Midlife wife crisis3

[Wolfman]

Continue from #2

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=62106&Number=2843803#Post2843803

[Wolfman]

I wanted to do the right thing. I wasn’t really looking for anything. Even though she is putting me through h#ll I still feel bad for her. I k ow I probably shouldn’t, but you can’t just turn off those feelings. She actually stayed home from work today. She is trying to convince herself it wasn’t a panic attack that she has a virus. Evacuee today she is weak and very tired. I’m taking it one day at a time with no expectations and am enjoying my GAL. Making more and more friends now, it’s kinda nice. GAL is also helping me detach and cope. Thanks everyone. Like everyone says I am making myself the kinda of guy only a fool would leave. Hitting the gym 4 days a week. Went back to playing baseball in a men’s league. So whatever happens, happens.

[Wolfman]

I know a lot of you said I should have never left the home. But she is getting a taste of her new reality. I had to stop by the home for a little to get some tax paperwork signed. W was having a major meltdown. How this is no way to live, that she works so hard and all has no money, that she doesn’t have any help, that she honestly doesn’t remember the last time she was happy. She said it’s been years since the last time she was actually happy. Then of course it got directed at me. How it must be nice for me to come and go as I please, that I don’t have to deal with the kids in the morning. During that I did validate her feelings that I know this is hard, it must be difficult to do all of this. I understand where she is right now mentally is not good. Her “fog” is very thick. We make a good salary, big beautiful home, 2 beautiful healthy kids, 3 real nice cars, multiplayer vacations a year, we are teachers so we have summers off. I know that stuff I just mentioned is material. She has a husband who loves her, even though she believes I took her for granted. Parents who love her, kids who love her. Why is it they get so focused on only the negative? And miss all the positive things in their life? Many of our friends have said they wish they had our lives. I feel like she is starting to go into depression. Next stage of MLC. I think the replay is not working out for her, or at least so far. It’s sad because I miss my old wife, I wish the “alien” that abducted my W would bring her back.

[gzabetas]

Wolfman I hear you.
Dont have anything specific to add other than I feel for you.
I wanted to write something to the same effect, but with your posts so similar to mine its like they are already addressed.

I am in that same situation where I hurt seeing her pain. But that means we are not detached yet.

I saw a psychologist today who gave me some help. I will write more on that on my thread later.

But the take away item is. We are done in their hearts and to move on. Period.
He told me to start mourning her as if she were dead. I cried in the room and thank God he had kleenex paper on his desk, Very handy for patients I guess.
I am no wimp, I am big and toughened by life, with my scars, broken nose etc. But I cried like a baby.

We need to start mourning the person we knew. That person is gone. At least for now. Who knows about the future.

[Wolfman]

Gzabetas I understand you sadness. I think I cried for about 7 months. Never in front of W, but it was a lot. It doesn’t matter how big or small you are, when a persons heart gets broken it hurts us all the same. My therapist told me the same thing, we are mourning the death of our relationship. I have no more expectations for the relationship. I will just keep working on me and that is it. My sadness is finally starting to get better. It “only” took 8 months for me to finally stop crying. Be patient with yourself, it takes time.

[gzabetas]

As your therapist also described it in the same manner seems it must be the truth.
I also have no more expectations. But I am only on month 4 since BD so I probably have alot more crying and falling apart to do. That totally [censored]. And yes I also dont do it in front of her. We may rush to a crying woman but alas we dont get the same favor in return. We are seen as weak.

Glad to hear your sadness is getting better. Thanks for the advice.

My parting words from my therapist is to say "You cant hurt me, only I can hurt me" in my mind when I see her.
It kinda works

[Wolfman]

Just want to talk. I don’t know why, just having a rough day. Didn’t see my kids a lot this weekend and it really stinks. Some days I am good at detaching other days it is real hard. Had a little talk with W about relationship, I know we are not suppose to. It came up because we talked about what days who has the kids. It just hurts that she has no desire to work on relationship. All she talks about is things that came up years ago and she can’t let them go. Why is it as a LBS we have a hard time detaching when they are treating us so bad. Yet it seems like it was easy for them. At least that’s what they show. Just needed a safe space to talk. I take it this “fog” is never going to lift. She said she has zero feelings for me. I hurts to hear hay when you have 19 years together and 14 years of marriage.

[Ready2Change]

Every relationship is there to help us grow. We grow during the painful times. You realize what is important (and what is not).

Enjoy your kids when you have them. Do what you need to when you don't. Cry, feel the pain. Go do something. Enjoy it. One minute at a time if needed.

Just validate all the past hurts your W tells you about. You might have to say this 100 times "I am sorry I hurt you."


We all have "our stories". It does not mean it is the truth, just what each of us believes is the truth. It is her truth. It is her story that you are there to understand.

[Grace21]

Wolfman - I admit I haven't caught up on your entire sitch, but like so many here, I can feel and understand your hurt, pain, and sadness. I share that.

Some days I am good at detaching other days it is real hard.

This is how it is with me. Back and forth. H seems to always be in the back of my mind, just hanging out there, not causing anxiety, then BAM. I'm obsessing about what's occurred, his relationship with his GF (I don't even know if he still has one, or it's revving up to them moving in together). I KNOW I have no control over it, and it's useless.

But what we are going through defies logic. Many on this forum advised me to just let the feelings wash over, and move on. I try to practice this. I go to prayer or my bible study when I am having a particularly rough patch.

My H moved out Oct 1, and he still says he doesn't know what to do. That he's in a minefield. He hasn't even mentioned the word D. So, this week I've decided to live "as if" H isn't in the picture at all. It's helping ever so slowly. 30 years I've known him, and our 28th Anniv. is approaching next month. It stinks. But it helps to know that other people understand, doesn't it?

Good luck on your journey.

[Wolfman]

My W is ready to move ahead with the D. She wants to pay the mediator to draw up the paperwork. I am having such a hard time with this. I was good all last week with detaching and accepting what’s to come. And as soon as she brought up paying the mediator tomorrow to move forward with D my stomach dropped. I don’t know why, when I knew this was coming. I guess a very small piece of me was hoping she would change her mind. That small piece keeps holding me
back. I wanna say something like, “we don’t have to do this, we can work this out.” I won’t because I know that makes me look desperate and that’s the last thing I want to do. Every time I think I am moving on I fall back. I will keep plugging away and take it one day at a time.
Grace. I completely understand. I feel like I’m moving on but she is always taking up a little space in the back of my mind. Grace it does help that other people understand the hurt and pain. I am right here with you Grace and everyone else who is going through this. Posting on here helps. Thanks everyone. I look forward to everyone replies. It helps me with my emotions and understanding.