I have been reading the threads on this forum and it has been very helpful. God bless all of you who take time to help others here.
It took me more than 9 months after the bomb drop to realize my wife was in MLC. I believe she was in replay/depression during the bomb drop that happened about a year ago. I did a semi-180 with focus on my own well being. It was semi-180 because I also kept having relationship talks with her. I was not as motivated to save the marriage because I took her criticism personally without knowing about MLC and that the monster she had become was not my real wife. 8 months after BD we had a big argument where I said some harsh things and she filed for D. It was only after this that I learned about MLC and became sympathetic to the emotional pain she is suffering and tried to save the marriage without expectations for me. We are close to finalizing our D with separation terms finalized now.
We are both conservative and there is no OM or affair. Her replay has been on trying to establish a career after being a stay at home mom for a decade. Her father worked away from home for extended periods of time for the first ten years of her life and her mother has NPD tendencies. I read on one of the threads that they go back to people who stunted their emotional growth and she seems to be doing that by getting close again with her parents and relatives from her youth.
I feel like she is reconnecting more with me over the past few weeks. I see cycling between acceptance and withdrawal. We still live in the same house for now and she has been becoming more normal in her interactions with me over time. Not sure if it is me understanding MLC and giving her space or the D getting finalized and taking pressure away but things are improving even though the D process is moving fast.
I was surprised when this week she actually opened up and talked about some positive things I did during our marriage. I am on an emotional roller coaster now with the mixed signals. To avoid getting my hopes up I have subconsciously reduced the amount of interaction I initiate with her from my end. I am still friendly with her otherwise and when we interact there is no tension. Is she getting to the acceptance stage with hope for reconnection or is it still touch and go? Confused if I should do anything or just be patient and let things play out. Is the reduced interaction from my side ok?
God bless all of you in this community. You are a huge source of support.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Is she getting to the acceptance stage with hope for reconnection or is it still touch and go? Confused if I should do anything or just be patient and let things play out. Is the reduced interaction from my side ok?
Learned a new quote last week. When they want to reconnect you will know. If they don't, you'll be confused. It is always touch and go until after you've R'd and pieced for a long while you can look back and see a pattern of consistent behavior on her part.
I just told another poster. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all. Yes, be patient. Let things play out. Continue to let her come toward you. (Think of the analogy of a cat. Cats want you when you don't want them. If you call a cat, or pick it up, it will want to go the other way. But if you let it come to you of its own will, then often times you can hold it for a long time.)
Continue to focus on yourself. Positive 180s. Detachment (please Google "self differentiation in marriage", I think it is a better way of understanding what detachment is). GAL. Be intriguing to her. A little mysterious. Think of what attracted her to you to begin with (likely wasn't clinginess and neediness). Be the man only a fool would leave!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Is she getting to the acceptance stage with hope for reconnection or is it still touch and go? Confused if I should do anything or just be patient and let things play out. Is the reduced interaction from my side ok?
I doubt she is at the acceptance stage of MLC.
Patience will rule the day.
Think like you are feeding a squirrel. Any sudden movements will likely result in the squirrel running away. All you can do is be still and hope the squirrel comes to you to get fed. Chasing it will not bring you closer.
I feel like she is reconnecting more with me over the past few weeks. I see cycling between acceptance and withdrawal. We still live in the same house for now and she has been becoming more normal in her interactions with me over time. Not sure if it is me understanding MLC and giving her space or the D getting finalized and taking pressure away but things are improving even though the D process is moving fast.
Well that's a positive sign at least. It's probably not an indication that she will back down from D, but it does point towards you effectively removing pressure and she feels more comfortable around you. So keep doing what you're doing.
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I am on an emotional roller coaster now with the mixed signals. To avoid getting my hopes up I have subconsciously reduced the amount of interaction I initiate with her from my end.
They're not really mixed signals, she's still full steam ahead with D I'm sure. Like I said it's just an indication that you've been doing well at removing pressure. She feels like you're not going to fight her on D so she's lowering her guard a teeny bit.
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Is she getting to the acceptance stage with hope for reconnection or is it still touch and go? Confused if I should do anything or just be patient and let things play out. Is the reduced interaction from my side ok?
I agree with Cadet, she's likely not at acceptance yet. It could be years before she's there. MLCers are on a long timeline, much longer than the WAS's that you may read about in this particular forum. You'll get more responses posting here so stay here, but do read as much as you can on the MLC forum as well so you can temper your expectations. So yes be patient and let things play out, even if that means divorce. D isn't necessarily the end of things. As far as reduced interaction, if that is helping you cope then by all means do it. It's not going to hurt your sitch and may even help it.
My W is at a similar point. 9 months in here. 2-3 months of full understanding on my part. My W is also in crisis, but I'm thinking she is MLC, WAS and/or perimenopause all combined. MIL has told me her 40s were bad - perimenopause through the roof. Hated husband for no good reason. She thinks could be the same with her D.
Also no affair going on, but there may be some IA's with all the internet use. One can never be 100 percent but I'm pretty sure it's not reciprocated - she leaves her phone/tablet out in the open. I do not look at all.
Saw some positive signs after about 5 weeks of DBing last few weeks only to plunge back into the MLC trough this weekend. I'm still at touch and go. She still wants S, but hasnt made a move past IHS yet. My increase on space and detachment seems to have put at least a temp pause on that.
You're in a great place. These people know a lot. The resources are also amazing reads, esp on MLC. I'm sorry you're here, but be glad you are here!
Wow. I just learned a ton in these few posts. My W is at a similar point. 9 months in here. 2-3 months of full understanding on my part. My W is also in crisis, but I'm thinking she is MLC, WAS and/or perimenopause all combined. MIL has told me her 40s were bad - perimenopause through the roof. Hated husband for no good reason. She thinks could be the same with her D.
I forgot to mention my wife is at perimenopause also. Seems like a very similar situation. I also often wonder if my wife is in crisis due to a combination of the three.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
They're not really mixed signals, she's still full steam ahead with D I'm sure.
Once the D was filed the attorneys seemed to give it a life of its own so I just let that play out. I did not want to add any additional pressure on her by fighting to delay it. The process was amicable, she was not angry to make things difficult for me and I did not make it difficult from my side. If a reconciliation happens I know it will have to be after the D. If I had known she was in MLC before the D filing I probably could have stopped it. Things just moved too fast and smoothly once it was filed.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I agree with Cadet, she's likely not at acceptance yet. It could be years before she's there. MLCers are on a long timeline, much longer than the WAS's that you may read about in this particular forum.
I am continuing to be patient and not raising my hopes. Things seem to be moving in the right direction so even if she is not at acceptance I hope she is at least moving in the right direction. When I look back, I feel her MLC first started about 2 years before the bomb drop so I would guess she is about 2-3 years into the crisis.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Learned a new quote last week. When they want to reconnect you will know. If they don't, you'll be confused. It is always touch and go until after you've R'd and pieced for a long while you can look back and see a pattern of consistent behavior on her part.
Originally Posted by Cadet
Patience will rule the day.
The hardest part of being patient is watching the damage she is inflicting during this time but what choice do I really have? Sigh!
Also you said if you knew she was in MLC pre-BD, you could have stopped it. Can you please elaborate?
I like a certain song lyric I've heard about patience: "Patience is a virtue / Until its silence burns you." Feels apropos to my sitch, probably to yours as well.
Also you said if you knew she was in MLC pre-BD, you could have stopped it. Can you please elaborate?
I like a certain song lyric I've heard about patience: "Patience is a virtue / Until its silence burns you." Feels apropos to my sitch, probably to yours as well.
She's 41. What I said is if I had known pre-D filing I could have prevented the D filing. I was putting a lot of pressure on her to make up her mind which did not help. Her MLC would have happened anyway, her problem not mine to solve.
More than patience I am focusing on my own acceptance of the situation and letting go of control. Knowing I am helpless to do anything helps more than anything
Also you said if you knew she was in MLC pre-BD, you could have stopped it. Can you please elaborate?
I like a certain song lyric I've heard about patience: "Patience is a virtue / Until its silence burns you." Feels apropos to my sitch, probably to yours as well.
She's 41. What I said is if I had known pre-D filing I could have prevented the D filing. I was putting a lot of pressure on her to make up her mind which did not help. Her MLC would have happened anyway, her problem not mine to solve.
More than patience I am focusing on my own acceptance of the situation and letting go of control. Knowing I am helpless to do anything helps more than anything
This is why we push no pressure. No one likes limbo, obviously. But limbo is a gift of time. Time for the WAS to figure out their stuff. Time for the LBS to improve, make self-improvements, to focus on themselves and their kids. Time to become the spouse only a fool would leave. Time to let the open wounds that led to BD, rest and heal.
"if I had known pre-D filing I could have prevented the D filing" then you said "I am focusing on my own acceptance of the situation and letting go of control"
MLCxH, one of the most important things in DBing is to be consistent. Be consistent in action. Be consistent in principle. Be consistent in thinking.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
