So I woke up on the impatient side. I just can't get over how talkative, upbeat, and engaged my W seems...yet none of the affection, ILYs, or closeness that comes as part of a R. I had to get out of the house, even though I wanted to be around the kids (despite their Fortnite addiction). My D18 leaves for college in a few months, so I want to cram as much in as possible!
I popped off the couch and said, I'm hopping in the shower and then heading to the gym. My W says, you're going to go to the gym? She smiled and said wow...alright. As soon as I walked out of the shower, she says, can I tag along at the gym? I said sure, no problem. She said, you sure? I said absolutely. It got a little awkward on the way to the gym when we tried to figure out if we were working out together or separately and just driving their together. But, we got passed it with small chat. We ended up working out together, encouraging each other, and fist bumping at the end of sets. Again, small talk on the way home. It's really hard to detach right now. I'm trying my best, but I'm guessing by not detaching completely, I'm just allowing things to fall back into bad habits. I want to know where her head space is so badly...UGGG.
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Just from what you've shared it looks to be going quite well. You are creating an honest safe space for her to come to you. It'll get awkward and if you are way out of line, the vets will help steer you back on path.
You know you're impatient. Don't let that set you back.
Look at your first sentence.
Then look at your last sentence.
What do these things tell you and everyone else? What do you think W will pick up from you?
BTW, did you say a while back both of you dated while going through this the first time around? How did you both heal from that? Are you both certain OP is not in the picture? You mentioned going on these trips and W is not happy and you wanted to be considerate of her feelings. is there a reason for that? Do you want to make sure she trusts you? And do you trust her?
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Great question. For me, detaching is allowing each of us to have the space and freedom to be who we are, not to be enmeshed or co-dependent. Letting go of control...particular of her. It also means that I have to be to a point where I don't rely on her or the relationship for happiness...or any of my mood states for that matter. Right now, I'm afraid my hopes and mood are dependent on our interactions...which is why I'm conveying that this is hard.
Adam,
Thanks for chiming in, I appreciate the feedback. Yes, quite sure she's not seeing OM or anyone else. There are no signs...I know for a fact that it's not the guy she dated when we were separated. He was her ex-BF from right before we got together in 1998. It ended badly in 2015 and she said the only reason she dated him while we were separated was because she felt like there may have been "unfinished business" that she never let go of him and the way he made her feel. Over the last 4 years, he has since married and moved 800 miles away. She made it very clear to me and the MC that there was no one else and she learned in 2015 that seeing someone before everything else was resolved in a R was a terrible idea (she likely made that mistake with me in 1998). Have we healed from that separation in 2015...I don't think so if I'm honest. She still has some resentment over the fact that I dated someone else. Said it made her feel that she was easily replaceable. Back to the possibility of OM, I really don't think so...obviously it always exists. However, she leaves her phone out all the time. She leaves her laptop open all the time. We have Life360 for all of our family members and it contains our drive history for the last 3 months. Gym, grocery, whole foods, lululemon, and practice (which we run together). We both work from home the majority of the time (which may actually contribute to our sitch). Not sure I understand this question...
You mentioned going on these trips and W is not happy and you wanted to be considerate of her feelings. is there a reason for that?
I do want to make sure she trusts me. I do trust her, but something doesn't feel right. She has no desire to separate or live independently, but it almost has this feeling of her just biding her time. If we separated or D now, we would not be able to afford D18's college, and it would be a financial mess. W has definitely thawed over the last month, just no evidence that she is actively working for a new and improved M. I'm sure this is just a patience thing on my side. As a matter of personality, I am super impatient, always feel like things need to be moving forward or backward, not standing still (limbo kills), and am filled with anxiety for the most part. She is super laid back, never gets stressed, procrastinates, and is always late. Pretty opposite when it comes to that. As Steve always says, WAW's actually have no trouble taking space and figuring things out in the home and taking as much time as they need. In contrast, I'm like, let's move forward or I want to run away!!
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
So W and I sat down to discuss how we are going to afford D18's college, which as most of you know, will be difficult. After a while, W questions how things have been going with us. I said I thought things were going well, but was still struggling a little with limbo. She said, "I think we've connected deeper over the last month that we have ever. We are having nice conversations..heck we went to the gym yesterday and worked out. We've never done that. Why are you still insecure with this situation? I had to be honest here...I said in some ways I'm protecting myself from a bomb drop or you connecting with someone else. She said "Miler, I've had the opportunity to leave this relationship plenty of times over the last 20 years when things were really bad, I'm not going to do that now." I replied, That must have been hard for you over the last 20 years. She started to tear up and said, It was. I said I was sorry that things have been such a struggle in the past, I'm working to change the things that may have made you feel that way. She shook her head and gave me a forced smile. I then said, I really didn't want things to get heavy, and we don't really need to get into R talk. Things are where they are, and we're taking this time to work on ourselves so that we have the chance to be happy together down the road. She agreed and we moved on to the more boring, but just as tenuous college discussion.
Any feedback?
I go out of town from Wednesday until Sunday. We got to MC on Monday.
Deep breath Miler...stay patient bud.
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
I think it was a great convo and your wife gets it where most WW's don't get it. You have been together for 22 years while raising three children. There will be ups and downs and days/weeks/years that you feel like giving up, but you don't, you work on it. That is the 100% true definition of marriage.
My question was because many LBS think their spouse is suffering from MLC or is WAS and not WW. 5LL and those touch charges might not be such a good idea with full blown WW if you know what I mean but it doesn't even come across like that with your W. If the past doesn't affect now, that's great.
From the past, since you haven't been fully in tune with your W, I hope you have the chance and really change that around for you two for the remainder of your lives.
Also, mind you though, marital status of OM and distance is not a factor in many, many of the stories here.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
She said "Miler, I've had the opportunity to leave this relationship plenty of times over the last 20 years when things were really bad, I'm not going to do that now." I replied, That must have been hard for you over the last 20 years. She started to tear up and said, It was.
Nice job with the validation!!!! I bet she thought "Wow, Miler is really listening to me!" Keep it up!
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I then said, I really didn't want things to get heavy, and we don't really need to get into R talk. Things are where they are, and we're taking this time to work on ourselves so that we have the chance to be happy together down the road.
Good. This is not the time to start putting pressure on her so well done.
