Today is our third time for mediation. I think we are suppose to talk about selling the house. I can’t believe that we are even talking about this. I don’t want to sell my house but I also can’t buy her out. I am really struggling with this, because she won’t see we had a great marriage. There was no infidelity, abuse, drugs, alcohol or gambling. Like I said in previous posts she has noticed the changes I have made and yet won’t give our marriage a second chance. There is no question here just very difficult for me to deal with all of this. I wish there was something I could do for her to give us a second chance!!
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I haven't commented on your sitch before, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone in what you are feeling in your last post. I'm basically a year now post-BD and can relate to the "holy s88t, we're actually doing this and she has no desire to talk about us" and "how can she just burn it all down/walk away like it was all terrible" and any number of other feelings of disbelief that you are experiencing.
The cold, hard truth is that there is nothing you can do beyond coming to acceptance that what is happening is out of your control, save yourself/kids and keeping walking your life for you. It is beyond a surreal experience. Even after a year of dealing with this stuff the whole "I can't believe this happening" still recurs in my mind from time to time.
As many vets will tell you and I'll say in cliff-notes style now, the best you can do is fully let her go/have her way and maybe someday down the line she will have second thoughts and reach out to you and maybe want to R. Thing is you will be a different person if that time comes about and you may not want her back. Too much damage could have been done by her, maybe you met someone else OR from all of the reading/learning you do on yourself and about relationships, you come to the realization that she as a person is one with whom you could never have a successful long term relationship with. At this point for me my emotions/feelings for my WW have far less to do with what I think of her in terms of her looks/my desire to have her back and way more to do with she is not a person who can have a successful relationship given her personality traits and manners. When it becomes a more cerebral decision for you and less of an emotional need for what you had in the past, that will really make it hard for you to want to R with her again.
You are early days and there is always hope. Live though only for you, invest in your life and protect yourself and your kids (if you have them) in any legal proceedings. There is a purpose for why you are going through this in your life even if it entirely makes no sense right now. Have the grace to be easy on yourself as you work your way through this.
One of the things that the vets here say is, Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. I get that but she is moving forward with the divorce. So can I not believe her when she says she wants a divorce? We are going to mediation for the third time tonight. It doesn’t look like she is scared. I wish she was maybe she would have second thoughts. So should I believe the things she is saying?
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Today is our third time for mediation. I think we are suppose to talk about selling the house. I can’t believe that we are even talking about this. I don’t want to sell my house but I also can’t buy her out. I am really struggling with this, because she won’t see we had a great marriage. There was no infidelity, abuse, drugs, alcohol or gambling. Like I said in previous posts she has noticed the changes I have made and yet won’t give our marriage a second chance. There is no question here just very difficult for me to deal with all of this. I wish there was something I could do for her to give us a second chance!!
Wolfman, I would suggest you setting up a signature like many of us has. Showing your age, her age, kids ages, and significant dates (BD, etc). It is very helpful. I know that my advice for LBSs that have kids is very different than for LBSs without kids. Kids complicate things greatly.
I understand what you are feeling. I too was in disbelief, despite understanding my ownership in it, that we were having the discussion that we were. I remember getting off the phone with a divorce attorney and thinking "did I really just have a consultation with a D lawyer?!?" It was surreal.
Hang in there, it will get better. Breathe and stay positive.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wolfman, click on your name up to the right under Michelle's video, and then select Edit Profile. Signature is part of the profile.
Thanks for the reminder on your sitch again with the above.
Your W is at a tenuous point in life. Women especially are susceptible to the "Decade Life Analysis Phenomenon" (I just made that up.)
I knew girls that flipped out over turning 20! 30, 40, and 50 do not get any easier. I know my wife turning 50 was a big part of our problem last year. So she is 40 now, she probably feels like life is passing her by, she has lost herself, and turning 40 has made her take stock of what she wants in the future.
Most of the times Ws like this will move at break neck speed at first. My W, the first few weeks of our sitch, was gungho. Looking for apartments (she didn't even have an income yet!), searching for jobs. Even started updating her resume. 5 weeks in it all came to a stop.
If you can be patient, DB like a boss, and be consistent, over time she might change. If you had asked me 1-4 weeks after BD what chance I gave my marriage I would have said 0-5%. It always look bleak for weeks and even months. Let he dust settle before throwing in the towel.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Since our separation I don’t go crazy cleaning the house anymore. So, it gets a bit messy now but I don’t care. One of the first things she wants to tell me about is house the house is a disaster and what a mess it is and asked me if I stopped cleaning up. I told her I was still straightening up it’s just that my 2 kids are slobs and keep making a mess. She said the house is disgusting and that she could just give it away. So, I validated her feelings that the house is a mess and the kids need to do a better job at cleaning. Then later on she started to tell me how relaxed she was on the cruise that there were no problems. Except for my D who is 11 who always is a pain in the butt. Obviously on a cruise you will be relaxed it’s vacation. She tries to push my buttons because in the past I use to have a temper. I told her I am glad it was relaxing.
I feel like maybe Im confused. Youre going to blame your house being a mess on a 11 and 8 year old? When you know damn well that she doesnt lift a finger? Maybe better is "Youre right that the house isnt looking great. Would you like to set up a clear plan going forward about who will do what to keep things nice?" She is trying to push your buttons, like you said - are you going to cower or stand up for yourself?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
she said she doesn’t want to be home because of the situation in the house. My D never said that. She always try’s to make me feel bad because she wants me out of the house. I told my wife what do you want me to do? She said she just wants this divorce to be done and that we have months before it will be finalized. I told her we have mediation on Thursday, I don’t know what else she wants me to do.
Like this. What are you asking her? You KNOW what she wants. For you to just....go away. So what can you say thats stronger? Maybe something like "I think that there are ways to resolve this situation in the house." Or just say nothing. It doesnt really matter what your W wants right now, right?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I told her I am sorry that this is happening. She said I don’t need to apologize anymore but here’s the thing. She said she wishes I have been doing these things sooner. And right now she has so much anger inside of her. Again, I said I should have been doing these things sooner. She said I know and then I said good bye and left. Does this mean my changes are working and I just need to be patient? Or is there something else?
What are you sorry for, exactly, in this moment? Stop trying to placate her. Stand up for yourself. "Youre right, this does suck. See you later." Not everything needs to turn into a minor R conversation.
I’m not throwing in the towel, it’s just that she keeps moving forward with this divorce. We have been separated now for 8 months. I have been patient and working on myself. I see little changes from her, ex: she doesn’t go out as much anymore, she doesn’t leave the room all the time when I enter. Little more conversations. That’s all good stuff but she is like a locomotive, once she gets going it’s like I can’t stop her. I am trying to be strong but this is tearing me up inside.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
You're right about one thing, you can't stop her. So don't try. Focus on you and let her deal with her stuff and do what she is going to do. She'll either come around or she won't, but you'll be happy, healthy and fulfilled. That is what DBing is all about.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
because she won’t see we had a great marriage. There was no infidelity, abuse, drugs, alcohol or gambling.
Flip this around. Look through "her eyes": "He doesn't see that we had a bad marriage. There was no connection, no romance, he doesn't listen to me, he just wants to argue and control me." (Or whatever issues she has)
List out things like this. Then figure out your 180s.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
