Midlife wife crisis4

[Wolfman]

Here is he new thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=62146&Number=2844640#Post2844640

[Ready2Change]

Hi Wolf,


Would you create a signature. Important dates ages etc.
Click your username below Michele's video, then select "edit profile"


Include this:
2 kids D11 and S8.

[Ready2Change]

Your kids need you now more then ever. Yesterday is a perfect example.

I believe you did a good job. These things are not easy.

I have said these words to my kids countless times

"It is OK to be angry. It is not OK to hurt people or break things."
"You look angry. Do you need to step away to calm down? We can continue this discussion when we are calm."
"You can call your mother when we have finished this conversation. I am going to keep your phone until we finish talking"


Look up parenting with love and logic.

also look up boundaries with kids.


I want you to be the rock for your family. That is why I am a firm believer that a 50/50 split is best. Your kids need your logic. You can handle it.

[AnotherStander]

Honestly, I should have a little notebook with me.

Or maybe your phone, I use the "Notes" app on my phone and it's been a lifesaver.

I guess for me, I just struggle how she can think divorce will be better than working on the problems? Trust me I get what you are saying AS.

Your perception does not match her perception. Your perception is that with a little work you can have a fantastic marriage. Her perception is the marriage is horrible and is done and has been done for a long time and there is no saving it. You have to surrender your perception and accept her perception. Her perception can and probably will change over time, but it will not anytime soon. That said, I get it. We have all wondered why our WAS's were not willing to just put SOME effort into saving things instead of waiting to drop the bomb until it was far too late to do anything. It's very frustrating.

Honestly, my lawyer way back when said to record her if she acted like that, but we are using a mediator now. So we aren’t even going to court. I was going seriously use it to show her how irrational she was acting.

OK, well if that's the only reason you were recording her then don't do that anymore. It's like throwing gas on a fire. Next time she does it just set a boundary with her that you will not allow that type of behavior and if she continues it she will have to leave or you will call the police. If she continues then CALL THE POLICE. Throwing furniture around is not acceptable, ever.

But I feel like I needed to stand up to her for certain things.

Absolutely, but you do that through firm boundaries like I just outlined. Not through passive/aggressive behavior. Boundaries are about protecting YOU, not proving to her what you think she's doing wrong. Does that make sense?

Venting: The thing that really bothers me about my w. Is that I can do a million things right, amazing, good for her but the one time I make a mistake, that’s what she focuses on.

YES! We used to have these "Attaboy" certificates at work that we would give out as a joke. When someone did something good they got an "attaboy". At the bottom of the certificate was a warning- "One awshit renders all previous attaboys null and void." That's kind of the situation we're all in after BD. All we can do is try and avoid the awshits But none of us is perfect. Just keep moving forward. Remember that you are doing this for YOU, not for her.

We have been together 19 years gone on so many amazing trips, had a lot of party’s, a lot of great family experiences, a million laughs. Yet she will bring up the few mistakes I made.

That's just classic WAS rewriting of history. Don't take it to heart. She'll eventually remember the good things again. Patience my friend.

[Wolfman]

R2C thank you for the compliment. It tried real hard to keep my cool. I will look up your 2 suggestions. My D is so defiant right now and I get it, her world is being turned upside down.
AS I appreciate that comment that I have to understand her perception. You are so right I get caught up with my perception, I need to see it from her point of view. That “attaboy” thing is priceless. I am definitely learning patience. I definitely won’t record her again. It’s amazing how I feel like I am under a microscope with her. She is looking for any reason to justify this D. Thank you guys again. I always look forward to your comments.

[IHCLACS]

My brother always said that. 5 attaboys and oneawwshit. Ironicly he went through a 10 year nasty divorce. Boy do I have stories. To make matters worse. Ex SIL is sister of estranged Older brothers W. In sure he will be getting a D soon to after 2 MLC's and 1 seperation from his W.

[Wolfman]

IHCLACS, 10 year d? That is crazy. It’s ironic since I have been going through my situation how many times I have heard people going through a MLC. Is it something in the water? I have heard of some many stories almost identical to mine. What the w said and did. All around the same age at least the stories I have heard 40-50. Today at my son’s hip hop competition with w. You would think we were a happy married couple. Which is good for my son to see. This way he is focused.

[Wolfman]

Journaling: Yesterday my w and I had a great day together at my son’s hip hop competition. It just makes me sad that we can be together an entire day and get along. For her to think we can’t make it work just hurts and frustrates me. I understand I can’t take one day as a sign, that getting along means anything other than being supportive for our s. I understand her view of the marriage is very different than mine. I know I need to detach more and that I need patience. It just hurts, I just needed a place to express the pain. Thank you everyone for your support. Oh and by the way my son came in first place!!! I am so proud of him. He has another one today so excited to see how he does today. And I’m not going to lie spending time with w like this, I enjoy it. I don’t overly show her. We support our son, talk about the comp, joke around it’s just nice.

[IHCLACS]

Hey WM... I had a similar weekend with W at drive inn. Busted her stones a few times since she had a few blonde moments I busted her chops on and we both laughef, was very present and very confident. There were some moments where she started side seat driving, busted her chops some more. I had to make an abrupt stop in our trip, she tested me again. So I looked right at her, smiled and said... "Why don't you enjoy a nice cup of STFU and she laughed.

Had a great time and some great talks minus discussion of selling house. I thanked her for coming out, and that she's a good friend. (I friend zoned her on purpose.) She acknowledged and felt same way. She's pressuring me to get projects done and get on on market so she can quit her job by June and have cash flow/income to work with for a year. Said I understand you need house sale money to live independently for a year. She wants to work from home, stay at home with S1 even if it means living in friends basement.

I told her I want a little more time to look into my options with refinancing home, going over divisions and assets, her possibly hiring someone to complete projects since may not have the time, consulting with L or Mediator about divisions of assets. Made it perfectly clear I will not be pressured into decision, want to handle this logically, and explore options. She's in a hurry to move stuff out of house, and sell it to explore her wants, dreams, independence, new job, etc. Made it clear, I'm not holding her hostage and know that she needs to rely on income of sale. Had a good convo. Handled it very well emotionally and maturely, although unproductful. She's looking for ways this morning to get off the mortgage. I politely shut the convo down about the sale of house since its an emotional hot button. We continued to have nice talks about other things.

Her mindset is I came into her life for the last 10 years to learn about herself, and how she needs to grow. I still think she is a cake eater that wants to play family, but live her own life independently. That's fine. I get that part about personal growth, happiness, etc.

I still can't , nor with I ever be able to trust her again as far as living together because of pressure to sell home. If we both lived in apartments, and just walked away and seperated, it would be a little bit different in my eyes. A part of me wants to D over this, but im not ready to make that decision today.

[Wolfman]

Another great day yesterday with w. My s had another hip hop competition. This time my in laws came too. Spent most of the time with in laws and w. At the end of the competition my in laws invited me out to dinner with everyone. I said no that’s fine you guys go I will see the kids at bedtime. They said no come with us. I said no really it’s ok, then my w said come with us. So, I said ok. We met at the restaurant. They called us over to the table and when go to the table we realized it was too small and they were going to put 2 tables together and my s said they forgot the kids menu. So I went to the front to get a kids menu. While I was up front my w walked up and said do you see how different my parents are compared to yours? They invited you out to dinner and she said, “your parents never call me to see how I am doing.” I told her I understand how frustrating that can be. I said your family is different then my family. I told her her family is great. Then again she brought up the recording how vindictive I am by doing that. I explained it was to just show her later on how irrational she was acting. Then she said, “you said your lawyer told you to do this, I thought we weren’t using lawyers anymore.” I told her my L told me that way back at the beginning if you did anything irrational. She said what for? I told that’s all my L said to do. She said yeah to use against me. I told her don’t worry I don’t have it anymore anyway. I said let’s try to enjoy dinner. Then we went and sat down.
Then the waitress came over and asked what we would all like for drink. My w and in laws all ordered margaritas I ordered a coke. Then my D started whispering to w and could see my d was upset about something. My w text me at the table that my d was afraid that my w was having a drink and was going to use that against my w to take the kids away. My d got that from the other day when my w flipped out. So, I had to pull my d aside and tell her that it is ok for mommy to drink and I was not going to use that against her. And that the recoding the other day was to show mommy how irrational she was acting. D was ok with that and we went in and sat down. It was getting late and the kids had to go to bed. So w got up to leave with the kids since she had her own car. I was left with just my father in law as my mother in law went outside with kids. When I saw the waitress I ran over to her to pay the bill. My father in law then came over and said what are you doing? I said this was a thank you for inviting me. He said I am always family no matter what happens and he said he doesn’t want this to happen either. I said thank you again for thinking of me. It was shocking to hear him say that. But also it shows what my w is doing doesn’t make sense when her own parents don’t agree with what she is doing. It also angers me that her own parents can’t talk any reason into her, and they know what she is doing is not right.
Oh and my son’s group number came in 2nd out of 17 other numbers. Very proud of him!!