her, she would give me one word answers. Fat forward to January 19 she went out and got a new car, hair extensions and lightened her hair. I tried very hard to stall the divorce because after so much reading I know she is going through a midlife crisis. She rewrote our marital history telling me she has been unhappy for the last 2 years. Never once did she express that to me or anyone. I even sat down with her parents and they said they don’t know what she is doing. Because of her debt she couldn’t afford the lawyer anymore, so she said she wanted to use a new mediator, not the one I originally picked. So, at the end of January we have been going to a mediator. We went twice already. My question is should I move out again. While I’m in the house I am doing the food shopping , house cleaning, picking the kids up from school, taking them to activities taking care of the bills. And she looks at me as a built in babysitter. Do I stay or move out. Please help.
No, you should never have moved out. In fact, you should never have given up the MBR.
Your W is wayward. MLC or not, doesn't matter. She is having her cake and eat it too. Here is my advice:
- Setup a childcare schedule. It isn't fair that it is all on you. You should be doing 50/50. Get her to agree to that. - When you are with your kids, you are super father. They are #1. Nothing is priority over them. They get 100% of you. On her days YOU ARE BUSY. GAL like a madman. Go out and do new things, meet new friends (Male only please), and enjoy life. Bowl. Go to the gun range. Test drive cars. ANYTHING, but be super-busy. - You have a lot of 180s to work on so work on that. Get into IC pronto. Stop being passive-aggressive about the housework. Also stop doing ALL the housework. Do yours and the kids. Do not clean up after her. Do not do her laundry. Do NOT be her maid. - Detach!! (Look up self-differentiation in marriage on Google.) Read the detachment thread. You need to be cool as cucumber. Noting affects you. You are an emotional rock around her. She could tell you she went dancing naked through downtown NY, and your response would be: "Oh, sounds like a good time!" And mean it!
Be the best Wolfman you can be. Your sitch is very similar to mine (with the house and the passive-aggressive behavior due to her slobbiness). I highly recommend reading No More Mr. Nice Guy because you sound like you have a lot of Nice Guy Syndrome tendencies.
Finally, dig in. This is a long process. You've expressed a lack of patience on your part already (not liking limbo, contacting mediator, etc). 180 on that. Become a long-suffering, patient, rock of a man! This is a marathon, not a sprint. Stop sprinting and pace yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for the advice. So, I shouldn’t move out then? Also, her birthday is this Sunday, do I just get her a card from the kids and maybe a gift certificate to a store? I am going to counseling for myself. My emotions are all over the place. When I am with her I have them under control, I don’t want her to think anything is bothering me. It’s just when she goes out my mind starts to wonder what she might be doing. And yes I am mr. nice guy I will definitely start working on that.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
No, moving out is never a good idea. Most D lawyers will tell you not to. Also, if she is in an active affair, not only should you move out but you should kick her out of the MBR.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry you're here. Steve gave you some great advice and I'd like to add to his.
Quote
Well it backfired, she went and got a lawyer and filed for divorce.
Well, I wouldn't recommend doing things simple to "snap her out of it". That's controlling. And you probably, deep down, want her to want you right? You aren't going to keep her chained up in your dungeon right?
Quote
She rewrote our marital history telling me she has been unhappy for the last 2 years.
I don't know if this is rewriting honestly. People are usually unhappy for some time in a marriage before they become a WAS. Obviously your W is likely a WW given her lifestyle.
Where is the divorce proceeding currently? Obviously you are in Last Resort Technique territory.
If your W won't move out, you may want to move out. You can't kick her out of the house or even the MBR, but you can try. Definitely consult your lawyer before moving out. A lot of people currently advise against it, but some of the older DB'ers would propose it if the WAS wouldn't move out. It will certainly help you in these ways:
1. Detaching 2. Stopping cake eating (AKA you being the built in babysitter) 3. GAL - you'll have more freedom there 4. It will let your W feel the loss of you
The whole move out vs not move out thing is tough. Lots of DB'ers find it popular now to kick her out of the house/MBR. A stubborn wayward spouse may not go for either and ultimately you can't make them. Every DB'er agree that not staying in an open relationship is a clean boundary. But if you are under the same roof and taking care of all the things she wants you to take care, well you are in an open relationship, you are serving up cake, you aren't detaching, your W doesn't feel the loss fully, and you have less time to GAL. See the conundrum? My vote is move out if she won't, but ONLY if your lawyer says it's okay. You don't want to hurt yourself legally speaking.
Here's a thread where the guy moved out b/c he knew he couldn't stand it being under the same roof, this guy really is a great DB'er:
And only move out if it's what you want to. I don't like telling people how to live their lives, but you seem eager to not being sharing space with her.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I feel like if I move out it will help me detach. Also, maybe for her to see what life will be like without me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want her to want me back just to do things around the house, I want her to want me back because she misses me and loves me. I am so torn on what to do. Before I even consider moving out though I will speak with my lawyer.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Do not do it because you think it will help you detach. It doesn't. Those that are in home separated think those that are physically separated have it easier. Those that are separated physically think that it would be easier if they were in home separated. So don't make that decision based on ease of detachment. It is NEVER easy.
Second, never do something to TRY to manipulate or control your WAS. It never works and always backfires. If the situation is so over the top toxic, with severe mental or emotional abuse, or physical abuse of any kind, then move out. Otherwise, DO NOT MOVE OUT for any other reason.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have time to decide. She took the kids on a cruise with some of our friends. I am in Florida visiting family. Sunday is her 40th birthday. We both get home on Sunday. Not sure what I should get her. Also, I was going to use that we been away from each other the past week for my decision to move out. I really don’t want to, just thought that would help with detachment. Which I understand what you are saying. I just think with me there she has her cake too. I definitely need to be stronger with her and create boundaries. She is good at twisting anything I say or do as me being selfish and being vindictive. Those have been her favorite words since this started. Always making me feel guilty.
Last edited by Wolfman; 02/22/1904:44 PM.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
