Clinging to Hope

[Tryhard]

Be the woman only a fool would leave

[hope2019]

Thank you! I am definitely trying to focus on that, focus on me, focus on what I did wrong to end this relationship. I started writing a journal today, and filled it up with different things. Comparison of me now and me in 2015 (when we met) my regrets... and why I regret them. My goals without him. My goals for my next relationship (either with him or someone else). Examples of how I have grown already in the past 3 weeks. Some specific things that I would need to know would happen IF he and I reconcile. It really helped take my mind off the friends Instagram comment. That was actually my something to be proud of. Before I joined this board I would have immediately reacted to him with that. Yes it hurt me a lot of today but I forced that hurt to subside and got on with things.

I collect funky bags and tonight I got an amazon notification from his account (which he knows I use and have access to) saying he purchased a funky betsey Johnson bag, for delivery to his office. It’s christmas themed but says thing like I Love you a latte on it and has naughty or nice with the naughty ticked on it. My immediate reaction was he is having an affair, but logically talked myself down from that. I don’t think he would be capable of that. I think he wouldn’t be giving me hope if that was the case and he knows I would see this bag. So currently assuming he purchased it on behalf of a friend overseas. Logical or not, I don’t know. But again I patted myself on the back for not blowing up on him about it, questioning or accusing him. Trying to find the small wins so I can see this progress isn’t just in my head.

He text me earlier to see “great trip, just on way to the airport :)”. I just replied with “safe journey!” And then a little bit later he text me to let me know he lost his coat in one of the bars and I responded along the lines of, that must be annoying for you, perhaps they still have it. The conversation continued a little but I made sure I didn’t have the last word. I think this was a semi test from him... normally I would be so angry at him for losing an expensive coat but I have truly learnt how to pick my battles and not be a doormat as well. What does me being angry solve? Nothing. I’m sure he will think this is all fake but my actions will continue because consistency is key right.

We’ll see how he is when he comes home I guess and over the next few days. I don’t think he has any trips booked for a while so this is where the real tests will be.

I’m so grateful for everyone on this board that has encouraged me and helped me. I still very much want my husband to come back to me but genuinely not until we are both good and ready. I love him with all my heart but I am trying to detach and get a tiny tiny bit further each day with that.

[Ready2Change]

Always think before acting. It is a learned skill, especially when emotions are at play.


Is what I am about to do (or say) going to push him farther away or draw him closer?


Did you have a chance to read any of living's thread? There is great advise in there that I am sure you can apply.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=40507

[hope2019]

It really is learned skill and I’m slowly getting there. A complete 180 for me even if only I can see it.

I have a couple of times and it’s an awesome thread. I may reread it again tomorrow as each day I find advice that applies to me that didn’t yesterday if that makes sense.

He just got home and we had a casual conversation about his trip. He has been making regular trips to Atlanta for work recently and just let me know he is doing an overnight there Sunday through Monday. He has never had to do an overnight before and his Atlanta trips recently went from 1 every 2-3 weeks to 1 a week religiously. So I’m raising eyebrows a little on that and connecting that this weird bag gift arrives on Friday and hoping I am
Wrong. My gut feeling is still that he isn’t having an affair. He seemed off tonight but I’m sure tired coming off the bachelor party etc. having patience, slow and steady....

[Tryhard]

You have the gift of time . Use it positively , get going . You can do it , smile , enjoy what you have , grow . Use the skills you have learnt. Grow . Post here for support.

[hope2019]

I messed up! I snooped and saw photos of him in bed with girls (dressed) at Mardi Gras. I started relationship talk with him. I just couldn’t help it. He even said you have undone everything you have done in the last week. How do I recover this? Walk away and no contact for a few weeks? So hard with IHS. freaking out. No more snooping it does nothing. It hurt me.

[Tryhard]

It’s hard , I do the same . We are only human . Learn , put it behind you and carry on the good work. You can do it

[Ready2Change]

How do I recover this?

Again everything is counter intuitive.


There are a million ways to say this: Set him free. Do not try to control him.

Change the dynamics.

This is the mindset. You do not have to say these words:
W:"H, This is no longer working for me. I do not want to be married to someone who is acting single. Do you want to keep the house, or should I start looking for a place?"

[AnotherStander]

I messed up! I snooped and saw photos of him in bed with girls (dressed) at Mardi Gras. I started relationship talk with him. I just couldn’t help it. He even said you have undone everything you have done in the last week. How do I recover this? Walk away and no contact for a few weeks? So hard with IHS. freaking out. No more snooping it does nothing. It hurt me.

So let me get this straight- you saw multiple photos of him in bed with girls... and he says that you've "undone" a week worth of progress. That was his response. Wow. Well allow me to state the obvious, that is very inappropriate behavior for a married man, especially one that just married in April of last year. His response was total deflection, he's trying to cover up his bad behavior by sending you on a guilt trip. I think you need to try and give him as much time and space as you can, so that you can start thinking clearly again because right now you're in desperation mode. Frankly I think once you settle down you'll start asking yourself whether he's worth the effort. Married less than a year and he wants to dump you, and before you hardly even have time to consider this new development he's sleezing around in bed with other women and having pictures taken. Just out of curiosity, if you had a friend in this situation what would be your advice to her?

[Living]

Always think before acting. It is a learned skill, especially when emotions are at play.


Is what I am about to do (or say) going to push him farther away or draw him closer?


Did you have a chance to read any of living's thread? There is great advise in there that I am sure you can apply.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=40507

Hope 2019, I’m Living. R2C advised you to read my thread (see above).

First I’m sending you a big virtual hug. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I know how difficult this is.

I don’t have long to post because I have a few errands to run but I will definitely be back.

However I did read your thread. I hate to say that I agree with whoever (at the present time I can’t remember) said that perhaps your H got cold feet after the M. You all have been M a little over a year and he’s already acting this way? I wonder if he regrets getting M because he wasn’t truly ready. This still isn’t an excuse for his behavior.

If I could give you one piece of advise it would be to STOP the snooping. Trust me when I say sometimes when you go looking for something, you find it. Then when we find that something we can’t emotionally handle it. It crushes us inside. So do yourself a favor and stop snooping on him.

Listen, I’m no expert. I still make mistakes with DB and GAL, I think that everyone who is here does. I also believe that even the vets did. This sh@t is hard, so don’t beat yourself up. Just take things one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. But again by all means, don’t go looking for something that you’ll wish you didn’t find.

The vets are spot on, the only thing you can do is give your H space right now. You can’t beg, cry, persuade, influence, or force him to do anything. The only person you have control over is you.

I know it’s hard, believe me I do, I’m currently living it. But guess what I’m doing, I’m LIVING. Take this time to improve and work on you. Trust me when I say that these people on this forum know what they are talking about. I’ve implemented many of the suggestions and advice I’ve been given. It always amazes me how it works like a charm.

Take care of you, take care of your kids, work on improving you, and leave him to his mess.

I hope that helps. I’ll be back soon!