So to be clear... when initial semi-BD happened 4-5 weeks ago, she was definitely cold and distant...like she didn't want to be around me. No initiating conversation, no smiling, definitely no interest in casual touching, ILYs, etc.
In the last 2 weeks, those behaviors have started to change. She definitely initiates conversation, she smiles and says hello when she walks into the house or room....however, there are definitely periods where she still goes cold or feels disengaged. We had sex on V-day. On Tuesday she invited me to lunch, first time since BD that she has initiated connection time. Yesterday before I left was the first time she initiated physical contact (gave me a kiss before I walked out of the door for a 4 day trip). Last night was the first time she initiated ILY (via text mind you). Signs of thawing, but again, I would assume I have a long way to go as she wants to know these changes are permanent.
And because of this I suggest staying the course. The lack of pressure and pursuit (read pursuit-distance dynamic) is causing her to pursue him. However, if he starts pressuring and pursuing her too soon she will likely retreat again.
LH, you know I respect you to the end of the earth! Do you think he should start pursuing back?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm definitely in an interesting place. Her BD involved that I should be pursuing her more. My 180 is against basic DB principles. However, she also recognized that space is a good thing now. If she wanted to be close right now, I have no doubt she would be touching, initiating ILYs, etc. That's her way of showing love for the most part. I think I need to mirror her behavior. I slid in an ILY yesterday before I left. She slid one in last night. Maybe I should slide one in before bed tonight. If she exhibits some casual touching, maybe I should give some casual touching. It's not going to be an "all-in" all-out thing.
Also, to be clear... I am in NO WAY cold or distant. I am always warm, upbeat, and engaged when we do communicate. I also agree that the space and "distance" we have is perfect for allowing us to each work on ourselves in space with a small tether to each other. I do want to be able to detach thought. I think this is SUPER critical, even if we are a stable happily married couple. I am the KING of allowing my thoughts and feelings/mood be based on how she acts or engages in the R. Totally unhealthy for me and the R.
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Yes R2C - after not initiating any text or calls today after morning her morning texts, I just did my nightly call to kiddos. I was happy, upbeat, was curious about their day (used the, "tell me about your day" as suggested) asked about her day, gave her an update on mine. She was fairly short in her responses, but in all fairness, they were finishing up dinner and starting their routine for bed. Overall, she shared some enthusiasm about my work and seemed upbeat. Kids told me she was trying to clean the kitchen, clean up a spill in the refrigerator, and get S11 to finish his dinner. So, I kept it short and said, ok, I'm going to head back and finish up some things and let you guys get into your night time routine. Bye, hope you guys have a good rest of the night. She said, you too, talk to you soon.
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
So to be clear... when initial semi-BD happened 4-5 weeks ago, she was definitely cold and distant...like she didn't want to be around me. No initiating conversation, no smiling, definitely no interest in casual touching, ILYs, etc.
In the last 2 weeks, those behaviors have started to change. She definitely initiates conversation, she smiles and says hello when she walks into the house or room....however, there are definitely periods where she still goes cold or feels disengaged. We had sex on V-day. On Tuesday she invited me to lunch, first time since BD that she has initiated connection time. Yesterday before I left was the first time she initiated physical contact (gave me a kiss before I walked out of the door for a 4 day trip). Last night was the first time she initiated ILY (via text mind you). Signs of thawing, but again, I would assume I have a long way to go as she wants to know these changes are permanent.
Miler, there are different ways that recon happen, one way is the WAW has a "eureka" moment and suddenly decides she is back in and will do anything to "fix" things. The other is that she slowly comes back in phases. The problem with the 2nd type is it is hard to tell it from someone who is just "dangling the carrot" to keep the LBH on as Plan B. Right now it's kind of hard to tell which she is. What you need to do is just keep doing what you're doing. Don't be immediately available to her all the time. Keep up your GAL activities. Be mysterious about where you are and what you are doing. Keep being warm and friendly as you have been, but send her the message that you are your own man and living your own life. She can join you or not, that's up to her. But you are awesomely awesome regardless.
So to be clear... when initial semi-BD happened 4-5 weeks ago, she was definitely cold and distant...like she didn't want to be around me. No initiating conversation, no smiling, definitely no interest in casual touching, ILYs, etc.
In the last 2 weeks, those behaviors have started to change. She definitely initiates conversation, she smiles and says hello when she walks into the house or room....however, there are definitely periods where she still goes cold or feels disengaged. We had sex on V-day. On Tuesday she invited me to lunch, first time since BD that she has initiated connection time. Yesterday before I left was the first time she initiated physical contact (gave me a kiss before I walked out of the door for a 4 day trip). Last night was the first time she initiated ILY (via text mind you). Signs of thawing, but again, I would assume I have a long way to go as she wants to know these changes are permanent.
Miler, there are different ways that recon happen, one way is the WAW has a "eureka" moment and suddenly decides she is back in and will do anything to "fix" things. The other is that she slowly comes back in phases. The problem with the 2nd type is it is hard to tell it from someone who is just "dangling the carrot" to keep the LBH on as Plan B. Right now it's kind of hard to tell which she is. What you need to do is just keep doing what you're doing. Don't be immediately available to her all the time. Keep up your GAL activities. Be mysterious about where you are and what you are doing. Keep being warm and friendly as you have been, but send her the message that you are your own man and living your own life. She can join you or not, that's up to her. But you are awesomely awesome regardless.
THIS!!!
And I will add, Miler if and when she works through the phases and is back 100% you will know. Mine was a "come back in phases" WW. Admittedly she came through fairly quickly, but I did what AS suggested and stayed the course until I knew for sure she was back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
