Thanks in advance as I'm just looking for some help with my situation.
I'm 37, wife 31, 2 year old boy at home.
Dec 9th my wife tells me ILYBINILWY, we don't connect anymore and half of her wants to run from responsibilities.
Feb 1st - we separate as she moves out into a condo near work. For now, our boy stays with me at the house during the week and I take him to daycare. I work nights, so she picks him up and brings him back to our house. When I get home from work around 8pm, she goes back to her place. Weekends we will alternate time with our son. So I see her still quite often.
A few things from the past two months:
Her dad has lung cancer and came back from a trip mid November in rough shape, he just wasn't himself. She started to distance herself from him later that month as she felt he was no longer the same person. Her and her dad are really close. We find out Dec 20th that he has brain cancer and 3-6 months to live. Over the holidays we were there every day but once the new year hit she distanced herself again. Doesn't check in daily with her mom to see how she can help or even to talk to her dad.
Also had been distancing herself over the past couple months from our son - just not a lot of quality time together and she doesn't facetime him at morning or night when she's not with him.
I've done a lot of soul searching in my role in this and I admit I didn't keep the fire burning that well and likely had some resentment showing when it came to caring for our kid. In her mind I wasn't doing things right or playing safe enough with him and that bothered me as I thought she was thinking that I wasn't a capable father. I also was too far in the future planning everything and often I don't think she felt her viewpoint was appreciated enough. I've been working on that.
She recently said she doesn't know who she is. She doesn't think she's right for me. The old her was sad and she wants the new and improved version. She's never been on her own in her life, she's always had a boyfriend and she wants to know what that is like to be single in her own place.
She was sexually assaulted in high school and never talked to a therapist. May be some post-partum and possibly depression now. She knows she needs to talk to someone but is scared to start the conversation for fear of breaking down completely (her words). She said she wants to see if the separation helps her to realize what she may be missing.
I'm trying to keep all interactions with her positive. I'm doing by best to "act as if". I've asked her flat out about an affair, as has her brother, and she says No that she just needs to figure out who she is and what she wants. She did start a new job January 2018 and she's making great money (now the breadwinner of the family).
Anything else I should be aware of?
Thank you.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here but glad that you found us. I think the very best thing you can do for your wife is give her lots of time and space. It sounds like she has gone through some trauma that she has not dealt with yet and is now anticipating additional trauma with the impending death of her dad. I would believe her when she says she needs to figure herself out and figure out what it feels like to be on her own. I fully believe that if you give her the time and space she needs to do that, focus on you and your son living the best lives you can in the meantime, she will find her way back to you. It is easy to say but hard to do. You will want to reach out and pull her back in but do not do it as it will only result in pushing her further away. Others will follow and give you similar advice. Trust it and follow it as best you can as it will give you the best chance of saving your marriage. Best of luck!
Hey Jac! I hope that came through in an Uncle Si voice.
I'm not sure if you've read any other threads here before posting. If so, you'd start to see that most the situations here have a wayward spouse. Usually moving out is to facilitate that waywardness.
Originally Posted by jac12
Doesn't check in daily with her mom to see how she can help or even to talk to her dad.
Don't worry about this for now, she doesn't want or need your advice at the moment and there's nothing you can do about it.
Originally Posted by jac12
Also had been distancing herself over the past couple months from our son - just not a lot of quality time together and she doesn't facetime him at morning or night when she's not with him.
Same advice as above, let it go. Not sure why facetime matters, and part of me wonders if the facetime is something you want.
Originally Posted by jac12
I wasn't doing things right or playing safe enough with him
What's this all about?
The rest of the stuff about her is just WW (wayward wife) garbage. "I need to be free" "I need to see what I may be missing" "I need to find myself". And the fact she's never really been single makes me wonder who she's with now.
You're going to want to read the links Cadet posted. Lots of good info there. Not everything is going to make sense, so keep posting and ask questions.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You found a great place for support. Read Divorce Remedy as soon and as quickly as you can. It is the foundation of all the advise we give here and your first step of personal growth during this process.
One of the most important things you can do is take all your focus off your W and put it on you and your child. Focus on becoming happy and content without her.
You have been given a gift even if you can't see it right now. If you focus on your personal growth during this process, you will come out the other end a changed man.
Best worst thing that has ever happened to me.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sorry you are here but glad that you found us. I think the very best thing you can do for your wife is give her lots of time and space. It sounds like she has gone through some trauma that she has not dealt with yet and is now anticipating additional trauma with the impending death of her dad. I would believe her when she says she needs to figure herself out and figure out what it feels like to be on her own. I fully believe that if you give her the time and space she needs to do that, focus on you and your son living the best lives you can in the meantime, she will find her way back to you. It is easy to say but hard to do. You will want to reach out and pull her back in but do not do it as it will only result in pushing her further away. Others will follow and give you similar advice. Trust it and follow it as best you can as it will give you the best chance of saving your marriage. Best of luck!
Thank you DejaVu6. I'll do my best to give her space.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
"Not sure why facetime matters, and part of me wonders if the facetime is something you want."
I just mean that she's not checking in with her son when she's not here. When I'm away I try to facetime him so I can see him and say good morning or good night. I don't want her to distance herself from our boy.
Originally Posted by jac12
I wasn't doing things right or playing safe enough with him
What's this all about?
If I wasn't changing the diaper correctly I'd hear it and it made me feel inadequate and I'm sure I showed some resentment. I should have just asked her how she likes it or made a little joke I suppose.
The rest of the stuff about her is just WW (wayward wife) garbage. "I need to be free" "I need to see what I may be missing" "I need to find myself". And the fact she's never really been single makes me wonder who she's with now.
Maybe she's with someone now, I really don't know, but that would be very out of character for her (I know you guys probably hear that all the time too).
She also said she's felt numb since her dad was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago, just before our son was born.
Last night at home was very pleasant before she left for her condo. She did ask me though if I would ever consider living in a condo while our son was young. This caught me off guard and I'm not sure if she meant together or on my own, but it was weird of her to ask as we have talked about that in retirement.
I have read DR and most of the other threads - thank you for your replies!
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Change that if you can. What she wants more than anything right now is "not you". Once a woman steps over the line into WAS land, things in her head have changed drastically. She isn't happy, she's not exactly sure why, but she has convinced yourself a lot (or all) of it is because of you and if only she can get you out of her life things will get much better. So the best you can do for her right now is as the others said above, pull back and give her time and space. Eventually she'll realize you're not the problem after all, but it will take time.
Please understand this is a marathon. She's not going to change her mind about the M anytime soon, it's going to be many months or (more likely) a year or more. Things will probably get worse before they get better as her father will no doubt pass away while you are separated, and that will just cause her to go farther down the rabbit hole.
Quote
She recently said she doesn't know who she is. She doesn't think she's right for me.
Oh she thinks she knows. She thinks she wants to be a swinging single and get her groove on. She's just telling you this stuff to try and placate you or "soften the blow".
Quote
She was sexually assaulted in high school and never talked to a therapist. May be some post-partum and possibly depression now. She knows she needs to talk to someone but is scared to start the conversation for fear of breaking down completely (her words). She said she wants to see if the separation helps her to realize what she may be missing.
Don't talk to her about this or the R at all. Your convos should be limited to your son and the weather. If she wants to see a therapist she will, but don't try and push her to do that because it'll be yet another excuse to blame you for how she feels.
Leave her alone, read DR, read Sandi's rules every day, lovingly detach. Work on you. Focus on your S. Get out and GAL. Get in touch with old friends and make new ones. Read relationship books but don't tell her you are.
Change that if you can. What she wants more than anything right now is "not you". Once a woman steps over the line into WAS land, things in her head have changed drastically. She isn't happy, she's not exactly sure why, but she has convinced yourself a lot (or all) of it is because of you and if only she can get you out of her life things will get much better. So the best you can do for her right now is as the others said above, pull back and give her time and space. Eventually she'll realize you're not the problem after all, but it will take time.
Please understand this is a marathon. She's not going to change her mind about the M anytime soon, it's going to be many months or (more likely) a year or more. Things will probably get worse before they get better as her father will no doubt pass away while you are separated, and that will just cause her to go farther down the rabbit hole.
Quote
She recently said she doesn't know who she is. She doesn't think she's right for me.
Oh she thinks she knows. She thinks she wants to be a swinging single and get her groove on. She's just telling you this stuff to try and placate you or "soften the blow".
Quote
She was sexually assaulted in high school and never talked to a therapist. May be some post-partum and possibly depression now. She knows she needs to talk to someone but is scared to start the conversation for fear of breaking down completely (her words). She said she wants to see if the separation helps her to realize what she may be missing.
Don't talk to her about this or the R at all. Your convos should be limited to your son and the weather. If she wants to see a therapist she will, but don't try and push her to do that because it'll be yet another excuse to blame you for how she feels.
Leave her alone, read DR, read Sandi's rules every day, lovingly detach. Work on you. Focus on your S. Get out and GAL. Get in touch with old friends and make new ones. Read relationship books but don't tell her you are.
Most of all, be patient!
Thank you. In regards to me seeing her often there is no way around that right now as she is with my son in the evenings until I get home (I work Mon-Thurs evenings until 8pm) so that will not change for a little bit.
I'm doing what I can to GAL and take care of myself and my son.
She clearly THINKS she knows what she's doing and is in control of everything but everytime we had a REAL conversation she would either get upset or tears would come down and she would go silent. Only wants surface level interactions right now with everyone. She did say hanging out with her work friends was a way for her to escape reality as they dont' talk about her father or our issues...
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Hey jac....sorry this is happening, just crazy that all the sitches here can be so very similar. My W was also sexually abused in HS and now 47 had repressed the pain all her life and never addressed. In the last year through soul searching she was tired of being a victim in her head all of her life and decided she was a survivor.
This led to the last 7-8 months of her having an affair and living a Girls Gone Wild lifestyle, including neglecting our sons one 22 the other 14. It's like she decided that she had been holding back all of her life because of the abuse and wants to relive her younger single days
Listen to what you hear on this site. The initial response is panic and the need to "fix" her.......don't. Live your best life for you and your son even though it will be incredibly difficult as you wonder what life will be like alone.
Read other sitches, post, read some more. Take the time alone to do things you have always wanted to do, whether it is just fixing stuff around the house or things with your son.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
