lol, so I took lots of photos today including of a blossom tree in the garden. We share a photo account but he doesn't put much on there since he left, but he keeps tabs on what I take photos of. I took a photo of the sunset from the train because it was quite pretty. He texted me asking if the blossom tree was out yet (which must have been because he saw the photos, and the train one made him realise I wasn't at home) I started replying and then he rang me, asking me the same question. I thought it was very funny, he could tell I was going somewhere and wanted to know where, because it was quite noisy he asked me where I was and I told him and then he wanted to know what I was doing. So I gave him a short reply and headed off, sent him a friendly text later and he texted right back. I have no idea what he was doing tonight, I'm not prying and giving him space but I thought it was quite funny him worrying about what I was up to. GAL!
Incidentally, I told my counsellor today that I was GAL and he said 'but you already have one, a very full one' and I said yes, but I'm trying to fill some of the voids up with what I need. This evening's event was really interesting, I met a bunch of great people and had some fascinating conversations and a couple of beers. Perfect. I will do more of this!
This morning I went to an exercise class and really enjoyed it. It was so nice to throw myself into something and have fun without the constant nagging thoughts about my marriage draining the colour out of my life. I felt a bit like that last night too. I feel more like myself, more hopeful about the future and about being ok no matter what. But I still want a close and loving relationship. Dh has claimed on the few occasions that I've said this that this is what he wants to. He's got a jolly funny way of going about it!
Good things:
I am more patient I am more assertive I am getting better at controlling my emotions I am trying to be more vulnerable and open with dh I am trying to be warm and loving and more validating with him I am more empathetic I have realised just how determined a person I am I appreciate my good qualities more than I once did (intelligence, friendliness, optimism, plenty more) I can nearly do a plough after weekly yoga I am aware of how much kindness there is in the world, the kindness of total strangers has been truly wonderful I count my blessings
Some days I think I should thank my dh for helping me to grow. I can see that he too is trying very hard to be kind and gentle and paying attention and being interested in my life. It's ironic that it took this horrific phase for us to take each other less for granted and blaming each other less.
I know we have a way to go yet, but I'm hopeful. Tonight I will put on a nice outfit and makeup and go flirt with dh and have fun. I feel a lot of compassion for how lost he is in his life right now, underneath I feel like his family are the most important thing to him and that he has a lot of love to give, but he finds it so hard and has a lot of existential stuff to sort through. I will give him a big hug at the station and not cry on the train on the way home. Train people are not kind, I've found, tube people are though. Weird.
One thing that intrigues me about your situation is that one day he announces that he's got a flat and that you're not welcome there? You're his wife and you're not welcome to see where he is living? What is he afraid of?
I don't know. Obviously I originally thought that he was having an affair. But now I don't believe he is, we have joint finances and I see everything and we're in contact a lot. I feel like this flat is his cave to go lick his wounds, work out what to do with his life and have a shorter commute to work (his job is brutal enough without the commute, though I have always reminded him that it is his choice to do this job). I also felt like this flat was a temporary thing. He hasn't bought very much stuff for it, it's furnished and he has sleeping bags for any guests staying over. Given what a shopaholic he is, that seems like it's temporary to me. But he won't let me go there, I've stopped asking him now. Maybe I'll never see it. Maybe the next positive step is he asks me to see it and I spend time there. I don't know!
Oh, and the other thing was, when he first dropped the bomb and said I wasn't welcome there, he originally said he would come home at weekends. I was so totally floored by the bomb drop that I said no to that. But then little by little he's come back at weekends, even if only for most of a Saturday. So part of me wonders whether I over-reacted to the bomb drop and whether we could have repaired things better if I hadn't said no to the weekend thing? I've made it very clear to him that I love him, want us to be together and that I would love to have sex with him and repair our marriage.
Quick journal: I was very positive on the journey there. Nice outfit, red lipstick, bouncy walk all the way from the station. We had a fun date and then went for pizza. I validated as much as I could while he ranted about work. Told him what I'd been up to. Had a bit of a meltdown talking about ds1 getting prospectuses for unis close to home, I said maybe he doesn't want to leave home (unlike dh, didn't say that), that maybe he feels unconsciously like the man of the house now. Got teary, then changed the subject. Repaired with a silly anecdote from yesterday. When we got to the station he gave me a big hug, a proper hug. I kissed his cheek and said I hated saying goodbye. He didn't say anything but he always looks so panic stricken when we say goodbye. Sigh. Anyway, I will not cry on the train. People on busy trains pretend you don't exist.
Just wanted to say thanks for posting on my thread.
Your H is confused - he wants his freedom and he wants his family - and he is sending you lots of mixed signals.
There is a school of thought that says to wait it out, don't ask, don't pry and don't complain, smile and put your feelings and doubts on the back burner whilst they work out their [censored]. Be there for them when they need you.
There is another school of thought that says don't let him have his cake and eat it too. None or minimal contact, get on with your life, heal and rebuild. He will only truly want to come back when he sees the truth of what he has lost.
I don't know which approach, if either, is the right one. I guess the things that both approaches have in common is that whilst they are sorting themselves out, we, the LBS gets on with life. We don't pursue. We work on us. Focus on you and the right path will reveal itself. GAL and 180.
I am possible wavering towards the don't let him have his cake and eat it too ... so, personally, I would detach a little. Make yourself, if not unavailable, less available. You love him, you want to fix what is broken, but in the meantime, you also have a life.
Hi FS, this is definitely something I'm wrestling with...And you're right, I get sooooo many mixed signals! The issue I have with minimal contact/going dark is that one of our marital problems was that I distanced. And only now can I see how very painful distancing is. So if I distance more then dh with his fear of abandonment might decide to run for good. But I can't pursue because it comes off as clingy and desperate and pushes him away. So I'm trying hard not to pursue but just to send the occasional friendly text and respond to his texts. Enough to not distance but not enough to pursue, it's a tightrope and sometimes I fall off! But behaviour change takes time and if we're going to rebuild our connection then we both need to trust that the changes between us are permanent because our marriage wasn't in a good place for quite a few years and we can't go back there again.
And I am GAL, this week marks a turning point in that I feel. Obviously this separation and dating and him visiting our home can't continue forever, but I don't feel like I can put an ultimatum out there yet, dh isn't ready and he says every time I open an R talk 'don't ask me because you won't like the answer'. So I'm focusing on building our connection, restraining my overly negative or needy emotions in front of him in favour of being vulnerable occasionally and showing him we can have a better marriage. Whilst trying not to be overly hopeful for the future. That is so hard! I might yet change my mind and change tack but I'll try this way first because things are moving in the right direction so far.
thanks for posting on my thread. I thought I'd drop in here and check out your situation. It sounds very very hard. I guess we're at opposite ends of things because I'm not the distancer, he is, and he's still too angry and afraid to take some of the emotional responsibility for coming forward in the space that has opened up between us since I stopped pursuing (which admittedly, is very recent and has been inconsistent).
Anyway - I wanted to ask, have you read the book The Solo Partner? It has a section on this, and on emotional reactivity, and I found them both very useful and you might too.
I hope you have a good day and thank you for posting on my thread.
Hi Alison, someone else recommended that book, I think I will check it out, thanks. I've been thinking a huge amount about the pursuer-distancer thing for a while now, it seems like a fundamental issue at the core of many relationship problems.
Emotional reactivity too is something I'm trying hard to work on. Sometimes this gets totally highjacked by hormones, but at least there's a rhythm to those which I'm getting better at spotting. And I'm sharing my hormonal issues with dh for the first time so he's getting some insight into how hard that makes life for me both physically and emotionally. But yes, I'm working on my emotional reactivity so that we can create a safe space together to move towards a better marriage. His mother is very emotionally volatile (as is mine) so I can see how destructive that can be in others and try not to go there myself, if nothing else it must bring back really bad memories for my dh to see me really upset. His mother threatened suicide at one point, he had a very tumultuous teenhood
The things we are improving at is responding to each other's bids, and also repairing when we have a disagreement. Maybe I could be better at repairing when he's in a bad place, but I find it hard to spot because he's so closed down. So I'm trying to watch him more carefully, validate and not be too me me me but see the dynamic between us and what he needs. I still have wobbles sometimes where I go into self-pitying panic mode, but they're getting fewer and less deep.
