Just keep DB and when she has outbursts keep validating. When she puts you down ignore her. I dont validate put downs. Fortunately my WW never put me down regarding sex. However, her put downs still hurt.
Time for you to go dark. Go see the L. Get your ducks in a row. My WW began threatening D in August. At first it was a "if you keep smothering me, snooping, blaming me for having an A, I will file for D"
I confirmed PA and then I pulled back hard. I she started pursuing but negatively. Like full on criticism and judgement. Bersting me, putting me down. I just ignored and/or asked her to leave me alone.
Then she kept saying "stop acting like you want to stay married"
I responded by saying that I didnt want a D, but no, I did not want to stay married to this version of her. I told her if she wanted D that I wont get in her way. Took her until March 2019 to have the D paperwork drawn up. Little bit of back and forth on the settlement but its filed now.
I am happy that I wont be married to the horrible person my WW became.
All she does now is sit around, drink wine (yes she started drinking again) and listen to sad music about lost love.
Oh well.
Just be prepared for anything man. They literally go nuts.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Time for you to go dark. Go see the L. Get your ducks in a row. My WW began threatening D in August. At first it was a "if you keep smothering me, snooping, blaming me for having an A, I will file for D"
I confirmed PA and then I pulled back hard. I she started pursuing but negatively. Like full on criticism and judgement. Bersting me, putting me down. I just ignored and/or asked her to leave me alone.
SoTorn, thanks for the advice. My WW has threatened D a couple times since BD 6 months ago. This time I believe she’s serious and is ready to follow through. I do expect the negative criticism and attacks to ramp up as she continues to blame me for all of this. Yesterday’s outburst was clearly to make me feel guilty and justify her choice leave in her mind. I am planning for the worst and have scheduled call with L. The door is still open for her if she decides to make the right choice as R is best for my kids in the long run. However, for the time being DBing is all I can do to best protect myself and my kids.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Curtis, you may not be familiar with 25 as she hasn't posted on here in the last few months, but one of her gold-plated pieces of advice was that it's the LBS's job to "keep the way home paved and smooth." That's really it, that's what DB'ing is all about. It's not to throw a hook into her and drag her kicking and screaming back home. It's not to dig potholes and set up roadblocks making it harder for her to drive home. It's not to put your front bumper against her back bumper and shove her farther down the road. It is simply to live your life and leave her alone, to be the rock and the lighthouse so that when she looks back she sees someone she WANTS to be with. If she chooses to drive home, then your job is to make that drive as easy as you can. BUT SHE HAS TO WANT TO MAKE THE DRIVE, AND SHE HAS TO DRIVE, NOT YOU.
So with this in mind, ask yourself if you are keeping the way home paved and smooth. Personally I don't think you are, I think you are digging potholes and trenches in the road. You are sabotaging the way home. You have good intentions, you are hoping that by shoving her nose in the affair and embarrassing her by accusing her of being a bad mother that you will wake her up and she will see the error of her ways and want to come back and work on the M. THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS!!!! You can't "nice" her back, I think you've already learned that. But unfortunately you've made the classic LBS mistake of then trying to "mean" her back, but that is equally ineffective. It's time to drop back, regroup, focus on you and the kids and well and truly leave her alone.
I agree with what AS says. Remember, this time is for you to focus on you and the kids. Thats it. But yes, you need to protect yourself. If you feel that she is going to file for D, go speak with an L. You don't have to tell her about this. It is good to know your rights and know the laws and have an L ready to go if it all goes down that path.
Don't talk about the A anymore, it does nothing. She won't stop and she won't care. Just focus on you and the kids. Do what makes you happy.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Curtis, you may not be familiar with 25 as she hasn't posted on here in the last few months, but one of her gold-plated pieces of advice was that it's the LBS's job to "keep the way home paved and smooth." That's really it, that's what DB'ing is all about. It's not to throw a hook into her and drag her kicking and screaming back home. It's not to dig potholes and set up roadblocks making it harder for her to drive home. It's not to put your front bumper against her back bumper and shove her farther down the road. It is simply to live your life and leave her alone, to be the rock and the lighthouse so that when she looks back she sees someone she WANTS to be with. If she chooses to drive home, then your job is to make that drive as easy as you can. BUT SHE HAS TO WANT TO MAKE THE DRIVE, AND SHE HAS TO DRIVE, NOT YOU.
So with this in mind, ask yourself if you are keeping the way home paved and smooth. Personally I don't think you are, I think you are digging potholes and trenches in the road. You are sabotaging the way home. You have good intentions, you are hoping that by shoving her nose in the affair and embarrassing her by accusing her of being a bad mother that you will wake her up and she will see the error of her ways and want to come back and work on the M. THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS!!!! You can't "nice" her back, I think you've already learned that. But unfortunately you've made the classic LBS mistake of then trying to "mean" her back, but that is equally ineffective. It's time to drop back, regroup, focus on you and the kids and well and truly leave her alone.
Hi AS, I do want to keep the way home paved and smooth. I am confused on how to do that when setting boundaries and enforcing consequences. It did seem mean to box up her clothes and leave them in the garage, but that has been recommended on several occasions previously due to her waywardness. It hurt me to see your cry and be in pain.
Should I apologize to her for anything (exposing the A, guilting her over the kids, boxing her stuff)? Should I tell her that the door is open and she is welcome to come back if she ever feels differently, that I won’t bring up those things again, and that I will leave her alone?
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Should I apologize to her for anything (exposing the A, guilting her over the kids, boxing her stuff)? Should I tell her that the door is open and she is welcome to come back if she ever feels differently, that I won’t bring up those things again, and that I will leave her alone?
No, no... NO!
Done is done, and learn from that experience you had. Show her with your actions, stop using your mouth for anything but breathing and eating. She KNOWS how welcome back she is, because you are displaying pursuit behavior my friend. Follow the last 3 words in the above quote... Leave her alone......
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
For right now you need to just leave her alone. You are really confused right now and need to stop and take a deep breath. Yes, boxing up her stuff would of represented strength if you did it when you first caught her in an affair. Now your just helping her move. Forget boundaries for now. Unless your willing to serve her which you’re not, just forget about it for now.
Also I want to make the clear. No more telling her you still love her and are willing to work on the marriage. Trust me she knows. No apologies for anything. The next apology needs to come from her.
I think you need to post more often and read over the homework some more until you get a better understanding of what you need to do.
No apologies for anything. The next apology needs to come from her.
I think I'm going to print this out and frame it.
LH, agreed, this one is gold and I would imagine will only happen if/when she ever hits rock bottom.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
No apologies for anything. The next apology needs to come from her.
I think I'm going to print this out and frame it.
Exactly. She needs to get through her issues, start loving herself, apologize and pursue you.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
