If yes, then stop being a doormat. However, not being a doormat is more than just words. It is action. For instance, if she is in an active affair, you MOVE her out of the MBR. That means while she is out you move all of her stuff to another room. When she protests you explain you won't share the MBR with a cheater. And then listen and validate. If she gets disrespectful you shutdown the converation: "I understand you are upset. However, I will not be talked to this way." Then walkaway. Go into the MBR and lock the door.
ACTION. Not words.
You are not at the point of LRT. LRT is for couples that have separated. In that case you go dark on her, do not initiate contact. Your sitch is much like mine was. So you just back off, give her space. Do not initate R talks. No pursuit. No pressure.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My brother pasted away. That hurt. My wife divorced me. That hurt more. My brother died by an accident. My wife chose to divorce me.
We all have repressed emotions and pain. Now is your time to deal with it and release it. Do not release it in your wife's presence. Get into Individual Counceling ASAP.
What is going on has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. I am sure you do not believe me. Trust me.
For example, you have a bad habit. Your wife has a bad habit. Can you stop your W from doing her habit? Can you stop yourself from doing your habit? Which is easier? Changing your behavior or someone else's? Focus on making changes to YOU, not her. Change your behaviors. Change the way you interact.
Focus on your personal growth.
I wish you well.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So Steve85 how do I act around her then. I’m lost. I shouldn’t confront her about the R. But I shouldn’t be using LRT. What SHOULD I be doing. I have hardly any friends. Most are her family members. I can’t afford to go do anything. I can’t afford a coach on here.
I don’t know how to behave at all around her. I’m in an area between talking it out and LRT and I have no idea what to do
Ready to change I can’t afford IC
Last edited by Cadet; 06/25/1902:32 PM. Reason: combine posts
You should be doing something that gets you out of the house.
Go for a walk. Go sit at the beach and smell the air. Go to a park and read some DR. Breathe in deeply. Exhale slowly. Volunteer an hour at the humane society. Volunteer at a homeless kitchen. Volunteer at the local food bank. Go to church and speak with a minister. Total cost. $0.
You hardly have any friends. That isn't no friends. Make a plan to do something with them over the weekend for a couple hours.
Do ONE THING this weekend that YOU want to do. Not what you think she wants you to do. Doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. Don't go on a drinking binge. Don't start a relationship talk. Don't ask why. Or do, its your choice. The consequences have already been posted above. Swift kick in the nuts.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
And I also DO have to say when and where. We have a special needs child that can’t ever be left alone. That’s part of the problem. I would go do my thing and leave her with the kid
And I also DO have to say when and where. We have a special needs child that can’t ever be left alone. That’s part of the problem. I would go do my thing and leave her with the kid
Do you give her time to go do her thing? Is it equal "me" time?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It’a great that you’re in a great place! What is your ex wife doing now?
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by ozman
Ok. Is it normal for it to hurt this bad? To not be able to focus on work? I’m 2 months in to a new job and a new city and I feel like the wind is knocked out of me but it wont come back
100% absolutely, completely normal. I am an architect so lots of time sitting at a desk. I couldn't sit, fight-or-flight would kick in and I had to get up. Sometimes I walked down the hall and back. Sometimes I went down to the first floor and walked around the building. It was horrible, couldn't think, didn't want to eat, couldn't focus. If you continue to have trouble then go talk to your doc. I finally did that and he prescribed anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety drug. I only took the anti-anxiety pill if that fight-or-flight thing hit me and it really worked. It would calm me down and allow me to focus. The anti-depressants took a couple of weeks to kick in but once they did I felt much more like my old self. What's happening to you is a chemical imbalance, it will eventually resolve but it can take a while. Medication does help if you need to get back on track sooner.
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But the most important to me is. Do these ever have happy endings?
Yes, they always do. Some reconcile and some don't, but everyone eventually gets back to a happy place. I was totally gutted like you, thought I would die if I didn't get my XW back. Now I don't want her back. I didn't choose to live without her, she chose that, but I made the best of it. I have an awesome relationship with my kids, my career is great, I love my home, my finances are in order, and I have a beautiful girlfriend that showers me with attention and affection. Whether you reconcile or not eventually you will be a success story. But there's hell to go through before that, so strap in!
