W: Good Morning! Just wanted you to know I"m thinking about you and 11yrs ago was a very happy and special memory for me (heart emoji) I hop you have a good day and I love you.
How do I respond?
Last edited by P_Jam; 05/03/1904:32 PM.
H(me:) 44 W: 45 T: 16yrs M: 13 S: 9 S: 6 Pre BD (not really recognized by either) 8/18 PA 11/18 PA suspected 12/22/18 (Denied) PA confirmed 12/28/18 PA #2 (Different) 2/16/19 S: 4/7/2019
Sandi, Right now I'm working NGS. Read that book and it felt like it was specifically for me. Took it to my IC and creating he is creating 'program' around the issues.
Also working on Shame, intrinsic value, and vulnerability. <- these are tough to do without W.. as she would be getting the 'actions'. But its still possible. Building strong, open (vulnerable) relationships with other men.
As well as being the best father possible at all times. I was not a bad father before but I did leave a lot to W to handle. Now that we are S I'm really enjoying being fully present with them when I have them.
I need to learn to open myself up (full self). In regards to relationship... it was really just about neglect. She needed more help, I should have given it to her.
H(me:) 44 W: 45 T: 16yrs M: 13 S: 9 S: 6 Pre BD (not really recognized by either) 8/18 PA 11/18 PA suspected 12/22/18 (Denied) PA confirmed 12/28/18 PA #2 (Different) 2/16/19 S: 4/7/2019
Re Mother's day: I think it went "well" although I'm very cautious to put any expectations on it. I was invited over to MIL house the day before Mother's day for BBQ (nieces B-day). I was invited by MIL but I'm pretty sure it was approved by W as the last time I was invited by MIL W made it clear that she is not allowed to do that unless checking with W first. I declined the invite. I did not see her on Mothers day at all, sent her a text in the morning just saying "happy Mothers day I hope it's a great one for you" and I got 2 cards from the boys with Gift cards for her, as well as a plant and some cash for MIL (she's amazing help to us both for child care). But I also wrote a long 2 page letter with a simple card to my W. In it it put aside EVERYTHING we have going on and wrote a letter celebrating what a wonderful mother she is. I wanted to recognize her as she is an amazing mother to my boys and this has really never wavered in this. I also wanted her to know that I now am also better recognizing what she has done over the past 10yrs. I did not ask her back or ANYTHING like that stuck only to motherhood and reminded her of good/difficult events in our life with the kids that we both handled well together. I know this is still probably some 'pressure' but for my own needs it felt necessary considering the abandonment and taking for granted that has helped us get to where we are. I'm sure you may disagree but part of my own work is being able to be vulnerable and open up (as well as acknowledge) my issues over the years. So regardless of how it was received I was willing to send it for these reasons (agreed by IC as well). Here is here text response after reading the letter:
"Your letter again brought me to tears. Absolutely the sweetest thing I've ever gotten on Mother's Day. Some of those memories lol... some of the best times of my life and some so scary. And truly am blessed to have shared those moments with you. We went through ALOT and we did it pretty darn good together considering some of the crazy things that have happened, I know this. We are beyond blessed with these boys. Thank you for writing & Sharing that letter today. I needed that, truly. It made me cry and smile and laugh. I love you P!"
Sandi, I guess I'm just saying that I'm doing some really hard/deep work with IC and making changes. I'm getting to the root of some of my issues and insecurities and just understanding where and what they are has given me a lot of opportunity to make changes in my daily interactions with EVERYONE and it would be nice to share some of this with W. These are some of the things that she has had issues with it would be nice for her to have more opportunity to see the changes - but regardless I'm making them anyway.
Update: I've been very busy GAL. Boys last football game was on Saturday (until Playoffs in June) so this will be the first week that we won't have any reason to be together at all. I still do not text her at all unless she texts me. She usually finds a reason to text me at least once a day (mostly about the boys) but still EVERYDAY. I do not initiate. I've been doing a lot of golfing, lots of time in the gym (looking pretty good). Have been investing in newer wardrobe. I don't believe my previous wardrobe was to bad at all, but I have added a bit more of a flare outside of my normal style. I think she has noticed when she does see me. She made a simple comment "you look good". I"m taking the boys camping over the memorial day weekend. I've also continued to be the best father I can be. I do not sit around when I have my boys unless they are more interested in playing with the neighborhood kids, but I often ask them to go out back and throw the ball and never turn them down when they ask me.
So overall I think it is going good. I can tell I'm continuing to detach. I don't at all think I'm fully detached but I am getting more comfortable everyday with the ambiguity of how this may or may not turn out. I'm working on defining a timeline in my head for how long I will stay in 'limbo'. I do plan to have one conversation with her in the future letting her know that my 'waiting' is not infinite and that she needs to be doing some thinking about when/if she plans to work on our relationship. I won't give her my mental timeline but I think its important for her to know that I am still wanting this to work but in the not so distant future I will either be pouring my energy into rebuilding with her, or I will be pouring my energy in completely moving on with my life. Again, you will probably disagree but I have said since day one that I do not see myself as one of those strong (lighthouse) people that will still be wanting this to work out in a year. Because of the mutual infidelity I believe its important that I maintain my fidelity for a while but at some point I will begin to work through relationship issues and pursuing others. I'm sure you are right that I won't be ready for a FULL relationship for at least a year - but I personally don't agree it's all or nothing for those 12 months. Point.. I will start dating (slowly). So these are benchmarks that I'm making for myself.
FYI - I don't have ANY proof other than gut instinct based on little conversations I had with her as well as where she is and who shes' with when my kids call her on the nights they are with me, but I do think that GGW has slowed. I have no idea if OM is completely out of the picture but I do believe the one PA has significantly stalled on a physical level. Again I have no idea who she is texting and messaging with - but I do have a decent idea that her 2am nights have slowed. But I couldn't prove any of it - maybe she has just gotten so much better of hiding it - but my kids always face time (not just phone call) so I can see where and who she is with (a little) obviously she could be making sure they are not in the shot - but I just don't currently believe that is what is going on.
H(me:) 44 W: 45 T: 16yrs M: 13 S: 9 S: 6 Pre BD (not really recognized by either) 8/18 PA 11/18 PA suspected 12/22/18 (Denied) PA confirmed 12/28/18 PA #2 (Different) 2/16/19 S: 4/7/2019
W: Good Morning! Just wanted you to know I"m thinking about you and 11yrs ago was a very happy and special memory for me (heart emoji) I hop you have a good day and I love you.
I had this too.
Lots of texts and emails like this. They meant absolutely nothing.
I can count the number of ones I responded to on one hand.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
