Is there an OM in the picture? Your W is clear that she wants a divorce?
If she has clearly stated she wants a divorce than I don't see a point in attending her bday party. Your W is still giving you crap about how she wishes you were truly separated, so why attend the party? Why not go GAL?
Someone fill me in if I'm missing something.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
As far as I know there is no other man. I am torn because she is dragging her feet. She has also said that she has noticed my changes and asked why I didn’t do it earlier. I don’t know if that means she will ever come back, but she is noticing. I think I will say happy birthday but then leave. It suppose to be just a few of her friends. Had her followed again this weekend and she just hung out with her friends.
Also at mediation, when the mediator asked if she wanted a divorce or separation she said she wasn’t sure. When asked about the house, she said she needs more time to think about it she wants to buy me out or sell it. My thinking is she filed for divorce in October and had a lawyer. Then January decides she would rather use a mediator, then at mediation not sure if she wants a divorce or separation. She has had plenty of time to think what she wants to do with the house. Then when the mediator said what day next week works for you, she said let’s make it in 2 weeks. She said she needs more time to think about the house. She is all confused at least I think. Which makes me very confused.
Last edited by Wolfman; 03/04/1908:06 PM.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolfman, if you go back and read my threads you'll see that I constantly said early on that I could see the internal struggle with my W. On one hand she wanted what she said she wanted: to get a job, get an apartment and get a D. On the other hand she wanted to keep our house, keep our family, and not disrupt not only our lives, but a lot of people peripheral to us as well (close friends, church, extended family, etc).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She told the kids we need to clean up the house. So far she hasn’t done anything but the kids and I have. My D was being disrespectful to my W. W hen starts to blame me that because I am still in the house. She said “when people separate they separate, not live in the same house.” I just ignored it, usually I would engage in that conversation.
Don't ignore it, stand up for yourself. As you said, she's treating you like a doormat. Like something she rubs the dog poop off of her shoes with. You are not a doormat, so quit acting like one. Read these threads on boundaries:
Next time she makes a comment like that then say "I am no longer going to tolerate your speaking to me that way. You can speak to me in a respectful manner or I am leaving the room and you can (cook, clean house, do laundry or whatever) yourself." Then if she keeps treating you the same then follow through with the consequence.
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I know people here have told me not to leave the house, but man the verbal abuse I get every once and a while is real hard to deal with. I jus feel like crying, I am trying to be strong but his has been going on for 7 months.
At this point if you move somewhere else you are just rewarding her bad behavior. So next time she wants more out of the divorce, or wants you to watch the kids so she can be with OM, or wants anything, what do you think she'll do? Treat you like crap, because you're letting her think that is how to get results out of you.
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Score all of this happened I use to be such a strong man. I didn’t take garbage from anyone, now I have become a doormat to her. All because she use to say that I never listened to her and that I had anger issues. So, I am trying to show her I am not that angry, controlling person anymore.
Boundaries are NOT about being angry or controlling. Read the threads I linked. You calmly state your boundaries, and you calmly execute the consequences when they are breached. Boundaries are you not allowing yourself to be treated poorly, that is not control, not at all.
So, I am trying to show her I am not that angry, controlling person anymore. Why is this so difficult? I wish I could just get mad and put my feelings aside and me able to move on.
Are you trying to SHOW HER that you arent angry and controlling?
Or are you trying to not BE angry and controlling?
I think there is an important distinction, even if it is just how you talk about yourself.
Frame your thinking around YOU. That way you can feel successful even if she isnt giving you positive feedback.
I know her to well, when she gets mad she will say all sorts of things that she never means. So whenshe said that I didn’t not take it seriously
This is very interesting to me. I wonder if she is saying some of her true feelings and you are dismissing them. I know people tend to exaggerate or hyperbolize when they are mad....but I imagine some of the undertones and concepts are probably meaningful. I wonder if she feels dismissed or ignored in these instances...
Well last night I overheard a conversation with my D and W. My daughter was very upset and talking to my W about us getting a divorce and much it bothers her. My W was so cold to her and told her she has to deal with it and that there was nothing she could do. Which is ridiculous because she is the one who wants it. It’s so sad to See how devastated my daughter is about this and my W doesn’t care about how she feels. So, I guess I am going to have to learn to accept what’s coming. I am DBing but it doesn’t seem to have an effect on her. I know that people say patience but this is tearing me up emotionally. Do the vets still think she is speaking in absolute negatives or that she really means it? I am so upset over this because she has told me she has noticed my changes but says I should have done this sooner. I don’t have proof but starting to think here is OM.
Last edited by Wolfman; 03/06/1902:09 PM.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolfman, first and foremost, DBing isn't about having an effect on her. It is about having an effect on you! You can DB. You can climb a mountain. You can get the earth to stop spinning. None that may have any impact on your W and on your MR. The problem with LBSs is the come here looking for a magic bullet. They think DB might be it. DB is no guarantee. But what DB does guarantee is that you will be ready for the next relationship in your life, whether that is with your W or someone else.
Yes you have to accept that you may end up D'd. You have no control over that. It takes 2 to make a marriage, 1 to make a D. So no matter what you do, if she ends up wanting D that is what will happen.
Do we think she means what she says? No way to know. I can tell you that at this stage lots of WASs typically are trying to convince themselves as much as anyone else. But that doesn't matter. She says she's seen your changes but it is too late. That doesn't matter. You might be right about there being an OM. But even that doesn't matter.
What matters is that you focus on YOU. That you control what you can control, YOU. There really are only two options: Pursuit and pressure. Or DBing. The former has almost no chance of working. The latter has a chance, maybe not a great chance, but more of a chance than the other choice. But what DBing guarantees is that it saves YOU.
Lots of us here come from various results AnotherStander ended up divorced. I ended up saving my MR. But guess what, AS is in just as happy, fulfilled, and good place in his life as I am. What DBing teaches you is that you are going to be okay, no matter what. That your life won't come to an end if you get D'd. That there is life after your sitch, regardless of outcome.
So Wolfman, how is GAL coming? Why were you overhearing this conversation rather than off being busy? I know you've been doing well with your 180s. But you obviously have a lot of work to do on detachment. This shouldn't upset you, it should embolden you to double down on DBing and take your life back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
