I agree with AS. It is very easy for the LBS to slip into passive-aggressiveness in dealing with the WAS/WS. Try to avoid that. Treat her how you'd want to be treated.
I do disagree slightly with AS on the house. Until she buys you out it is her house and you do have rights. I think it would only confuse you to say you HAVE the right to move back in, but you DON'T have the right to come and go as you please. I would be courteous about. "I need a funnel from the garage, so I am going to pick that up when I come over to say goodnight to the kids." So treat it like it is still your house (because it is) but be respectful and courteous to her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
AS I am coming on here to make sure I am on the right track. I know one single day or act is going to change my situation. I just want to see if what I am doing is right and if and what I should change or adjust. Please don’t confuse me coming on here thinking that one day should change everything. I am on here seeking all the vets help and working on DBing the beat I can. I know my situation looks real bad but I don’t want to quit. Like how I should have sat next to her, I thought that would be pressure or pursuit but now I know it wasnt. I just want guidance, granted one thing I know I got a lot of heat on was moving back in. I don’t want to go over that again. I get the rational but don’t think in my situation where things are will help.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I would be pressure if you sat next her and said "why are you leaving me" or something along those lines.
I treat my ex like a business partner. We will sit together at games and events.The product we are selling is my kids future. We will discuss together everything we need to discuss to ensure the products sells. We may also occasionally discuss the weather and I will even joke with her sometimes. Once in awhile things regarding family members but I will not discuss with her intimate details of my life. Those days are over. Not her business anymore.
It's going to take a long time before you will feel comfortable around her again but it will happen at some point.
^^Great description from LH, that's exactly what I'm talking about^^
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I just want to see if what I am doing is right and if and what I should change or adjust. Please don’t confuse me coming on here thinking that one day should change everything. I am on here seeking all the vets help and working on DBing the beat I can. I know my situation looks real bad but I don’t want to quit.
There's a guy here that used to post more (he's in the UK his handle escapes me but I'm sure someone will know who I mean), he still pops in now and then but not as much. You remind me a lot of him. He was very codependent on his W to the point that he had no life of his own, he depended on her to feed him, take care of him, etc. I don't think he even had a job, or if he did it paid really poorly so he depended on her financially too. So when she left him he was in a really bad way. Super depressed, freaking out, desperate. He was a great listener and a quick study though, and he took the advice here to heart and did exactly what he was told even though it felt completely wrong to him. He was a model DB'er and before long was counseling others here. He turned his life around and became a person he was not before- confident, secure, self-sufficient, independent. His wife was stunned by the turnaround, and found the new him wildly attractive. They did end up reconciling, and rather quickly compared to most here (I think Steve's is the quickest I can think of and his was 2nd, less than a year). So yes, it can happen and there is no reason to quit now!
Tell me what what you all think. So my son does hip hop competitions. Today I asked my w what time my son’s Dre’s rehearsal was, she said 7:30. When I got there tonight w was sitting in the dance studio and when I got I. The doorway she said hi and I said hi. Then I sat about 5 feet away over by my daughter.
This is perfect.
I always got to events early. One kid doing the event and the other two watching or playing (IE one kid in formal soccer practice while I went off to the side and kicked ball with one or both of the other two). My kids would come sit by me. W had the choice to sit where she wanted. If I got there after her, I would sit by the kids.
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We just watched his rehearsal for half an hour. Afterwards we walked out together and I said I will be by to say goodnight to the kids, I just have to go to the store first. After 20 minutes she text me if I was coming so. They are going to bed.
Nothing wrong here either. You communicated your plan to her. She knew your were going to the store. You also know what time bed time is. In the future, just be more specific on when you will be there (ie state a time like 7:45).
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I got there and said good night to my kids and then left, I said a quick bye to w on my way out. I went into the garage the get a funnel, I had to put some oil in my car. So I put oil in the car and left.
IN the future,communicate these things before saying good bye.
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Then I get a text from w what took me so long to pull away? I said checking the car. She said everything ok? I gave a thumbs up.👍
Perfect.
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Then she said glad I asked. You know what I won’t ask anymore. This is one of the reasons our marriage fell apart... I can’t deal with the constant mood swings. Just know that I’m trying to put my anger aside to be able to co-parent our kids as best as I can but you are making this very hard. But it’s NEVER mattered what I think or how I feel anyway. Ok so apparently NOW that I text you don’t want to talk but when you were texting ME.... you would get upset if I didn’t respond right away... see an issue at all?
I believe it is OK not to respond to these. You can also validate.
H:"I have thought about what you texted. I agree you are right. I am sorry. Thanks for sharing"
This is tactical. It is intentionally vague and confusing. But, you are communicating to her that you listened to her. That she is right. That you are sorry. (this is what she wants(or maybe needs) to hear.
She may ask for clarification. She may not. It opens dialog. It removes any emotions.
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Then she called me
You had better choices. Learn from this. Voice mail is a very good option. Validation is another. You chose to argue.
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that she can’t take my mood swings that I have a mood disorder. I said why do you think that? "that must be frustrating"
[quote]She said that I didn’t talk to her at dance. I said I said hello.
"is there something you want to talk about?"
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She said no you didn’t, I said I absolutely did, did you not hear me,
"I didn't have anything to talk about. I was there to watch S"
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So, let me ask all of you, is my non pursuit getting to her? Is that why she is saying all these things. Is this a temp check? Please help because she keeps texting me. I am not responding right away and I think it’s driving her nuts.
You can always post her text and voice mails here for options before you respond.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Question, those that were successful at DBing. I k ow our WAW/WW said some nasty things to us. Did they say that they had no love for you? That it was completely gone? I know don’t believe what they say, but man does that sting. Again, I know this is not solved over night. All of these things GAL, validation, 180, really will attract them? Sorry just feeling down and I guess I am just looking for some positive motivation. Thanks everyone.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Question, those that were successful at DBing. I k ow our WAW/WW said some nasty things to us. Did they say that they had no love for you? That it was completely gone? I know don’t believe what they say, but man does that sting. Again, I know this is not solved over night. All of these things GAL, validation, 180, really will attract them? Sorry just feeling down and I guess I am just looking for some positive motivation. Thanks everyone.
Oh man, yes. Obviously there is the "ILYBNILWY" standard. But my sitch was highlighted by her claiming that not only wasn't she sexually attracted to me, but had never been. Even though she had kept journals during dating and even early in our marriage where she claimed otherwise. And she didn't seem to have any arousal issues throughout our marriage.
The most hurtful thing she said to me one night, was that she say me like another guy we both know, who is pretty undesirable. I don't mean to be mean but it was very hurtful. However, to show you why you don't ever believe anything they say, and to show how quickly the way they are feeling can change, later in the same conversation (which was had late at night in bed) she propositioned me! We ended up not doing it because when she said it I paused and said "Are you sure?" And then she said "Forget it..." But to go from telling me she saw me like a guy I know she wouldn't give the time of day to, to trying to initiate sex within minutes showed me two things: 1) She had no idea what she was thinking or feeling herself 2) Despite her insistence that she wasn't sexual attracted to me, she clearly still was.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If you mean getting them back LOL my WW never said a single word in better than a year about R'ing. BUT..."success" in this situation we find ourselves in has more than one definition. I was a success in DB'ing in so far as saving myself and starting a new life...
And oh yeah, for sure I heard that..."the love is gone, I can never go back" "I have no feelings", etc. Worst things I heard were "D is the best thing for all of us including D4" and "you are not a man's man". They swing for the fences Wolf and the words stung at the time, but had ZERO effect on me as soon as I decided to see her for what she had become, save myself and move on. So long as you WANT her, you will fall prey to all of the arrows that she slings at you. When you let go and walk away you won't care what she says...you MUST recognize your value as a man and partner. Once you do, this becomes much easier.
Ballast. Define successful DBing: Becoming the best person for myself whether the marriage works or not. I wish it would mean that I was able to fix my M. I know that’s not what it means. Ballast I have been reading your situ and man I feel exactly the way you did. With the ups and downs, of knowing how to take what my S said or did. A lot of her behaviors. Very scary. 2 questions for the vets: 1. She likes to say something about what I did or didn’t do and then end with, this is why our marriage didn’t work out. She has said that numerous times to me through out this. Is that her trying to justify to herself why she is doing this or trying to make me feel guilty? 2. This weekend my son has his hip hop competition. How do I act around my W and do I always stay near her? I don’t want to look like I am chasing her but I don’t want to seem cold or ignore her? Thank you everyone for listening and the advice!!!
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
1. She likes to say something about what I did or didn’t do and then end with, this is why our marriage didn’t work out. She has said that numerous times to me through out this. Is that her trying to justify to herself why she is doing this or trying to make me feel guilty?
Mostly justification
Originally Posted by Wolfman
2. This weekend my son has his hip hop competition. How do I act around my W and do I always stay near her? I don’t want to look like I am chasing her but I don’t want to seem cold or ignore her? Thank you everyone for listening and the advice!!!
Just be pleasant. Don't follow her around but don't avoid her either.
