I Was Jerk (Part 2)

[LH19]

Perfect!

[Ready2Change]

So I think many of us are in the same boat with Mothers Day looming - what to do? A recap of my sitch - W has filed for D, we are currently IHS, I am hoping to move within a month or so. My view is that I will get her a card from both kids and something small from each kid, and that's it. Not planning anything as a family for the day - no brunch, no nothing. She can go do something with the kids if she wants.

YUP. Let S7 pick out something. Give him some ideas if needed.

[AnotherStander]

My view is that I will get her a card from both kids and something small from each kid, and that's it. Not planning anything as a family for the day - no brunch, no nothing. She can go do something with the kids if she wants.

^^^Nailed it!^^^

[FlySolo]

It is not about your and her it is about your children. She is still their mum and they will want to give her something. Do it for them.

Dont make it too personal - i got my H a card from each of the girls and a small silver key ring with each of the girls initials on fathers day. He does the same for me. This year I got cards, flowers and a bracelet. It was his day to have them but he didnt hesitate when I asked if i could take them to lunch even though he had planned to take them around his mums form mothers day lunch. He took them in the evening instead. The girls asked if i could join them and he said sure as Kong as mummy is ok with it. Children shouldn't be used as pawns. I may not like everything he has done, but i respect him as a father. Your W will respect you as well, but more importantly, your children will.

[Adam04]

Gekko,

For Mother’s Day weekend it’s my week to have the boys. I told W they can spend mother’s day with her. She did invite me over to the house since her side of the family is doing a crawfish boil. I declined. I asked my S6 and S11 what they want to get mom, and S6 said chocolates and S11 said flowers. We will spend Saturday creating something personal for her like a thank you card from them for all the wonderful things she’s done for them. I might encourage S11 to make a poem or S6 to draw a picture. Whatever they want to do for mom I will encourage.

I have an estranged relationship with my mother now, but when I was younger like my children’s age, I thought the world of her and I still remember all the nice things I made and did for her. She too remembers and mentioned it years ago.

[Ready2Change]

Here is part of an email exchange I had 10 years ago with W:

It appears there is some confusion regarding this fathers day. I would like to reach a mothers day / fathers day agreement with you.

I was talking to the children about fathers day and they all said "Mom said she doesn't want us to be with you on fathers day and there is nothing in the paperwork." In the past, you have dropped the kids off the night before at 6p and I dropped them back off at 6p. I did check the divorce agreement and there is nothing regarding Fathers day or Mothers day.

I see two options that are best for our children and allow them to spend mothers day/ fathers day with the appropriate parent:

1) 24 hour option --> 8:30p the night before to 8:30p the night of
2) 11.5 hour option --> 9a the day of to 8:30p the day of

Do either of these sound good to you? If not, do you have another suggestion?

If I don't hear back from you by 5p today, I will initiate the mediation process to help us come to resolution.

Thanks for you attention to this matter.

Best Regards,R2C

I searched the paperwork last week and saw nothing regarding Mother's/Father's Day. I told the kids that we would stop by so that they could see you and then we' head to celebrate with my dad.

Yes, searching the paperwork will not give you the answer to my question. Searching your core values will. I have spoken with each of the children and they all expressed their deep desires to share mothers day with you and fathers day with me. We can do the right thing for our kids and allow them to spend fathers day with me and mothers day with you. Or we can fall back on legal paperwork. Your choice. I just suggest making the right choice for the right reasons.

If you change your mind before 1p tomorrow (That will give you ample time to speak with the children and hear their true feelings as well as consult anyone else) , let me know and we can work out the exchange times.

If I don't hear back from you, I will consider this matter closed (even though I don't think it is the right choice) and we will stick to the normal parenting schedule on mothers day and fathers day from this point forward.

Best Regards,R2C

I talked to the kids - I'll agree to dropping the kids off around 11a on Sunday and expect them home at 7p. Let me know if this doesn't work for you.

Exchanges at 11a and 7p this Sunday works for me. Thank you.

Regarding all future mothers day / fathers day, would either of these work for you so that we can plan accordingly:

3) 9a the day of to 5p the day of.
4) 5p the day before to 5p the day of

R2C

[Gekko]

I have a pretty detailed draft custody agreement, but W has not agreed. In fact, she now wants custody the exact same days that I put down for myself in the agreement. No surprise. I want the kids from Sat 5 pm to Tuesday school drop off, she gets every Wed after school to Sat 5 pm, and we rotate Tues night every other week. So its a 3-4-4-3 schedule. To compromise I offered to swap schedules with her every 6 months so at least we each get our preferred schedule for 1/2 the year, but she won't do that, she wants her days for the whole year. Says its bad for the kids to change schedule every 6 months. I'm not so sure about that, as many schedules I have seen don't have the kids at the same house on the same days every week, so that is a lot more change than I am proposing and people seem to be doing it. Not sure how this is going to play out but it could be a major battle.

[AnotherStander]

I have a pretty detailed draft custody agreement, but W has not agreed. In fact, she now wants custody the exact same days that I put down for myself in the agreement. No surprise. I want the kids from Sat 5 pm to Tuesday school drop off, she gets every Wed after school to Sat 5 pm, and we rotate Tues night every other week. So its a 3-4-4-3 schedule. To compromise I offered to swap schedules with her every 6 months so at least we each get our preferred schedule for 1/2 the year, but she won't do that, she wants her days for the whole year. Says its bad for the kids to change schedule every 6 months. I'm not so sure about that, as many schedules I have seen don't have the kids at the same house on the same days every week, so that is a lot more change than I am proposing and people seem to be doing it. Not sure how this is going to play out but it could be a major battle.

Your offer of switching every 6 months sounds very reasonable, but if she refuses then I'm not sure it's worth a prolonged court battle versus just agreeing to give her the slot she wants. It sounds like a pretty even split regardless, so you're really not that far apart on an agreement.

[Gekko]

Your offer of switching every 6 months sounds very reasonable, but if she refuses then I'm not sure it's worth a prolonged court battle versus just agreeing to give her the slot she wants. It sounds like a pretty even split regardless, so you're really not that far apart on an agreement.

That's the trick AS - where to draw the battle line.

She has also proposed we just do a temporary schedule for now so I can move out of the house. I'm not too keen on a temporary deal but I really do want out and into my own space....

[Ready2Change]

Draw the battle line at 50/50.


Or let her pick one day, you pick the next she picks the next. You split the last.