Why does she go from hard stonewalling and bitter to very conversational and telling me about her day one moment to the next.
And when I say it was sudden bomb drop of I’m not in love with you any more I mean sudden. Like the week before she was sending me texts at work full of I love yous and hearts. One week later. Her exact words are “ I would be less miserable without you”.
The hard part is I don’t even know where I stand with her
Why does she go from hard stonewalling and bitter to very conversational and telling me about her day one moment to the next.
And when I say it was sudden bomb drop of I’m not in love with you any more I mean sudden. Like the week before she was sending me texts at work full of I love yous and hearts. One week later. Her exact words are “ I would be less miserable without you”.
The hard part is I don’t even know where I stand with her
This is why you need to detach. The walkaway mindset is a hard one for rational, logical humans to understand. Remember, she is controlled by emotion right now. So one moment is content, happy to be in a MR etc. The next she feels stifled, suffocated, and like a trapped rat. YOU CANNOT CONTROL THIS.
So stop trying to know where you stand with her. Learn to know where you stand with her. GAL. 180 on bad behavior (not for you but you!), and detach. Did you read the links I sent you?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We have been doing this stonewalling being nice flopping for a couple weeks now.
What I don’t know is does she want to separate or not.
I feel like I should ask her so that way I know where to start
Rule #1 of DBing....do not initiate R talks.
Rule #2 of DBing....if she initiates an R talk, listen and validate (see validation thread).
Rule #3 of DBing....DO NOT give up the marital home or MBR. If she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed, then she sleeps in another room. If she wants to separate then she finds a new place to live.
ozman, I am seeing some very strong Nice Guy Syndrome tendencies with you. Please study what that is, and consider reading the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey Oz, have you read DR yet? Do get it as we use a lot of shorthand here that refers back to DR (like GAL = "get a life").
Originally Posted by ozman
Why does she go from hard stonewalling and bitter to very conversational and telling me about her day one moment to the next.
One of the hardest things for new people here to grasp is that there are no good explanations that will help you understand why she says/ does certain things. She's going to do things that seem inconsistent, confusing and nonsensical. The best reason we can offer is that she is confused and has a lot of internal turmoil going on right now. Imagine there's a storm inside her head, stuff is getting tossed about and when she opens her mouth things come flying out of that storm. It's like trying to explain the unexplainable. No matter how calm and sure and confident she looks on the outside, inside is another story.
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And when I say it was sudden bomb drop of I’m not in love with you any more I mean sudden. Like the week before she was sending me texts at work full of I love yous and hearts. One week later. Her exact words are “ I would be less miserable without you”.
That's not at all unusual. She's probably been unhappy for a while, a lot of WAS's go through a phase before BD where they are trying that "fake it 'til you make it" stuff. They're trying to put on a happy face and trying to like their husband and their M. But ultimately it doesn't work, they drop the bomb, and they also drop the illusion of being happy.
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The hard part is I don’t even know where I stand with her
Where you stand right now, right this second is she is done with you. She doesn't like you and may even find your presence repulsive. The ONLY way you can combat that is to pull back and give her loads of time and space. Remove all pressure, very important. Leave her alone, work on yourself. DO NOT ask about the M, or what she's thinking, or what the future is. Remove all pressure and she will probably put things in a holding pattern until she sorts out how she feels. With lots and lots of time she may very well change her mind. You've got to be very patient!
But I don’t even know why she is unhappy!!! Shouldn’t I ask her?!?
Do you like getting kicked in jewels?
If so, ask away. But trust me, that conversation WILL not go the way you want it to.
WASs will rewrite the entire history of your relationship. Something like:
"I never loved you. I was never happy. Even when we were dating. I just thought you were a good guy and that I could learn to be happy and love you. For all X years we were together I tried, and I am just done trying. I don't want to argue about it. I do not want to discuss it. I do not want to give you false hope. I just want to D, and go our separate ways."
We've all heard a variation of that.
My advice, let it lie, take our advice and pull back, give her space. No pursuit. No pressure. GAL, Detach. 180.
Become the best ozman you can be, not for her....for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
