Midlife wife crisis5

[Wolfman]

My question AS and everyone else, why is that? Why are the for a d then when the pressure is off they don’t talk about it? I know I shouldn’t waste time on thinking about what they are thinking. I guess that’s just my logical brain at work. Is it they are starting to rethink things? Or so they can say they didn’t do the d? I’ll tell you guys dropping the rope and pressure makes me feel better. The other method I was using for 3 months was about creating connections and always perusing. Which was so hard because I was putting in all this effort basically “falling” in love everyday and getting nothing in return. DB is great because if it doesn’t work out I am already free. Thank you everyone for your help. Every day I feel just a little bit better.

[AnotherStander]

My question AS and everyone else, why is that? Why are the for a d then when the pressure is off they don’t talk about it?

Because of all the arguing and begging and pleading and R talks we all do to begin with. It sends them this message: "I don't care what you want, I only care what I want and what I want is for us to stay married and for you to act like nothing is wrong and forget it all happened." With pressure like that, S or D is the only way they see to get out. But if you take all the pressure off, then their attitude changes to "what's the hurry". It doesn't mean they are having second thoughts or anything, it just means that they no longer feel rushed to do something. The whole idea of BD is they want TIME and SPACE. Give it to them and you've basically given them exactly what they wanted.

[LH19]

What method tells you to pursue a woman who is rejecting you? Hope you didn’t pay for it because it probably sealed your fate.

Stick to DB.

[Wolfman]

AS I get they want time and space. For your situation why did you wait 6 months? What exactly made you decide to move forward with d? If you don’t mind me asking?
LH the program is run by Fort Mertel. Changed the first letter of the name. Don’t know if you heard of him. His whole program is about connections, (touch charge, talk charge, giving gifts) to name a few things. Some things in that program is true for DB. Absolutely no R talks. Don’t believe anything they say. I think that was it. Lol.
Just taking it one day at a time. GAL, detaching and being the best dad for my kids!!!

[LH19]

Yeah his program has been tried by some DBers only to find it just pushed the WW further away. His program is more for early troubles in a marriage.

[Ready2Change]

....just trying to figure it out..... Kinda wrap my head around what she is planning...I am trying to figure out what ....But will take an insights.

This is wasted energy. Focus on your personal growth.


When your W sees you, does she see someone new? Is this new guy listening to her? Does he look happy and confident? Does he stand up to her in a non-threatening way? Does he have his sh't together and taking care of himself, his kids, his things?

[Wolfman]

I believe she see someone new. I am definitely more upbeat, I make it a point to always be happy when I am around her and the kids. I make sure I always look good, good cologne. I take care of my kids always doing something with them. I got back into my second job, I had put that on hold for a while to heal emotionally. I feel a lot better. I am not going to lie there absolutely times I get depressed and down, just never around the w. I don’t want her to see that. I am making sure I validate her feelings. I am slowly becoming, “a man only a fool would leave.” I have been going out and have been getting looks from other women which helps the ego. Lol

[Wolfman]

Happy Easter and Happy Passover to all the people on here who have been guiding me, helping me and hitting me with those 2x4s. Hope today was a great day for each and everyone of you.

[Wolfman]

I just need to talk. Why is it some days I feel like I can do this and others I feel completely devastated? There are days I feel like things will get better with or without her. Why does it hurt so much when I see other families together and makes me think what did I do wrong? I know I need to detach more, but how do you detach from the family concept? On here it’s about detaching from the w. What about how much I miss my kids when I am not with them? This is going to be a tough week, we are off from work. I will fill up my days with stuff to do and people to see, but it’s fake. It’s fake because it’s not what I really want, I want my family. I know she is not “there” but how can she be ok with this dynamic when all she ever stressed for 19 years was family? I guess as the LBS I struggle to understand what she feels, I know that’s wasted energy but it just hurts. The love I have for my family is endless. Again, I know she is not “there” how do they come back? I know I have not been a model student on here but sometimes the detachment seems like it’s creating a big “gap” between us. We had a great Easter brunch with the kids. She asked me to come back to the house and I told her, thank you but I am going to spend time with my parents now. She said you can stay for a little while if you like you don’t have to leave right away. I said I appreciate that but it’s ok I will be back later to put the kids to bed. She almost seemed a little annoyed I wasn’t staying. That’s why for me this detachment is hard for me, everytime I detach it feels wrong. Sorry for the post, just down. She took the kids away for the day they will be back tomorrow I have a whole day planned of things to do. I just miss them and feeling a little depressed. I know once I get moving I will feel better. Thanks for listening guys.
I guess the other thing I struggle with is yesterday. We had a nice family brunch good conversation, laughing just an overall good time. For me it’s like, “see we can make this work.” If you were an outsider looking in you wouldn’t have thought we were a happily married couple and a happy family. why doesn’t the WAS see those good connections as a possibility? That’s my struggle? Is it in their mind there is so much “bad” that happened in the past? Sorry again guys just miss and love my family and always loved a week off to do family things together.

[joejoe1]

Wolf,

It won't be easy no matter the direction. And the post above proves even more you need to detach. You are still putting your happiness and well being on your W being in your life. Even if she were to return you would have to have some level of detachment. Until you can accept where you M is at the moment you can't move on and grow. What you truly want is the pain to go away. Trust me, your W coming back won't stop the pain.

When you have grace and joy, no person can steal that from you. Find peace, I know it's hard. Also, most of us on here had to fake it to get to a place of acceptance.

Take it from me, even if your W comes around, it won't change to fact you need to heal. I'm working with these issues now, insecurities, comparisons, hyper worrying. They are going away the more I learn to love myself. It's nothing my wife can do to help me process or make those things better. Having confidence in myself and knowing that I cant control another person does. No matter what the outcome of my M, I will be fine. I now know that. Will there be pain, yes. But I will make it thru whatever obstacles are in my way.

Just because you have a good day, don't erase the pains of the past. Being Consistent and time does. She must see, those type of days and a confident Wolf.

I had a preacher tell me that my W had a rollerdex of pictures of me in her mind, and they were all bad, my job now is to overwrite all those old pictures/slash memories with better pictures. That way when she thinks of me, if there enough good photos/memories the old ones won't come up first. Getting all those old memories overwritten takes time.

Takes yesterday as a good memory stored and old bad memory overwritten. One day at a time.


Onward and forward