First time poster here. I apologize for my lengthiness, but I really need to get this out and get some opinions!
I discovered DB about 2.5 weeks ago when my W dropped our 2nd BD. I haven't read the book (yet), but plan to very soon. I've been scouring the forums reading everything that I can in the meantime, and have read other self-help and psychology books.
This all began in September 2018 when my W dropped 1st BD, "I'm love you, but not in love with you" and "I'm not attracted to you, and never was". She also said that she did not and never has enjoyed sex with me (some of this is warranted, but I am 100% sure that we've had many great sexual experiences that she is not recalling). This came very soon after a two week European vacation together that was amazing on all accounts. I did all the wrong things, started having panic attacks, begging, crying, etc. but I also started seeing an IC, working out more, and trying to do positive things for myself. During this period we were invited to a friend's wedding in India (Feb 2019), which we were both very excited about (having never been there). W decided she should go by herself for "space", and I planned a separate trip to SE Asia (April 2019) to see a good friend. Then her sister joined in this India trip, then her brother, and finally her brothers friend all jumped on this two week trip to India which I was not invited to.
We started going to MC, and it helped somewhat, but did not get to the root of the problem which W said were sexual issues. During MC it came out that my wife had been talking to her ex and had not been honest about it. During a weekend trip I had out of town they had a 4 hour phone conversation that she kept from me until I forced it out of her. He does not live anywhere near us (luckily), and she has previously said that he is verbally abusive and a complete dirtbag. During counseling she agreed to stop contact with him, but since then has been very secretive about her phone (we were previously always open about phone, texts, emails, with no boundaries).
We continued to go to MC, out counselor said she had experience in sex therapy, but it was clear that she was completely out of her element talking about sex. This actually brought W and I together, laughing about how awkward and unhelpful our counselor was. We eventually stopped seeing our counselor together, but each continued IC. We made incremental progress, and eventually my wife told me that she WAS in love with me and WAS attracted to me. Our sex life slowly reignited, and we were happy again. Things had started to be back to normal in Dec/Jan, but I was dreading this upcoming time away from each other when she went to India. She assured me that we would talk regularly, and that everything would be fine. We started talking about starting a family together, and planned to start that process when she returned from India. Before she left on her trip, W put together an amazing romantic gesture for me which consisted of daily love letters and photos for me to open while she was out of town.
On Valentines day, W was still in India, but had not been very responsive to my messages (one word/short sentence responses only via facebook). I opened up a lovely valentines card from her that talked about how much she loves/was in love with me and our future plans. I sent her a message telling her how much I loved the card and happy valentines day, with no response for hours. At this point I asked her what was going on and to please talk to me and she gave me 2nd BD via facebook on V-Day. W "wanted out and was ready for a divorce". This was a huge surprise to me and made absolutely no sense. A few days later she was in the states (wouldn't let me pick her up from the airport) and wanted me to come up with a plan to leave the house and was 100% sure she was ready to divorce. The last 6 months of real love, positive sexual experience, and self-improvement no longer existed to her, and her entire family knew we were getting divorced before I did.
I found DB a few days later, and we lived in the house, sleeping in different beds. She insisted that I move out very soon, and I told her that I would leave at the beginning of March so we could have space (I know, not the best decision). I bought a non-refundable ticket so that I could visit my family throughout March and have a support network (we both live ~1000 miles away from any family - we moved for her job). I'm lucky that I have a remote position and can work from anywhere.
During the two weeks that we had at home together, she was very hot and cold, sometimes angry, sometimes loving, but always insisting that we had no path forward. She tells me that I am the best man she's ever known and that I've been nothing but a perfect husband and partner, but she just isn't attracted to me and now doesn't want a family with me. I've been forthright with my intentions to fix our marriage, but have been trying to GAL, devote myself to my work, and continue to get in better shape. I have a sneaking suspicion that there is an OM in her mind - the non-sibling in India, and accidentally saw a message on her phone gushing about him to her sister - it is likely this isn't reciprocated, but I have no idea. I've told her I will not stand in the way of divorce, but am completely opposed to it, and see a future for us even she takes that step. Our last two days together before I flew away to give her space were very good. She was giving me lots of attention, and I could see hurt and confusion in her eyes. We slept in the same bed my last night in town, and even kissed as she dropped me off at the airport.
I'm now staying with my parents and surrounded by a wonderful support network. I'll be returning home for one week at the end of March before I go to SE Asia for 2.5 weeks. I've convinced her (I know...I know) to consider this a "trial separation", but I've already gotten loving goodbye messages from members of her family as if we're already divorced (I have a very good relationship with her entire family). She plans to file for divorce once I'm back from Asia and our "separation" is over. While I'm away, I'm attempting to detach and allow her to miss me, but my confidence in this working is very low. She wants to rush into this with (seemingly) no thought, and I'm so scared that my entire life is slipping away while I try to wait her out. I know I made the wrong decision leaving the house, but I promised it to her and I stand by my word.
Potential influencing factor: Two of her very best friends have recently been divorced (they were cheating SOBs). She also has lots of girlfriends who have been divorced.
I have no idea what the right course of action is here. I love her and will do ANYTHING to work through our problems. I've already reached out to sex therapists, but know that we cannot begin that process if she isn't on board. How do I rebuild attraction in the meantime? I know that detaching right now is the right course of action, but what steps should I take to show her these improvements in the limited time together that we have?
Thank you all so much for reading. I'm so lost.
Me 36, W 32 M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs 1st BD Aug 18 2nd BD Feb 19 EA w/ ex Aug 18 potential EA Feb 19 Trial Separation 3/2/19
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Why are you moving out? She had an emotional affair, if not more. You should not move out IMO. You seem emotionally strong enough to withstand this or I'd think moving out isn't the worst idea.
She is obviously all over the place. You can't believe anything she's saying or doing. She doesn't even know half the time.
Listen to her when she says she is 100%, don't try to argue with her over this. Try understand her point of view, and at least acknowledging how she might feel that way.
Unfortunately there probably is an OM on her mind. It seems like that recently caused you a lot of problems. And I can't believe you jumped straight into planning the rest of your life together and talking about kids. If you knew then....
Let her rush if she's going to rush, don't try to stand in her way unless you want to speed things up. I agree with allowing her to miss you, but I hope you can manage your expectations.
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I know I made the wrong decision leaving the house, but I promised it to her and I stand by my word.
Have you actually moved out, all your stuff?
I'll find the "attraction" link if I can. But you say you want to "show her" all these things to win her back. You're going to do the dance to win her over, eh? How about be strong and confident in yourself just as you are? Which do you think is more attractive?
Please quit worrying about all her friends that are horrible people. You can't control it, and you'd be better off focusing the mental space to a more positive endeavor.
Don't respond to the pics of the dog, you should be busy doing fun, important things in your life. She is seriously talking divorce, so what's the point of the little warm and fuzzy pictures? I'd do a search for the last resort technique. It's what you need to do.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for the reply. I haven't actually moved out of the house, I just took a few bags and left (and will be back in 3.5 weeks). I won't actually move out until she files for D, which she is saying will be at the end of April.
I've been listening earnestly to her, and acknowledging, but was absolutely trying to use logic to convince her to change her mind. I'm done with that now, I realize that she cannot be convinced by logic or anything else that I say.
We'd been discussing a family for a while before 1st BD. Then came the OM, her ex. She said their conversations were benign and I did see some emails that confirmed this. Regardless, it was a breach of trust and definitely an EA in her mind. It only took her a few weeks to admit that this was a terrible decision...I thought it was a quick phase and not indicative of future behavior. I've really wanted to start a family, and I just got sucked in, not realizing that this was even a possibility again.
Your right, I need to make these changes for me, and not for her. I actually feel soo much better and see a path forward for myself without her now that I'm out of state. I've been attempting the LRT, I just have not been very good at it yet. It did get me to start controlling my emotions more around her - I dealt with the 2nd BD sooo much better than the first.
I think I'm going to do much better with the LRT now that I'm not at home. She knows that I adore our dog - I think she's sending these pictures because she knows that I miss him, not to test me or anything. I did not respond to the dog pic, and afterwards she texted me asking where to find something in the house, which I responded with a very straight to the point business-like response. I'm very scared that I'll backslide when I go back at the end of the month. I really need to embrace the tough love concept, it just feels unnatural for me.
Me 36, W 32 M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs 1st BD Aug 18 2nd BD Feb 19 EA w/ ex Aug 18 potential EA Feb 19 Trial Separation 3/2/19
Oh, and I may have misrepresented her friends. They are two of her girlfriends that were cheated on by the SOBs. Her friends are actually all good people, but they are very much in a "single party" mode - I wonder if my wife feels left out about this.
Last edited by Jamine; 03/04/1901:56 AM.
Me 36, W 32 M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs 1st BD Aug 18 2nd BD Feb 19 EA w/ ex Aug 18 potential EA Feb 19 Trial Separation 3/2/19
I definitely suffer from a lack of confidence. I used to be very confident, but this is a quality that I haven't nurtured since my marriage. I'm trying to become more decisive and not be worried about confrontation.
In terms of dropping the rope, I've just done everything wrong so far. 180 starts now.
I'm curious if anyone has any input. How should I handle texts from family? I got a message from her sister today saying how much she'll miss me and that I'll always be family, etc. I am sure her parents will eventually be reaching out to me - how do I handle contact with W family when I'm using LRT?
Me 36, W 32 M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs 1st BD Aug 18 2nd BD Feb 19 EA w/ ex Aug 18 potential EA Feb 19 Trial Separation 3/2/19
Just tell the inlaws "thanks" and if you need to add more then tell them that your W will need their support.
You don't need to talk to her family much, that's how to handle it. They will turn on you when it comes time to support their daughter. You may not believe me, but I didn't believe it either, yet here I am.
What is your plan for your living situation if you do get divorced? Are you going to buy her out of the house? If so, you definitely have no reason to leave. You have plenty of time to figure out your living arrangements, no rush to move out in 3.5 weeks. You can always tell your W "I was very upset when I said that, I've decided it's best for me to stay in the house."
Make sure you read Divorce Remedy and the LRT section. MWD lists out several forms of pursuit.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
