Hey LH, IHC and Neffer thanks for the replies, you guys are absolutely correct about this “family” trip to Disneyland being cake eating. I’ve done well so far about not doing family things with wife but this is a big fck up obviously. The trip was planned pretty last minute and I agreed to go after not enough thought and without talking to you guys on here unfortunately. I’ve already bought my hotel room and plane ticket so I’m going to be going haha. I am looking forward to being there with my Son but yeah I should have just taken him by myself some other time.
So I guess I will just try to enjoy myself on this sort of vacation haha. I plan on just focusing on my Son and not thinking too much about interactions with W. I know you guys are really against me going but if anyone has some pointers on dealing with my W during this cake eating trip it would be appreciated. Obviously I’m going to treat her like an amusement park worker and be friendly but brief.
IHC that’s so hypocritical of her to say it’s good your S is so young he won’t remember the state of your relationship but she still wants him to experience you guys acting as a family haha. It makes no sense. If she actually wanted son to have memories of you all as a family maybe she should have stuck around and worked through the problems. It just shows how up and down they can be. Almost seems like they have no clue what they want and there is no logic to their thought process.
Other than that GAL is going well. Still working our a lot. Gained to my weight goal that I have struggled reaching for the past two years. It’s interesting that this BD event that shakes up our lives can help us to improve in many other areas of our lives. Gotta look for the silver lining in this all. Making a lot of new friends and most days I’m feeling really good about things. Sure there’s a day here and there where I am angry/sad but they are becoming far less frequent.
Just want to briefly thank everyone on this forum. I was miserable around BD and if I hadn’t found this forum and DB, I have no doubt I would be far worse off than I am today. This forum is such a great resource to see that we are not alone and we are not the only ones going through this. Everything will be okay, R or not.
I’ve done well so far about not doing family things with wife but this is a big fck up obviously. The trip was planned pretty last minute and I agreed to go after not enough thought and without talking to you guys on here unfortunately. I’ve already bought my hotel room and plane ticket so I’m going to be going haha. I am looking forward to being there with my Son but yeah I should have just taken him by myself some other time.
Can you cancel the flight without penalty, like on Southwest Airlines? Or use the flight another time and pay a change fee? Can you cancel the hotel room or transfer it to another time when just you and S could go? You don't have to do this trip if you don't want to.
I went to Disney with my oldest when he was 3 and it was not much more than a very expensive photo session. I get your dilemma, that you don't want to miss the experience, but it is damn expensive for what you get even with older kids. Cost aside I think you are getting good advice from the vets to sit this one out.
Hey Gekko thanks for the advice, I possibly could have but it’s too late now I am here haha. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go just that I didn’t really want to go with W. I fckin love Disney land and have had fun so far. Feeling pretty detached so I feel like I’ve been able to be here without problem. Sure it’s cake eating by my W but I’m enjoying myself and not worrying about our interactions so whatever.
I’ll do an update on the first day of the trip. In the airport W asked me to get a drink with her. I agreed. While we were sitting she saw a mark on my neck and was convinced it was a hickey. She didn’t get straight batshit crazy but she started questioning me loudly at this very public place. The barrage included “who are you dating. Is it a girlfriend or something casual? Is it one person or multiple?” And so on. To this I replied. “We are in public and I’m not having this conversation right now.” As she continued I said “I’m not discussing my personal life with you.”
She wasn’t happy with me denying her information on my personal life and gave me the silent treatment the rest of the night. Fine by me. When we arrived, I immediately went out and did some GAL, even made a few friends while out and about.
Today at Disney Land was fine. I could tell that W was pissed and her mind was racing about if I had a girlfriend or whatever. But I’m at the point where I don’t really care. I focused on my S and had a good time.
Throughout the day there were three separate occasions where W started interrogation about my personal life. Many of the same questions as before but this time ramped up with “I know you’re dating one of my friends”. I denied but it was like she was convinced I was. So weird and I dont know why she is so certain that I’m dating her friend. She also started saying “I deserve to know what’s going on in your life, we have a kid together.” I replied that “you do not deserve to know what’s going on in my life because we aren’t together anymore.”
It got pretty crazy at one point. Whenever she would question me I just started replying, I’m not talking about this with you. Eventually she said “I’m going to post a picture of you and me together on Instagram and see how your girlfriend likes that.” Totally crazy haha.
There was a lot of sexual tension it felt like and W was definitely pursuing me, touching me many times throughout the day. There was some flirting on both sides. She kept this front up that she didn’t want anything to do with me but her actions were far the opposite.
More later as the trip isn’t over yet but I’ve felt pretty good so far. Been real positive and am enjoying the extra time with my son. Getting better at detaching too I guess. Thanks
Welp prepare the 2x4s lol. So the trips over, I’m home now. Lots of developments last night.
So in the evening W asked me to get a drink with her and go on some rides. 2x4 incoming I know I should have declined but idk I felt like it. So we go get some drinks and pretty quick she dives into R talk. Another 2x4 I know I should shut these R talks down but when I have alcohol in me my DBing goes out the window lol. Anyway she dives back into who are you dating, is it serious, is it one person or multiple people yada yada. It was a long talk and at one point she said “well if it’s serious then we should just divorce”. Idk if she is making things up or not but according to her, her texting me pictures of our son and asking me to stop by her classroom when I pick son up are her ways of trying to reconnect with me. She made a point that I wasn’t even trying due to my brief replies and such. I know that is the DB way but maybe I need to try being less brief with her?
So yeah I didn’t give her a straight up answer about my personal life and I reinforced it wasn’t her business any longer. We ended up leaving and then going souvenir shopping which was weird because after such a serious R talk the mood went back to playful and there was a lot of flirting. We have a really great banter I would call it and it was just like old times oddly enough.
We went on some rides and W was showed a lot of pursuit. We held hands multiple times which hasn’t happened since god knows when. Hit me with those 2x4s I’m ready lol. After some rides we decided to go get another drink. Once again W dove into R talk. This time it was all about my failures and such in the relationship. At one point she said “it was a lot of little things”. To which I replied “I don’t think it’s right to leave someone over little things”. I really hope this next part was just her seeing the whole R as negative because if it was reality I would feel terrible: she said that over the 8 odd years we were together she never felt loved. She felt that I always just settled for her because she was there and it was convenient. This hurt me a lot because that wasn’t my intention at all but currently that’s her perception of our whole R which s*cks..
After R talk we started heading back to our hotel (separate rooms). We went out the wrong entrance and ended up like a 30 minute walk from our hotel lol. We joked and flirted the whole way back. More hand holding and piggy backing. I know I know force feeding her cake and what not. We got back to the hotel and I asked if she wanted to come to my room for a few. She agreed. We had s*x for the first time in probably 4 months.
This morning she told me “nothing happened” in regards to us having s*x. A bit more flirting on the trip home. Pretty pleasant for the most part. She also mentioned that I shouldn’t get any ideas about what happened. She’s playing it off like she didn’t want to do that but it’s pretty clear with all the flirting and jealousy over my possible girlfriend that she was pursuing me.
Our interactions were ok. I tried to make it clear that I’m not a back up plan and that I’m moving on with my life. I think this is why she started pursuing so hard. Not really sure where to go from here but if she was being truthful then maybe I need to try being less brief with her? Ok ready for the 2x4s.
So I’m struggling right now. Part of me thinks I should pull way back and not reply to her texts or anything. But then on our trip W mentioned that she had been trying to reconnect with me through texting pictures of our S and stuff like that. She had the impression that my short replies were rude even if I didn’t intend for them to be rude. So yeah not sure if I should be a little more conversational with her. My distancing in our R was a complaint of hers so idk I don’t feel that going less contact is for the best. But it still doesn’t seem like she has any intention of working on the R so yeah here we are.
Right now you’re plan b even though you keep saying you’re not. As long as you keep feeding her cake this is the dance you’re to keep doing.
You went on the trip and solidified your plan b status and now you are paying the consequences of it. DB is hard and until you determine that you value yourself too much to put up with this bs, unfortunately you’re going to suffer.
Hey thanks LH, Yeah I guess you’re right. Idk it just feels hard because of my distance during the R I feel that I have to show a 180 of that. So yeah it’s like I want to show her I can be emotionally available. But at the same time it doesn’t matter to her anymore. Yeah I think that her actions showed that she was worried about losing her plan b when she thought I had a girlfriend. Need to step back more I think.
One thing that can be helpful is to go back and re-read your own thread in its entirety. Pay attention to your own posts and how many times you have acknowledged that W is eating cake. You've been feeding her a lot of cake, none more than the Disney trip where she probably developed diabetes from all the cake you fed her there.
I would also pay special attention to the vets posts, in particular LH's posts on your thread. Just read what LH has been saying.
You have the ability to be a great DBer. First you have to close down your cake bakery.
But then on our trip W mentioned that she had been trying to reconnect with me through texting pictures of our S and stuff like that.
H, does that sound like good, solid, quality reconnecting there? Or just more WAS spew? I know what I think
Quote
She had the impression that my short replies were rude even if I didn’t intend for them to be rude. So yeah not sure if I should be a little more conversational with her.
I would continue to keep it brief. Send her a message (through your actions) that you're not here to comply with whatever crazy terms of engagement she thinks are suitable. You do your thing and leave her to her mess.
