As we go to MC tomorrow after my 4 day work trip, I think I'll start a new thread (old one at 97 anyway).
Things have been going well since I have been home. She's definitely struggling with her family's issues. I just sit and listen, validate, empathize, and tell her I'm here for her. I've been super engaged with the kids since being home and already to a trip to Target. We haven't really had any time alone, but there is a small feeling of closeness, but still yet to have any physical affection, etc.
1) Continue working on myself and 180s 2) Be very patient, give her time and space 3) NO expectations, especially on a time line 4) Be supportive and empathetic about what she going through (especially in MC tomorrow)
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Build that bridge back to wife thru MC. Remember it’s important how you convey yourself to MC, hope you thought about what you might share and the overall intent. And tone and body language, your W will pick up on everything, you two are together! I have a strong belief you will strengthen your bonds. You got this!
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Ok guys...MC update. You guys were right, that was rough.
Here are some bullets: - W says "he's done complete 180s...he's like a different guy." MC asks, "in a good way?" W says, "yes, in a good way. I am just sitting back watch and just don't know where this is going to land." - W says some days she feels like she can give to the M, other days she doesn't - Says family issues, losing our foster child 1 year ago, and D18 leaving for college in a few months are very heavy, and make working on the M hard, some days easier than others - W still feels a LOT of pain from previous 20 years. Says some days she feels like a jerk and "punishes" me because I now feel the way she did over the last 20 years. - Does not want a D - Has hope for the future, buts doesn't have a crystal ball...doesn't know how things will end up
90% of the session, I simply validated. I was vulnerable and disclosed where I was when questioned by the MC.
MC wrapped things up by saying, sounds like 1 partner (me) is focused on fixing what they see wrong with themselves and is invested in saving the R. The other partner (W) is sorta stationary. She wants to save the M, and is giving what she has to it, but on some days that's just stationary. MC asked if I could be patient. I said I could be patient, but we both acknowledged that it can be frustrating on my end. MC requested that we not make any sudden moves or become frustrated until next session (one week from today).
I feel like things are going well for me. I an continuing to do 180s and GAL. I feel like my W is still in a lot of pain, and continues to feel like she is tired of "giving" (which includes to me, the kids, work, etc....she feels like she has shouldered the burden for the majority of the M...which she has). I think we are a LONG way off from being stable and happy, but I'll keep plugging.
Again, and she acknowledged this in MC, baby steps...she's invited me on dates, she's initiated kisses, she's initiated ILY. Progress from 6 weeks ago.
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
MC asked what I was missing from W. I said I missed her physical touch.
When W asked about this, here was her response, "I'm definitely not intentionally withholding touching you. That's probably something I need to work on. In the past, when we've had rough patches, we've relied on sex and touching to get through and avoid the hard stuff. I think there is an underlying current that I don't want that to happen this time. I want to address how we got here and not just sweep it under the rug with sex and being physical all the time."
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
The response to the touching thing is completely reasonable and appropriate. My response to her was, "thank you so much for sharing that. You are right, and that isn't the solution. Want I can tell you is that I am in no way looking for a quick fix, or if you'll just touch me, everything will be back to normal. The feelings you are having now towards our marriage is 20 years of pain and there is no quick fix for that." She teared up a little, thanked me for sharing.
She just left for Costco and kissed me on the way out.
Now, my feelings towards the MC session are a bit mixed. She notices all the changes, and thinks they are good, but "wants to see where this lands." I'm guessing that means either 1 of 2 things, 1) she doesn't trust that they are permanent, and/or 2) she's not really sure she'll like the new me when all is said and done. AND, this could all just be some paranoid narrative I am telling myself and it means neither .
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Good job listening. Good job understanding her story.
It sounds to me like things are moving in the correct direction. Focus on keeping the positive changes.
Review the list of "what women find attractive" again. Coach was a wise DBer.
Originally Posted by coach
CONFIDENCE
This by and far is the key. Women want to feel safe. A man that is confident projects that magnetism. A confident man is busy taking care of his home, career, body, cars, spirit, finances, mind and kids. When a woman sees her man handling his business and taking care of things it's attractive. Women nag when things aren't being taken care of, it's her way of letting you know what is on her mind. The problem is if you are a "nice guy" or pleaser you don't want to burden your wife with your problems because it might upset her. This makes her feel unsettled (not safe) because you are not being honest with her and you are avoiding her feelings. How can she feel safe if you can't stand up to her feelings?
One thing that was a huge 180 for me was how I reacted to my wife's worrying. I used to try and fix it, explain to her why she shouldn't feel that way and then tell her what I would do. (Women do you understand why men have this desire to fix things for you?) So the solution now is to really listen to her, try to understand her POV and then ask a probing open-ended question: "How can I help/support you with that?" It was eye-opening to me to find out alot of times that I wasn't expected to do anything except listen.
How to build confidence- get busy, take action, do something and talk about it.
Physical- strength training (it works wonders on the young men I coach), look good, dress like a man, walk tall, join a team
Mental- keep learning, read, take a class
Emotional - love yourself, know yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself, let go of fear, be a good partner, become intimate
Spiritual - understand your light and dark sides, challenge your view of God, embrace quiet, pray, be grateful
What else is attractive? Make goals and plans then share them with your spouse (intomesee). Have a sense of humor and know when to use it. Build excitement into your life. Don't be to predictable. Be responsible for yourself. You define your legacy.
When you become responsible for yourself you have the confidence to "set them free." Your happiness and your life is all about you handling it the best for you. When you let someone else dictate how your life will be run then you are a victim and that isn't attractive. The DB techniques are all about doing healthy things for yourself. You are in control of your thoughts, feelings and actions. So when your world is collapsing around you, how attractive is it to be in control and moving forward? That's the calm, assertive energy you want to give off. It's powerful.
Like to here more thoughts on what is attractive. I think the men here would like to her from the women and vice-versa.
M, sounds like you did a great job of listening and validating. As we've mentioned before, WAS's sometimes have an overnight epiphany and are immediately "all in" but that's pretty unusual and mostly they came back in phases like Steve's. So what you're experiencing is really more typical. It takes a lot of patience and you do seem to be quite patient so keep it up!
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