So I sent W the message about me feeling dismissed and disrespected and that if that behavior continues will put an end to the conversation. I told her that cornering me at little league was wrong and if it happens again I will walk away.
She replied that she isn’t mad and will wait for me to initiate communications once I’m feeling better. In Talking about divorce at little league that was what I wanted, more inperson communications and she was just obliging what I wanted to be nice.
I’m confused, this is placing responsibility on me for communicating again. Her message to me did not in any way acknowledge my feelings or desire to improve communication between us. Total invalidation.
Previous me would have tried to get her to see it my way by repeating myself with emphasis on the things I think are important. That would not work but now I can actually see that.
I’m interested to hear some thoughts on handling this in a healthy way. My goal is good healthy communication. I feel like I’m hitting my head against a wall right now. This is likely because I’m still emotionally attached in every way. I really want the closure that will never come. She can affect my mood in every word. In person is especially hard. I want to ask so badly what the F she is thinking and how blowing up our family for selfish reasons is right in her mind. I won’t but I want to.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Does it ever get easier to drop the kids off? It’s so hard every stinking time.
I’m upset for the rest of the evening every time I got there to drop them off. So hard to let go.
W was all chatty about my family and how the weekend was. I didn’t engage her. Kept the answers short and to the point. They are fine. Niece is talking. Yes she is getting big.
Told me all about how good it will be to get the house gone through and for me to be happy to finally get my stuff from the house. It’s been almost 6 months now since I was restrained from going into my own home. I’m not even sure I care about my stuff anymore. It’s just stuff.
No consideration given to my boundary of not talking about this stuff until I feel like it. Just hugged the kids and left ASAP.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
I’m confused, this is placing responsibility on me for communicating again. Her message to me did not in any way acknowledge my feelings or desire to improve communication between us. Total invalidation.
Validation is a one-way street. It's something you do, not something you receive (unless you are very lucky). I validate coworkers, my boss, my girlfriend, my kids, my XW. I get a little bit of validation back now and then, it happens so rarely that I'm usually like "wow!" Validation is an unusual skill, so don't be surprised not to get it back because most people just don't know how.
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I’m interested to hear some thoughts on handling this in a healthy way. My goal is good healthy communication. I feel like I’m hitting my head against a wall right now. This is likely because I’m still emotionally attached in every way. I really want the closure that will never come. She can affect my mood in every word. In person is especially hard. I want to ask so badly what the F she is thinking and how blowing up our family for selfish reasons is right in her mind. I won’t but I want to.
Your goal for now should just be strictly business communications. Limit your discussions to the kids. Only discuss D or financial issues if absolutely necessary. Do not talk about anything else. Maybe in time, but for now keep away from all other subjects.
Also work on letting go of your need to know "why" this happened. You will never know, because she probably doesn't know either. She's acting on emotions and she can't explain her emotions. Neither can you, and neither can a college full of tenured psychologists. I understand how frustrating that is, believe me we ALL get it! We ALL want/ wanted to know "why". It wouldn't change anything to know, but I guess it's just human nature that we crave some kind of explanation.
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Does it ever get easier to drop the kids off? It’s so hard every stinking time.
It does, it takes a while but it'll become routine.
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W was all chatty about my family and how the weekend was. I didn’t engage her. Kept the answers short and to the point. They are fine. Niece is talking. Yes she is getting big.
I'm confused, this is placing responsibility on me for communicating again. Her message to me did not in any way acknowledge my feelings or desire to improve communication between us. Total invalidation.
Validation is a one-way street. It's something you do, not something you receive (unless you are very lucky). I validate coworkers, my boss, my girlfriend, my kids, my XW. I get a little bit of validation back now and then, it happens so rarely that I'm usually like "wow!" Validation is an unusual skill, so don't be surprised not to get it back because most people just don't know how.
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I'm interested to hear some thoughts on handling this in a healthy way. My goal is good healthy communication. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall right now. This is likely because I'm still emotionally attached in every way. I really want the closure that will never come. She can affect my mood in every word. In person is especially hard. I want to ask so badly what the F she is thinking and how blowing up our family for selfish reasons is right in her mind. I won't but I want to.
Your goal for now should just be strictly business communications. Limit your discussions to the kids. Only discuss D or financial issues if absolutely necessary. Do not talk about anything else. Maybe in time, but for now keep away from all other subjects.
Also work on letting go of your need to know "why" this happened. You will never know, because she probably doesn't know either. She's acting on emotions and she can't explain her emotions. Neither can you, and neither can a college full of tenured psychologists. I understand how frustrating that is, believe me we ALL get it! We ALL want/ wanted to know "why". It wouldn't change anything to know, but I guess it's just human nature that we crave some kind of explanation.
Validation is a one way street. That's a good way to put it. I am not necessarily looking for it to be returned from W, however I am aware of when someone does it now for me and for others. I'm paying attention now. I'd love to get some back from her. I know that wont happen though, because this is all about her. I can see how my statement would elude to my looking for validation, but that wasn't my intent.
The why is a thing I need to let go of. Its so hard for us analytical types. I cant fix things when I don't understand the cause of failure. I know its not my job to fix the marriage, and its not my job to fix her. I'm working on fixing myself, and I've seen that improvement. Hard to focus on just what I can control sometimes. I need to keep working on that aspect of my life.
I can't help this constant gut feeling I've got that this is about punishment of me in her mind. Once she feels she has proven her point and I'm shown who is in charge, she will stand down the assault. In my opinion, she doesn't want to simply get divorced, or she would be plowing forward and interested in getting the legal stuff done. She isn't at all interested in that end of it. W Says we can't rush through this in order to ensure we don't screw it up. I feel that when she is done punishing me for my past transgressions and her anger is satisfied, she will want to move forward as the one who was right and the one that deserves credit for giving our M another chance and fixing our relationship. This is the sweeping it under the rug portion that everyone says to watch out for.
I'm not sure I'm strong enough to make that decision for me right now. I would just say yes to R to get some semblance of normality and comfort back in my life, and I know that isn't the right answer from reading on here. I wasn't a good communicator in our marriage, but I know my W really well, and I know her behavior patterns like the back of my hand. Especially with all this time to think through things and analyze the past issues we have both contributed to. I could see the writing on the wall months ago that she was going to ask for all 3 of our homes in exchange for not taking part of my military retirement. She informally told me that she is going to ask for that exact thing 3 weeks ago.
Last edited by LB55; 05/28/1905:24 PM.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
A couple other strange things from last night in our short interaction while she was trying to talk with me.
1. She asked if I wanted to stay and see the dogs for a little bit. I really do, but I declined because I didn't want it to open an opportunity for her to start telling me what I did wrong for the umpteenth time. I wasn't in the mood to hear it nor to validate her feelings last night.
2. I sent her a picture I took of the kids hiking. She said that its ok for me to send pics of me doing things with the kids as well. I thought this strange as she took down all pictures of me anywhere they could be seen in the house. I can see in the windows when I drop the kids off and they are all gone. I only said I would think about it.
Do I send her things with me and the kids having a good time together? Not gifts, just pictures of us doing fun things. I just don't know why she would want that nor if i should do it. I want to visit the dogs, but I am thinking I should ask for it vice her springing it on me while I am unprepared mentally to stay the course. She has never offered me to see them since this whole thing started.
Last edited by LB55; 05/28/1905:45 PM.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
She asked if I wanted to stay and see the dogs for a little bit. I really do, but I declined because I didn't want it to open an opportunity for her to start telling me what I did wrong for the umpteenth time. I wasn't in the mood to hear it nor to validate her feelings last night.
That's weird but WAS's will do all kinds of weird things. Pull you in and push you away is the norm.
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Do I send her things with me and the kids having a good time together? Not gifts, just pictures of us doing fun things.
No, definitely not. She didn't say she WANTS you to, she's just saying if you do she won't freak out. Not the same thing. Post pics of you and the kids on FB, if she really wants to see you that bad she can go there and knock herself out.
AS nailed it. LB you seem to be hanging on everything she is saying and doing. Try to avoid that Detachment is not giving a crap.
I agree Steve, I am still working on the full detachment. I disagree that I hang on every word, but I do pay attention to what she is saying. I am working on active listening and being non-defensive in my listening, and that has to happen with her and others. It is a skill that i am improving to better myself, not to win her back. I can't actively listen if I don't give a crap about what she says. Others that do not necessarily know the details have noted that my communication skills are rapidly improving. I am engaging people in conversation and they are telling me their issues and I am listening, empathizing, and validating their feelings without injecting my opinions or solutions to their problems. I am happy with that progress.
I do need to stop trying to analyze how what she says affects me and our sitch; just being in her presence still affects me. If I am close enough to smell her scent my mind jumps back to the good days. It's almost like PTSD. One familiar thing takes you back to square one. Its a tough task and a tough road ahead. A few months ago she told me when little league practice was and kind of gave me a funny look. I didn't go because I was scared she was going to have a friend repo my truck. Irrational but very real at the time. I was so scared. She had taken away everything in one fell swoop. My whole life was blown up in an instant. I can't be around her for very long because of this.
I'm talking with my pastor later this week about forgiveness. I need to do that for me. I haven't yet but it needs to happen.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
She asked if I wanted to stay and see the dogs for a little bit. I really do, but I declined because I didn't want it to open an opportunity for her to start telling me what I did wrong for the umpteenth time. I wasn't in the mood to hear it nor to validate her feelings last night.
That's weird but WAS's will do all kinds of weird things. Pull you in and push you away is the norm.
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Do I send her things with me and the kids having a good time together? Not gifts, just pictures of us doing fun things.
No, definitely not. She didn't say she WANTS you to, she's just saying if you do she won't freak out. Not the same thing. Post pics of you and the kids on FB, if she really wants to see you that bad she can go there and knock herself out.
I always appreciate the perspective AS. You are right, she didn't say she wanted it, she just said it was ok.
I'm going to ask to see the dogs next time I drop the kids off. Its what I want after all.
She blocked me on FB, I will tell her the pics are available there. If she unblocks, then so be it.
Last edited by LB55; 05/28/1907:34 PM.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
