That is driving this whole sitch towards D. It has driven her out of loving me, and has driven her towards feeling that she needs safety and security by leaving me.
I understand how I have contributed to her fears. And I also understand how some of the fears which I think are unfounded are... well... I cannot argue against them. For instance, I'm *not* financially controlling, but I can see how once an environment of fear is established that it is easy for other issues to arise as well.
Primary instigators of Fear: - I pressured her for intimacy and affection. - I freaked out when I did not have reassurance of our relationship - letters, pulling over the car - I did not support her career restarting as much as I could have -> fear of loss of control of her life
She is afraid to even talk to me 1:1 now about anything serious.
And frankly, once that fear is established, even if I could calm her fears, she would still have that betrayal of trust in her heart.
Ok so this is stream of consciousness while I'm thinking out loud...
Agreed on those points. But I think there is more involved. You need opportunities to repair.
MC is one opportunity.
Last night I felt relieved that we would go to MC soon, because I had hope for reconciling our M.
This morning I felt terrified, realizing that MC is more than likely the beginning of the end of our M.
This afternoon I feel... relieved again. I'm thinking that whether we end up M'd or D'd, MC is an opportunity to improve our R. Which will be important for our kids regardless. Not talking, having this fear and lack of trust, is absolutely unhealthy for all parties involved.
I can't control the outcome of our M -- but I can at least do my part to address the underlying issues that are preventing us from communicating.
Maybe focusing on my W's fear and lack of trust is helping me let go of the rope a bit too -- because those seem like truly unresolvable issues at the moment.
U - I feel for you man, I really do. In some ways I am better off because I know what W thinks, in many others I am worse off because I know what W thinks.
I know it's difficult, but try to let go of expectations. Try to find peace with yourself and realize that while you were partially responsible for the MR, there are 2 people in a MR and making yourself a martyr for the cause, while chivalrous, will not save your MR.
If it were me I would tell W that I am cancelling MC session because I feel it would be counterproductive, and am instead going for IC. But if you are still on board with this MC session, try to do a lot more listening than talking.
The most productive thing I can do, which ignores outcomes, is to go to MC and work on communication with my W. Whether we stay together or not, we should do this for our kids. That is my stance. Better than limbo where our communication is terrible.
The most productive thing I can do, which ignores outcomes, is to go to MC and work on communication with my W. Whether we stay together or not, we should do this for our kids. That is my stance. Better than limbo where our communication is terrible.
Point taken. You have to do what you feel is best. I'm not here to judge. Just help with advice based on.my situation
Just know that limbo doesnt end after BD. Without knowing it I've been in limbo since the end of 2016. I just became aware of it 9 months ago.
IW - can you remind me about the details of your prolonged limbo?
I appreciate your advice and wasn’t intending to sound like I’m shooting you down. I feel like my sitch has been in limbo since fall of 2018, I realized it March of this year. I’m 99.99% sure we will be proceeding with D within the first few MC sessions. My W is not one to waffle nor do I expect DBing to make a difference in the outcome of our M. In my state D can take up to 18 months so I guess that is a sort of limbo.
IW - can you remind me about the details of your prolonged limbo?
I appreciate your advice and wasn’t intending to sound like I’m shooting you down. I feel like my sitch has been in limbo since fall of 2018, I realized it March of this year. I’m 99.99% sure we will be proceeding with D within the first few MC sessions. My W is not one to waffle nor do I expect DBing to make a difference in the outcome of our M. In my state D can take up to 18 months so I guess that is a sort of limbo.
No problem, U - no offense taken. Context is hard to convey by text sometimes. All good
When I first found DB I thought the BD had been sudden. It occurred 3 months ago, but in reality things had deteriorated rapidly in Sep of 2018. Within a 3 week period, our R fell apart. No PA or EA. Possible IA but that's not confirmed. I was shell shocked. Lots of fights happened, when there had rarely been any previously in the R. Communication ceased almost completely for over 4 months. I took a trip and when I came back I got the full BD, two days after i found this site.
After reading through the resources here, talking/arguing with W in verbal fights, and spending time thinking about things, I am now understanding through hindsight that signs of the MLC began appearing abt 2.5 yrs ago. W was terrified to say anything. Still doesnt want to talk, still in very depressed state, and very much questioning her decision.
My W is also not a waffler, so this, combined with her telling me she doesnt know what shes feeling, when it was all black and white before, has prolonged the limbo. My discovery and implementation of DB also seems to have paused the process of physical separation, or slowed it down a great deal. So I guess that has extended the limbo.
Also Ws character is still in there somewhere. I think at her core she knows my issues are not enough to cause a D. This is where distance comes in, I think, because it gives her time to ponder without me getting in the way.
U - please try not to have expectations. What happens, happens. You can only worry about your own actions. W will do what W wants or feels she needs to do. That's limbo, true, but it's also everyday life. We choose to be with our partners every day. If shes still in the house with you she has not decided yet. That's a positive way to think about it.
I dont know if you believe in it or not, but I'm a firm believer in "what you think about you bring about." Try to stay positive, try to be grateful for what you have.
This may work or may not. But I will be ok either way and so will you.
