So I established in my mind that I did exhibit aholish behavior in my M, hence my prior thread titles. Through IC and plenty of talks with family and friends, I also established that I was for the most part reacting to excessively harsh criticism, remarks and controlling efforts from the W. So apparently my responsive defensiveness and stonewalling was textbook Behavioral Science 101. Doesn't mean that behavior was good for the R - it wasn't, and there are better ways that I have now learned - but it does offer comfort that no, I'm really not a jerk. I was just a guy with a strong frame and boundaries when it comes to respect and defended those boundaries forcefully. Which is not to fully justify all of my behavior or say that I have zero responsibility. Explanation, not justification.
So I'm done calling myself out for jerkish behavior, I know what happened I was there, and I almost done making peace with it. I am feeling the pull of a transition away from analyzing the M and its problems and who is to blame and why and so on, a pull in the direction forward not backward, on looking at the chart in front of me and picking my course, eyeing the hazards and also the sights I want to experience on the journey. I think I am feeling this pull more strongly now that I am closing in on a new home and the space that I will have from W. I see silver linings sparkling in the sun on the horizon. I don't know where things are going to end up but I am looking forward to the journey, even with its hardships, bring it on, life is beautiful.
Hey Gekko, really glad to hear you don’t blame yourself anymore. I always see vets saying that we could be the perfect H and still get BDed. I think a ton of LBS blame themselves for the downfall of the M when their WAW has a ton of issues that contributed too. They love to shift blame, when I feel that often times behaviors LBS exhibit are in response to a bad behavior of their W. For me it was distancing. My W was highly anxious and was constantly trying to be controlling. I didn’t put up with it and after years of me running from her control she blames me for not giving her enough attention. Sure how I reacted wasn’t a healthy way to deal, but it was still a reaction to a behavior of hers. I guess all we can do is look inward and learn how to deal with these behaviors in a different fashion. Keep it up Gekko!
glad to see you healing Gekko. No husband is perfect. The sad thing is even if you were perfect, W would have rewritten history to find something wrong.
I am starting to feel the same way as I detach more. I did a lot of things wrong after BD because I did not know about DB. But they came from a good place and I was trying to be a good husband. If showing her I cared about the MR pushed her away, should I really blame myself? If pressuring her to make a decision whether she wanted to stay married to me instead of living in limbo hell pushed her away, should I blame myself? Is it so bad to expect my partner to do the basic duties of a W instead of blaming me and expecting perfection? Looking back I would have done things differently after BD and could have saved my MR but hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back I would have also bought Apple stock 15 years ago There is no winning with a WAW or WW. I tolerates her bad behavior and she still chose to end the MR. Is that really my fault?
Thanks guys. The affirmation regarding W's attitude issues and harshness just keeps coming, first it was from her family, and now that D is underway my friends and family are chiming in, and even mutual friends are making unsolicited comments. Honestly even though I have known for years about her issues it still hits me hard every time another comment about her personality is made. On the one hand it helps to confirm that i'm really not the bad guy here, I was just reacting to her harsh behavior. On the other hand it makes me think "WTF did I do getting in so deep with this chick" and I want to withdraw even further from her, and this makes it difficult to be friendly. I have been facing an enormous challenge to be nice to her due to how I was treated. I'm not nasty to her, but nice isn't the word to describe it either. Cordial? Kind of. Businesslike? Probably most accurate.
If not for the kids I would have at least separated and possibly D'd her years ago. The desire of keeping a family intact is so strong in me, I couldn't do it. Maybe me taking action then would have been the wakeup call W's needs to realize how destructive her attitude is to a R. Maybe things would be different now. Who knows. I am just journaling here in the moment, IRL I don't spend much time with "what if's". I am focused on playing the cards in my hand now. I am balancing living in the moment with keeping an eye on the road ahead.
Tom Hanks in Castaway said "I got to keep breathing. Because tomorrow, the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?" I always liked that line, and now that i'm in my sitch even more so.
, I also established that I was for the most part reacting to excessively harsh criticism, remarks and controlling efforts from the W.
The way I look at things now:
Each interaction is a chance to learn something. A new way to listen, understand, respond or whatever. Each relationship is an opportunity to grow. As long as we do our best and not keep repeating bad behavior, we are on the right path.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If not for the kids I would have at least separated and possibly D'd her years ago. The desire of keeping a family intact is so strong in me, I couldn't do it.
Ain't that the truth? It is also the reason I am still willing to take her back. One thing I find interesting is how time and space works. The point of DB is that the WAW will come back to her senses with time and space and realize what they were missing in the MR. On the other hand time and space makes the LBS realize what they were putting up with in the MR for the sake of keeping the family together
, I also established that I was for the most part reacting to excessively harsh criticism, remarks and controlling efforts from the W.
The way I look at things now:
Each interaction is a chance to learn something. A new way to listen, understand, respond or whatever. Each relationship is an opportunity to grow. As long as we do our best and not keep repeating bad behavior, we are on the right path.
It is a never-ending process of self-improvement, isn't it?
I feel like I have made more progress since BD than during my entire R with W. I'm guessing that is not an uncommon sentiment....
If not for the kids I would have at least separated and possibly D'd her years ago. The desire of keeping a family intact is so strong in me, I couldn't do it.
Ain't that the truth? It is also the reason I am still willing to take her back. One thing I find interesting is how time and space works. The point of DB is that the WAW will come back to her senses with time and space and realize what they were missing in the MR. On the other hand time and space makes the LBS realize what they were putting up with in the MR for the sake of keeping the family together
Time and Space. These elements have played huge roles in all of my significant R's prior to getting M. Thinking back about it, the R's in my life all read like script now when it comes to the impact of Time and Space, whether I was the dumper or the dumpee. I have been thinking about posting about these R's to journal and maybe illustrate that these 2 elements are so powerful.
My first real R was from age 19-22. My girlfriend was a knockout and the R was fiery and passionate. The intense love of teenagers. We talked M and babies and a life together. My 2 best friends were ready to tie me up and sit on me to stop me from buying a ring at age 20. I was mad about this girl.
So a few years went by and I was doing the college thing, living on campus, and she was living with a relative and trying to get into the fashion industry. She had no interest in college. I got deeper and deeper into campus life and it started to become apparent to me that we were moving in different directions with our lives. I saw it, felt it, and wanted out and to be free and do the college thing to the hilt. I broke up with her and broke her heart, she still saw us together forever.
I fell off the face of the earth, didn't contact her at all, until one day about 6 months after I dumped her I ran into her at a gas station near campus. She looked incredible. Old feelings started to creep back. We caught up a little and as it turned out we still had a few items of each others, so we agreed to meet up a few days later at her place to do an exchange.
In the days before the meet-up at her place, my feelings for her continued to come to the surface and I wanted to give the R another shot. Maybe I made a bad call in breaking up with her. We had a lot of history and most of it was great. So I'm headed to her house to apologize, lay my feelings on the line, and get her back. The Time and Space from her cleared my head, and when I saw her and talked to her again the feelings were right there.
So we met up and I made my heartfelt pitch, and she said no. Not interested in a R with me. Said she had cried for months and hoped for recon but she was done crying and had moved on. She was dating a guy and was into him and wanted to see where it went. (she ended up marrying him....then D'ing sometime later...) So it was my turn to be crushed. I had her, and I let her go. I blew it. I was the dumper coming back for another shot, and she was the dumpee who had already moved on by then. Time and Space at work.
I have a phone call set with my L tomorrow to discuss what looks like a final version of a short separation agreement - key points are 50/50 custody and division of finances. W has not wavered an inch on proceeding with the D process. We have a court date in September where D may be finalized if we can get to an agreement on all the fine points.
Things appear on track for me to take possession of my new house later this month. I know 5 families on the street and there are lots of kids. It's one of those neighborhoods that the kids all run back and forth between each other's houses after school and on the weekends. Like the street I grew up on, very very fun. My kids are still handling the pending split like champs, but I am watching them closely for signs of problems. It will be more difficult when reality of two houses hits but I will do my best to support them through the process. I love them so much.
As for me I remain very business-like with W, only discussing logistics. I am otherwise BUSY BUSY BUSY as Steve85 would say. I find that the less interaction we have, the less opportunity for her to lob a snide comment or criticism at me. I am not going to miss that shyt, though from time to time she will try and get her shots in even after D, LOL.
I feel like I am becoming a better man and person as I go through this process. The sitch is not bringing me down, it's lifting me up. Sounds crazy but it's true. I'm still a work in progress and always will be, but I feel pretty good these days. I had an awesome life before I met W and will have an awesome life after D. I am lucky to have an incredible family and group of friends and I have built a great life over the years. And my kids are amazing. I am blessed, to be honest. I'm sad about the M but I do deserve better. I could have handled some things better myself, but I do deserve better than what W has given me. And I want to give someone the better me when the time comes.
There is no winning with a WAW or WW. I tolerates her bad behavior and she still chose to end the MR. Is that really my fault?