Too many people here are fighting a emotional battle with their WAS. You have to realize that your logic will not change their feelings whether there is a A or not. Your words won't do it, your telling your WAS how sorry you are, how you will change, rubbing her feet, and pleading. These things reinforce how they already feel about you. To change the way they feel about you, you must change the way they think about you.
How do you do that? Most of us vets give the same advice in different words. The easiest and very productive way of changing the way your WAS thinks about you is to - agree with them (validate), drop the rope (let them go), and GAL (take care of yourself, become interesting). When someone comes in my office and is upset about their account the easiest way for me to calm them down is to agree with them. Now they can't be mad at me because we are on the same side of the table. If I try to tell them why they shouldn't be upset (logic) how are they going to respond?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
In chess, it is critical that you do not rush into making a move. It is important that you take your time to think about what move to make. You should evaluate all your options and then make the best move. You should have a clear plan or objective before making the move. Make the move and live with consequences of that choice.
So you have agreed to mediation. Are you going to lead or follow? Do you have a plan? What do you want to get out of mediation?
If I were you, I would get an agreement in place regarding the bank account so that neither one of you can "Drain" it. Is this your best option? I will say no. Is it the only option you have thought about so far? Maybe. What other options are there?
Compartmentalize things.
1) Parenting 2) Assets . . . .
Listen to W. Understand her story. "I need more time to think about that" is a good response to things.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
In chess, it is critical that you do not rush into making a move. It is important that you take your time to think about what move to make. You should evaluate all your options and then make the best move. You should have a clear plan or objective before making the move. Make the move and live with consequences of that choice.
Definitely agree with you when it comes to S and D and/ or mediation. Be prepared. But what I was referring to is that most LBS's feel like they need to do SOMETHING to save the M and need to do it ASAP. "Just tell me what to do, what steps to take so I can fix this and get things back on track." And the attitude is "if I do X then will she do Y or Z? What should I do to make her do Y and Z?" Like it's all some game and they need to know where to place their pieces to "win" the game. But more often than not doing nothing is far better than doing something. It's best just to pull back and give the WAS time and space. We work on ourselves, our R with our kids and our R with friends and family. And that's not a game, that's living life. We go about our life and do the best with it that we can. And THAT makes us attractive to others, and hopefully the WAS as well.
Hang in there Jeep, I too felt 0% chance of R 9 months ago. It was only through full detachment and less engagement that things started to improve. Yeah...I ate sh** sandwiches along the way and watched the A happen, but it has fizzled.
I'm not sure where I am at now but I can honestly say that I can stand alone now. I do not have the codependency anymore. I would be 100% fine if it didn't work out.
First thing I would do is get off the joint account, that showed my W right away that she is no way prepared to continue doing what she is doing and for very long and allowed me to get my finances straight.
Hang in there buddy and keep posting.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Thank you for all of your kind words. I agree, I need to post on other threads. I read, but really have nothing to contribute at this point. As the wounds are so raw, I've been using this community as a way to take a single step forward each day. Most days, if not all, are torture.
I am resolved that my WAS is done w/ the marriage as it is. She has an allusion of what a life could be with the OM. I can't help that.
I am continuing to focus on detachment and GAL. She is used to having her way w/ me and as I say no, she is getting frustrated. You all predicted this.
She wants to grab coffee to discuss a "framework." I have zero interest in this. She has said she wants a divorce and wants to go to mediation. I will go when I'm supposed to go and work out the best deal for me.
I have zero interest in discussing her needs at this point. I feel like she fired me from caring about her needs. I will continue to show contentment towards her and when around her, but I'm simply not interested in hearing more about what she needs.
Also, I took my ring off today. I'm done living a delusion that things are going to get better.
"I am not ready to discuss this. I have a lot to process and this has all come at me so quickly. If you need to move forward, go ahead. I will not try to stop you, but I need time to consider everything."
Don't be pushed to discuss things you aren't comfortable discussing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
