Midlife crisis wife

[Wolfman]

Quick question. My wife just text me that our friend is having a birtthday party for their son. And her exact words are, “not sure if you want to go?” Do I go or not? Oh one of the things in the past is I didn’t always go with her to with these things. So do I not go as part of detaching or go as my 180? I’m so confused.

[joejoe1]

Do you want to go? If you do, then go. You won't be going for your W, you would be going for your son. I know it's hard when detaching to know how to interact, but use objectivity when making your decisions. Take your emotions out of the decisions and it will help you determine if you are making the right choice and at the same time not hurting your detaching.

Example: W-Not Sure if you want to go?

Wolf-Thanks to himself, by stepping back and pulling his emotions out. Questions to ask yourself: Is the party for my W? I'm I going for my W or son? Will my son like it if I go?

Answers: No, Son, Yes

Then go!!!! Don't miss out on memories with your son to teach your W a lesson. You won't ever get that time back.

[SteveLW]

Go for your son. Be a family even through this drama.

[Wolfman]

Ok thanks

[Ready2Change]

Quick question. My wife just text me that our friend is having a birtthday party for their son. And her exact words are, “not sure if you want to go?” Do I go or not? Oh one of the things in the past is I didn’t always go with her to with these things. So do I not go as part of detaching or go as my 180? I’m so confused.

Text back:
H:"I think it would be a good time, so yes I will go"

[Wolfman]

Not a good Sunday morning. Most mornings my W is in a bad mood because going back to work Monday. She told the kids we need to clean up the house. So far she hasn’t done anything but the kids and I have. My D was being disrespectful to my W. W hen starts to blame me that because I am still in the house. She said “when people separate they separate, not live in the same house.” I just ignored it, usually I would engage in that conversation. I know people here have told me not to leave the house, but man the verbal abuse I get every once and a while is real hard to deal with. I jus feel like crying, I am trying to be strong but his has been going on for 7 months.

[Wolfman]

I all most forgot. Score all of this happened I use to be such a strong man. I didn’t take garbage from anyone, now I have become a doormat to her. All because she use to say that I never listened to her and that I had anger issues. So, I am trying to show her I am not that angry, controlling person anymore. Why is this so difficult? I wish I could just get mad and put my feelings aside and me able to move on. Yet there is still a part of me that wants to save the marriage.

[ovrrnbw]

Wolfman,

what's up buddy? I got caught up on your thread this morning. I notice a theme where you make a change and then look to her. She notices it, then you wonder why she is still proceeding with the divorce. You also like to read the tea leaves quite a bit. Neither of these behaviors are benefiting you at all. I understand why you are doing them, but it won't help you. You are having a emotion vs. logic battle, so go ahead and ensure that your logic wins this one. You also state that your W may be MLC, well that should be enough to tell you that her actions and words won't be making too much sense. The answer is to detach emotionally and allow yourself to think logically. Be cognizant of your emotions and learn to manage them.

It took a long time to get to the divorce phase, it will take a while to get out of it. Your W is involved in a mental turmoil, and she is not sure about anything. But I think you are hoping your changes are going to "snap her out of it" still. And while they might, nobody knows when or if that will happen. So stop worrying about that. Read those threads that R2C linked, they are gold. The more you let go of her and work on you, the better of you and your sitch will be.

She said “when people separate they separate, not live in the same house.

I'm curious, did you somehow stop your W from moving out and separating in the way she described? If not, you should have casually reminded her of that. I'm 32 with no kids, but I can tell you that children act out. Children with an unstable home act out more. They act out for reasons that you may know better than I. Her blaming you is just a sign of her inner pain and turmoil. Don't take it personally, your W is hurting.

Stop being her doormat, but do it in alignment with your belief system. Don't be a jerk, don't be a pushover. Your current feelings with subside, find an activity to take up your time until then.

[Wolfman]

I never stopped my wife from moving out. Only one time 2 months ago she said she was thinking of it but didn’t. I know her to well, when she gets mad she will say all sorts of things that she never means. So whenshe said that I didn’t not take it seriously. I didn’t even respond when she brought it up. I know people have said that when I make my changes I look to see if she responds. I feel like I have to take notice to see what is working and build on that. I don’t make it obvious to her nor do I say anything. Thank you for your words of wisdom. This really helps!!!

[Wolfman]

I have a question for all the vets. My daughter is throwing a small surprise birthday party for my W at the house this Friday? Do I buy extra decorations? Stay there? Leave I do t know what the right thing is to do. Please help.