So I have to talk to her today when I get off of work. Like I said, it is ok if she stays there. I do want to move back into the MBR as she has offered since she is asking to be roommates and live the "single" life. I have made it clear that, again, that there is no "us" with the OM which she says the OM has nothing to do with us.
I just don't know what to say or what and just end convo. Any insight into this would be great. I hope Sandi can chime in.
When she's had her say, and you validated so she knows you listened, end it. "Can we finish this some other time, I need to feed the kids." It something similar.
Last edited by Steve85; 03/05/1903:30 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I have to talk to her today when I get off of work. Like I said, it is ok if she stays there. I do want to move back into the MBR as she has offered since she is asking to be roommates and live the "single" life. I have made it clear that, again, that there is no "us" with the OM which she says the OM has nothing to do with us.
I just don't know what to say or what and just end convo. Any insight into this would be great. I hope Sandi can chime in.
Just tell her there is no relationship as long as she is seeing OM and you are not going to be her "pretend" husband while she's having an affair. If she asks about moving out then tell her "I would rather you stay and work on the M, but if you choose to go I will not do anything to stop you. That is your decision to make."
Ok so I know the old adage, believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do. There is a new development. She just texted me (I never spoke to her or texted her back on the previous text asking me what to do).
"She indicated that she wanted to let me know that she is taking a step back actually a few steps back from OM. Nothing to deal with her and I but she needs it for herself because she is just feeling more stressed about everything and she needs to focus on herself. So if that helps me at all" - her text
I just responded OK. I still plan on talking to her tonight about her staying there, etc and working on myself. Just wanted to indicate what she said. Not sure if talking to S9 impacted her at all and woke her up at all or not. I am not getting excited or saddened by it. Not sure what to make of it. I am still planning on doing me and taking care of kids.
Well, I wanted to give her some benefit of doubt, but unfortunately.....she is showing typical WW behavior. She is suddenly in this big hurry to tell the kids, and of course, she doesn't want them knowing the truth. She sends you a very WW typical letter, which is to play the victim and turn the tables on the H to make him out to be the bad guy....oh, and she calls all the shots. She just can't forgive you and she'll have to see changes in you before she'll even consider reconciling, and until then, she'll continue having sex with whomever she wants.
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I don't mind if she is there.
Are you kidding me?
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I just need to quit letting her attitude, emotions, actions, etc impact me and what I need and want to do.
But that's the thing, Anthony, you won't be able to stop letting all of that stuff bother you. That's why in-house separations don't work in wayward spouse situations. You will never make good enough changes for her. Her feelings for you can't change until she respects you. Do you really think she's going to respect you putting up living together while she acts like a GGW?
Let me ask you this way. How many more days do want to continue living your life like the past few months have been? If you agree to IHS, that's what you are going to have. She'll keep doing her thing, and you'll be expected to suck it up and take it. She's not going to stop seeing OM. She'll accuse you of controlling, or she'll play the guilt card (just like she did in that text letter), but she's not going to separate and then behave like a married woman when she wouldn't conduct herself that way before separation.
You've put it out there. No open marriage. Now, are you prepared to enforce it? What are her consequences when she doesn't honor your boundary? IHS??? Yeah, that's really going to sting for her! IHS is the epitome of cake eating!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You posted while I was typing out mine. So, FWIW, you can look back to see my thoughts.
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"She indicated that she wanted to let me know that she is taking a step back actually a few steps back from OM. Nothing to deal with her and I but she needs it for herself because she is just feeling more stressed about everything and she needs to focus on herself. So if that helps me at all" - her text
Stepping back from OM? That's rich! There is no "stepping back". An affair is like pregnancy.......you are or you aren't, there's no such thing as being a little pregnant. At the moment, she is telling you so much b.s.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's not new. You didn't immediately agree to her terms so now she's telling a "little white lie" hoping that will pull you in. She's just trying to manipulate you. And don't you love that fuzzy "stepping back" comment, what does that even mean? She's probably thinking "just oral sex, nothing serious". Until she says "OM is out of the picture and I am willing to give you full access to my phone, email and social media accounts to prove it" there's really nothing to discuss.
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I still plan on talking to her tonight about her staying there, etc and working on myself.
DO NOT initiate R discussions, EVER. DO NOT tell her you are working on yourself. DB'ing is ACTION, not WORDS.
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Just wanted to indicate what she said. Not sure if talking to S9 impacted her at all and woke her up at all or not.
I understand you want to spin a rosy scenario out of this but it doesn't mean anything. Take a long-term view, improvements may happen months from now but right now it's just more WW stuff.
So just don't discuss anything at this point? Just go home and take care of the kids and do my thing? Don't even discuss the live there or not, etc? If she talks about R, just validate and not say anything?
