Sorry to highjack the thread for a sec. So, Steve, my H is no longer living at home, lives with OW. He came to the house over the weekend, brought OW. She at least didn't come in. I didn't say anything since I was so surprised at the moment. Are you saying to not say anything to him about it? Just basically that it is disrespectful. Is that pressure and pursuit?
What would you consider saying to him? And what result are you looking for? In general, until things change, you should switch into a coparenting relationship with him. Unless there is something to be accomplished, I would say don't say anything. She sat in the car right? I am sure you would prefer she disappear off the face of the earth, but that's not going to happen.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We have a big saying around here. ACTIONS not words. She’s definitely not working on it and you can’t reconnect while she is opening up to another man.
If she wants space give her space! Give her more space then she will ever imagine. Right now the other dude is meeting her emotional needs while you are doing all the husbandly duties minus the sex. Not a good place to right now. How can we change the dynamics?
Are you currently in super husband mode and doing all the chores, cleaning shopping? If so this needs to stop.
This chump at work I assume is married with children?
Thanks - you are right. For all I know now she is struggling to wring herself from it, but I'm not going to ask.
He's married without children but from what I gather is planning on children.
I've backed off from being super husband and am basically out of the house doing something I want to do or with people I want to be with most of the time now. She's definitely getting loads more space.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
My dilemma right now is how to handle this EA. She might not know it's an EA. My conception of it from what I can gather without snooping is that they have long talks/texting sessions and just talk about everything under the sun in a very carefree fun and flirty way. This is partly from just watching her. Shes glued to the phone and always looks happy. Shes basically done deeply/excitedly talking to me about her life and interests and instead does so with him. They also work out together.
Sounds like my X wife. I made a mistake by not setting a boundary on this disrespectful behavior.
My mantras: "I do not share my woman with other men." "I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me"
Give her two choices that you are perfectly fine with. Him or me. You do not need to do this now, but this is the mindset you need to get to. The sooner the better.
W:"He is just a friend" H:"We both know that is not the truth" W:Bla bla blal bla"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
"Here is what I need in my marriage___________, ___________, _____________, and________________. If you can't respect that then I have decided that I can't be married to you."
The blanks are the non-negotiable issues. "I won't share you with another man."Joint decisions on how we spend our money."
You then need ways to verify these issues. Transparency: access to each others e-mail, FB, cell phone etc. Weekly discussions about your finances. Find solutions that work for you two.
You steer clear of the emotions by thinking thru the issues. Calm, cool and collected. Lead on brother.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
She recognizes this and says she "cant give me reassurances" and that she is "suffocating and needs space".
That's pretty typical. She won't believe your changes at first, she needs to see them over a long period of time before she believes they are real and not just tricks to get her back.
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I was mostly keeping it cool for a couple of months, but in March I had a bad few days, fell apart with anxiety and insecurity, and we ended up sleeping in separate rooms for a couple of weeks after she demanded space.
You're back in the MBR now? STAY THERE. Next time she asks for space remind her that you are doing nothing to stop her from taking all the space she wants. She can sleep on the floor, in another room, in the closet, the bathtub or in the backyard. Not your concern. YOU STAY THERE. This is part of reestablishing your manhood after having much of it stripped away after BD.
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Following this, we had a false start at MC when the counselor gave up in the second week. We had enrolled in individual counseling at the same time. I tried to find a new MC but it was met with resistance because she wanted to continue individual sessions for a while first.
Stick with IC. Discontinue MC. Most WAS's do it to check off their list of "things I tried to save the M but only proved it was already over".
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In the background, I'm 95% sure there is an EA with a coworker that probably got hot in December. When asked, this was denied and blame shifting seems to occur. I don't want to snoop and be consumed with it, but any space I create, he is just going to fill.
No, he is going to fill all the space no matter what you do. You've been fired as H, you are no longer her go-to for emotional support. Don't fall into the trap of trying to prove yourself better than OM, because that will just look sad, needy and desperate to her. Your attitude should be "I am too good for this lying cheater, I will work on myself and leave her to the mess she is making unless and until she fully repents of it".
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How do I balance "I want to work on it" and some affection and normalcy before I started to withdraw myself with the now very cold feeling now that I'm withdrawing?
You don't work on "it" you work on YOU. And affection is definitely off the menu for now, and probably for months. As far as withdrawing, I don't think you understand the concept of detachment. It's not withdrawing, it's to stop pursuing. Read the book.
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Also, I have not yet read DR, since we share a bank account I need to find a way to get my hands on it.
Go to the bookstore and pay cash. You need it. This forum is to help you with the concepts in Michele's books, but it is not a replacement for the books and for DB coaching.
Thanks for the reply! Finally found a place that has it in stock.
By "working on it" I meant that she has said that, sorry if that was unclear. Her words have indicated that she wants to try, but I assume I should ignore that.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
In the meantime, work on yourself, read that book, take good notes. Remember, there are lots of issues that contributed to this on both sides. You can work on yours. You won’t fix all of them, and you certainly won’t fix them in a day or two.
How does one eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Gonnatake some time to eat that proverbial elephant. One problem at a time. Work on yourself. You can do it!
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
She keeps saying "I love you" without me saying it first when leaving the house, I'd been saying "I love you too" but I didn't today. She said it 3 times in 5 minutes. If only there was any other sign that she wasn't just stringing me along!
In a moment of weakness yesterday I loved on her. Probably shouldn't have.
But shes also 99% having an EA so...I wish there was some way to prove and confront just to get all of this over with. I don't have any kind of proof that could be considered "rock solid" and I don't want to lose myself in the black hole of snooping, and sadly not having confrontation or divorce-court level legal proof is limbo.
The relationship history rewriting is really disappointing too now that I see the holes left behind where she used to obviously love me. That's the worst part. She did love me and was attracted to me even though she says she isn't or maybe never was. Limerence and the history rewrite are driving us into the ground.
Last edited by oops13; 04/27/1901:07 PM.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
All of our WASs rewrote history. All of them said they didn't love us and maybe never did. You are fixating way too much on her words. Remember believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do. And that includes both positive and negative things. You cannot react emotionally to anything she says or does. They is why we say detach. Detachment is the only successful way forward.
How is your GAL going?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
