I still see myself as a Newcomer because not sure if R is on yet.
Things have been better lately, I am still seeing the remorse and acknowledgement of damage and pain caused. She has take 100% accountability for her actions and I have validated and responded with acknowledgement of things in our MR that may have led up to her actions that I could have done better.
I have not been to IC in a month but am rescheduling soon but honestly my best advice comes here. There have been very small instances where we have talked details of things that have happened...not her specific actions with OM but more of the when I knew she was 100% lying about where she was going and she could look me in the eye and still do it. Places that they had been and I can't even drive anywhere near them etc. There is literally have of the county that are triggers that I avoid!
How do I address this with her...are these all things that will happen in time? I know it has only been 21 days since she saw OM and when I BD'ed on her and hopefully shook her out of the fog. Is this me being impatient again? We are doing normal things together again, she wants to be with me all the time. She had said she would talk with someone with me, a pastor, a MC, a support group. When do I start looking at those options?
Honestly and I know it will still be a while, I do not trust her even though she has made some big changes. She has given me access to her bank account, she wants me to manage her money and put her on an allowance...she knows she was out of control and wants us to do this together. All good signs....but she needs help...we need help.
I know long road....doing my best.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
You need to be honest with her when adressing things. It happens with my W. I must face my mistakes so I answer her questions. So ask questions if you need. Just choose the time and keep pressure at low level. Generally we are exhausted from double life so we are glad to come clear. But not everytime...
Time and patience. Keep on the road. Keep doing your best.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
There were some videos I watched on YouTube regarding this. You may want to research your share of it and she will need to start looking into what is needed on her part if she is willing. She has to understand your needs and want to meet them. She may not like it or have issues with it but this is where your support comes in big time. She really has to want to make it work and be committed. There’s online help to sort of guide you both into it. There’s things you can say from a loving angle that doesn’t put blame on her but moreso lets her know you need answers. There’s a couple MWD videos and I believe she addresses some of this in hers. As the Lbs you may want to find specific time to address this so you both know there is a set schedule to discuss so there isn’t a looming ever present atmosphere like you will always be bringing up what happened. Help establish some structure back into your lives.
Lost regarding NC AND OM, I think it’s very important as a first step for her to show You and OM she has chosen You over him. She can not choose you because of something he could not provide to her. Does this make sense? Where does that put you?
Do you know what happens when ppl NC each other? You NC her to give time and space, hoping she will come around so guess what her NC might do to this guy? What happens if he starts to really pursue and tells her he will do whatever she wants and will commit, maybe even lying to get back with her? What happens then if you weren’t the reason she broke it off with him. So let’s say she is angry with him and he’s bothering her. If she hasn’t fully resolved her feelings of choosing you, does this put you in the clear from OM2? She has to choose you and show you, doing whatever it takes.
There’s some things you may want to be less direct with supporting but this is not one of them. She needs to show you in front of you she is willing to tell the world and anyone else she chose you.
I don’t want to see you have a false start or see her playing games with you when she needs to get her act straight if she truly wants to fix the MR.
I agree with Neffer, honesty on what you want and need. Research some of how to convey this without blame.
Is it spring break for you and your son yet? Any plans going on? (((Hugs))) buddy.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
No spring break plans, they don't get that until April but at this point we have been scheduling things as a family.
Again this is the tricky point. I still have some GAL activities but not like I did when 100% DB'ing. I feel it is important to have the quality time together...to reconnect..right?
The kids like seeing us together and makes them happy, that means a lot to me.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Things have been better lately, I am still seeing the remorse and acknowledgement of damage and pain caused. She has take 100% accountability for her actions and I have validated and responded with acknowledgement of things in our MR that may have led up to her actions that I could have done better.
If she is being genuine, then she will need support as she goes through addiction withdrawal. I do want to caution you about saying anything that sounds as if it is an excuse for her wayward actions. Waywardness is a choice.
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I have not been to IC in a month but am rescheduling soon but honestly my best advice comes here. There have been very small instances where we have talked details of things that have happened...not her specific actions with OM but more of the when I knew she was 100% lying about where she was going and she could look me in the eye and still do it. Places that they had been and I can't even drive anywhere near them etc. There is literally have of the county that are triggers that I avoid!
How do I address this with her...are these all things that will happen in time? I know it has only been 21 days since she saw OM and when I BD'ed on her and hopefully shook her out of the fog. Is this me being impatient again?
First of all, I don't think you should reveal to her how you could tell she was lying. That sounds fishy to me. It sounds as if she wants to fine tune her skill of lying.
How do you tell her that all these places trigger you? I don't understand. Is she wanting the two of you to go to some of these places? If so, then tell her it gives you bad energy or triggers emotions. If these places trigger you......then they will probably trigger her, also, if she's really going through affair withdrawals. Going to some place where she and OM use to meet, could trigger her cravings to contact him. You might suggest going somewhere new, and if she plays dumb, then tell her it reminds you of her affair.
Here's the thing, Lost. If your W is being authentic, then 21 days are more like the beginning of withdrawals from the A. You may have opened her eyes, and perhaps shook her out of the fantasy fog, but it did not shake her out of the addiction. Are you holding her accountable? Is she following a transparency plan? This is the time you need to watch closely, b/c she'll be like a drug user who needs a fix. By "watching her", I don't mean that you interrogate her every day. Let the transparency plan and your six sense be your guide for quite some time. I think H's get in too big of a hurry to start trusting the WW. That's why WW's have to agree and cooperate with the terms her H requires in order to continue the MR. Your W has not stopped having cravings for some sort of contact with OM. Not in 21 days! She may not admit it, but she's not over the hump yet. You will be making a mistake if you act as if she is back to normal this quickly, and you think it's time to start "trusting" her.
I really think that some things you are approaching with her may need to be discussed in MC. Not just any ole MC, but a therapist who deals with couples healing from an A. Don't go to a Pastor or support group. You need to find someone who uses the Gottman therapy techniques. If you haven't heard of Dr. Gottman or watched some of his videos on Youtube, check it out.
Does she seem curious to know how much you found out about them? Does she bring up the subject of OM and the A? If I were in your shoes, I would drop the IC and get the two of you into therapy. As I said, I think the LBH gets in a hurry to get things back to normal. That is understandable, but it carries risks. If you aren't a therapist, then you don't how or when to address certain things. She doesn't know what it's like wearing your shoes, or vise versa. There is anger on both sides (even if she hasn't admitted it), along with a lot of raw pain. Both spouses are in a delicate period of the relationship, and the smart thing to do is getting a professional who knows what to do and not do, when, how much, etc. Trying to play your own MC is not something I recommend. With that said, I will tell you that my H would not agree to go to MC with me. Both parties have to be willing to participate and cooperate when attending therapy.
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Honestly and I know it will still be a while, I do not trust her even though she has made some big changes.
Nobody can tell you when to start trusting someone who has betrayed you in the worst way......least of all, the WW. 21 days is not enough time, IMHO.......but I can't tell you how long it takes. However, I can tell you if she is bringing up the subject of you not trusting her, as if it irritates her that you require transparency..... that's a red flag. She should place no pressure on you trusting her. Don't place pressure on yourself. This is an example of how a therapist could direct this subject in the best way.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No spring break plans, they don't get that until April but at this point we have been scheduling things as a family.
Again this is the tricky point. I still have some GAL activities but not like I did when 100% DB'ing. I feel it is important to have the quality time together...to reconnect..right?
Yes, I agree with you. When a couple reconciles, then you don't continue implementing all the 37 rules, b/c the relationship is in a different place. Spending quality time together, doing things as family, GAL, etc., are needed. I caution LBS's about smothering the recovering WS. It's tricky. Some recovering WS need some space, while others may not. I don't recommend the WS go off on weekend trips or vacations without the LBS, and things of that nature for quite a while. It's difficult to write out a list of do's and don'ts that apply to ever case.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi, I didn't have to reveal anything about her recent, last 2 months lying about leaving the house. It was just that feeling that I had and literally when I BD'ed on her a few weeks back, I asked and went back each weekend and she confessed.
The transparency has been there and the continued remorse, I have access to her bank account that she wants me to manage now, her phone records, phone, cc statements etc. She is still in a lot of pain and doesn't know how I will ever be able to forgive her and I am not giving her a full pass yet but told her things are moving well and in time could get past this.
I am not pressuring for transparency daily but I am moving forward with eyes wide open so she can feel comfortable with the process.
As far as the locations it basically an area in the county that was frequently where they met and no we don't go anywhere near that area because we don't live near there and was her getaway because it was far enough away from our home. However it is somewhat near where I work and only explained to her that it is difficult for me to be in that area. i felt it necessary to discuss that with her so she felt the pain that I had, and have, even just being near there.
I have my eyes open and am moving slowly forward. It is a strange place because now my W craves me all the time. She says she would never have made it without me and is showing me attention way different than before when she was cake eating, which felt very fake. This attention does feel more genuine and often opens up about her remorse.
The MC might take a while and I am not pushing it yet. She did not like her IC and is afraid that MC will will also suggest us not being together. I know we need to get to that point but am letting her work through some of this together.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
