She has also told me she wants to see my changes over a longer period. I did say the ILY , and she softly said @i know”
Right now you've got to remove all pressure. Stop talking to her about your changes, about the R, about OM, etc. Don't say ILY. Like she said, she knows. When you say it you are putting pressure on her to say it back and right now she doesn't want to. Just pull back and give her time and space while you work on your issues.
You have got to show her changed behavior over a very long period of time (months or even a year or more) before she'll start to believe you've really changed. Just about any alcoholic can go a week or two or even a month without drinking and it takes little effort. Going several months while dealing with the ups and downs of life, well that's more difficult. A year or more, now you're talking about real change.
It took her a long time to get to this point and she's not going to change her mind overnight. It's going to take a lot of time.
Am I understanding correctly that the two of you never got married? Any kids? How long have you been dating (7 years)? Has the drinking been a problem throughout? What are your ages?
Thanks for taking the time to answer . Both 45 , she has two kids Sd at home 17 , ss 22 lives away . Was an occasional drinker before but the last 6 months it took me . You are right, it will take time , but I am impatient:). At the gym for first time in about 10 years:)
Thanks for taking the time to answer . Both 45 , she has two kids Sd at home 17 , ss 22 lives away . Was an occasional drinker before but the last 6 months it took me . You are right, it will take time , but I am impatient:). At the gym for first time in about 10 years:)
Has she gone through menopause yet? She may be about to start, that could be a contributing factor. Not to say you shouldn't continue with your changes, you absolutely should.
If the drinking has only been going on for 6 months then that should make it easier to convince her (through actions) that you've really changed, because you're not trying to reverse a bad pattern that's been there throughout the M. She might see it more as it having been a temporary situation if you stick with your sobriety.
Believe me I understand the impatience! Most of us here can identify with that :-) The time will seem to drag by as you go through it but a year from now you'll look back and think it passed quickly. BD and the aftermath seemed to crawl at a snail's pace when I went through that, but all these years later it seems like a blip on the radar of time.
I think she was having phones sex with Om last night in the living room .should I ask if she was and say it was in appropriate ?
What would that achieve?
Early on in my sitch, my W on a Friday night went into our guest bathroom. Up until a a few weeks before BD the woman never took her phone into the bathroom. She was in and out of the bathroom no matter what (1 or 2). But on this particular night she went into the guest bathroom. This was 13 days past BD. She was in there for a long time. I just knew she was in there taking picures and sending them to OM.
About a month later I found the evidence in her online photos trashcan. I didn't even confront her then I saved it until several weeks later. It just wouldn't have accomplished anything. So if she was, what do you think confronting will do? DBing is about doing the opposite of what you think you should do. Better yet, doing NOTHING. Doing nothing is always better than doing the wrong thing, and is almost as good as doing the right thing. Better yet, doing nothing is safer than thinking you are doing the right thing but really doing the wrong thing.
Tryhard, how is GAL coming along?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Steve and Bo, I really appreciate the kind words!!
Originally Posted by Tryhard
Thanks guys , I guess I need to slow down , I am going left down up right back to front , all my mind is on this , I need to slooooow down .
Yes! That's a big part of DBing is just realizing this isn't an emergency and pressing the right button isn't what is needed to resolve it. Like Cadet posts in all the intros, you have the gift of time. Like he also posts, it's a marathon. It's a long, difficult path ahead and many of us have walked it and many more are now walking it with you. As far as I know, no one's head has exploded from it ;-) Everyone has survived and most have emerged better, happier people for the journey. You will too!
