Midlife wife crisis8

[AnotherStander]

AS, do you mean she didn't want to be married to you or just married in general? Did she ever remarry? Did she get into other relationships?

Good question but I don't really know the answer. She definitely didn't want to be married to me anymore but I am not sure if she meant just in general she didn't want to be married, or if just to me. She did not remarry, she did have some kind of R with an OM (during BD, S and D) that she claimed was just a friend but I don't know how far that went. They may very well have just been friends, I suspect it was more but don't know. She was trying online dating for a while too. She was fairly open about it after we got divorced, I never asked but she would talk about it sometimes. She hasn't mentioned anything like that in years though, and when she travels she goes with a female friend of hers so as far as I know she's not seeing anyone or dating.

I ask these questions because my wife has hinted that she just doesn't like the institution of marriage. I think she resents the expectations and responsibilities that come with it. I personally feel that once you have married and had three kids its too late to go back and incredibly selfish, but I think that is what she is struggling with.

After BD I read a lot about menopause because my XW was going through it at the time. Menopause doesn't affect all women the same, but apparently it's not uncommon for a woman going through it to feel like she's been a wife and mom forever and now she wants some "me" time. How old is your W? I see in your signature you've been together 27 years, that would definitely put her right in the middle of menopause age.

[Wolfman]

Tosmile. Thank you for that. I know the people on here are trying to help me. And see things differently from an outside perspective. I just struggle. I was one of those nice guys who got blind sided. And I just tried so hard to fix things. And I get stuck in thinking about the past, and all the vacations we went on and the good times. For me the loss is very overwhelming, I know that if I can let go of the past, that my w is not the same person I will be better. But my mind is constantly bribing me back and thinking how could she be this upset to want d. I know she sees things differently than I do and in her mind she just wants out from this pain. She is a “runner”. She runs from problems, responsibility, relationships. Since the 19 years we have been together anytime there is a problem she wants to get away from the problem not fix it. We are away right now for my sons hip hop competition. Evidently the kids gave her a hard time in the morning all she kept saying was she needed to get away. So she ran to Starbucks for 45 minutes. Then out to dinner with some of the dance moms without our kids. Look I get it, we need a break from our kids once in a while, but that is always her answer. She has cut out so many friends from our life. She has cut out her own family for problems. She thinks that by eliminating the problem it will go away and her life will get better. Now she is doing that to me. She has never stopped to tho k that maybe the problem is her. She doesn’t get along with half her co-workers. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, that eventually I would be on the “chopping block”. A lot of he dance moms she doesn’t get along with either. The list goes on and on.

Here is the other thing. As I talk about all my w negative qualities it makes me wonder why am I hurting so much? Why would I want to be married to a person like this? I deserve better than someone who can’t handle life. A woman who does not know how to forgive. I think if I focus on these things it will be easier for me to drop the rope.

[Ready2Change]

Wolf,

How many woman are you currently interacting with?

(Yes this is a loaded question)

[Wolfman]

I am currently interacting with 2 women at the time.

[ToSmile]

Wolf,

To the first part of your reply, it is because you are still very attached to her.

And my reply to the second part of your post, will also address the first part.

Collecting from what you described about your wife, she is a person who is very self-entitled. This is made worst by enabling parents and also you, that had enabled her too during the marriage by being the husband you claimed to be. Entitled people feels like the world owes it to them, and for a lady, she would behave like a damsel in distress, most if not all the time. The way they handle most things will be projection and blaming others. It is always others, but never their fault. And they cannot come to accept its their fault because, it will overturn any beliefs they have and their value system.

Such personality always looks for someone to "Rescue" them. The knight in shinning armor that will come to get their assess out of messes and shelter them against any of their displeasure, and be at their disposal. At first, they would be nice and sweet and submissive to the knight because, they view them as their savior. And most guys by nature, likes to take up this role to protect the Damsel. Overtime, the knight will keep giving in more and more, as he feel its just natural for him to do so and the Damsel will just keep receiving and receiving, taking everything for granted and how it should be. Slowly and surely, the respect that the Damsel will have for the knight erodes and overtime, he slides to the level of a servant because mostly, he will just give in to please the damsel and fulfill the family man role, putting himself the last.

At this juncture, the servant whom supposed to be the dearest and closest person to the Damsel, also becomes the punch bag for the damsel. For the efforts he put in that used to draw much appreciation previously is now expected for by the Damsel while for anything that goes wrong, its his fault. The servant will keep giving and giving while the Damsel will just receiving until one day, be it any reason that the Damsel may not be satisfied with her life, she'll drop the bomb and it's all, the servant's fault that caused her for such a wreck life she has.

But the poor servant has been wondering what has he done wrong? He had been loyal, committed, putting in all he can for the Damsel and she was happy. But does it turns out this way? Well that is because the Servant did not make his stand. And the servant himself had been so used to be giving always he continues to give, thinking that is the way to turn things around but this only lapse into the vicious cycle of eroding the respect further than what he has remain.

So what do you think the servant should do now?

[Ready2Change]

I am currently interacting with 2 women at the time.

Are you practicing new skills with them?

[IHCLACS]

Wolf,

To the first part of your reply, it is because you are still very attached to her.

And my reply to the second part of your post, will also address the first part.

Collecting from what you described about your wife, she is a person who is very self-entitled. This is made worst by enabling parents and also you, that had enabled her too during the marriage by being the husband you claimed to be. Entitled people feels like the world owes it to them, and for a lady, she would behave like a damsel in distress, most if not all the time. The way they handle most things will be projection and blaming others. It is always others, but never their fault. And they cannot come to accept its their fault because, it will overturn any beliefs they have and their value system.

Such personality always looks for someone to "Rescue" them. The knight in shinning armor that will come to get their assess out of messes and shelter them against any of their displeasure, and be at their disposal. At first, they would be nice and sweet and submissive to the knight because, they view them as their savior. And most guys by nature, likes to take up this role to protect the Damsel. Overtime, the knight will keep giving in more and more, as he feel its just natural for him to do so and the Damsel will just keep receiving and receiving, taking everything for granted and how it should be. Slowly and surely, the respect that the Damsel will have for the knight erodes and overtime, he slides to the level of a servant because mostly, he will just give in to please the damsel and fulfill the family man role, putting himself the last.

At this juncture, the servant whom supposed to be the dearest and closest person to the Damsel, also becomes the punch bag for the damsel. For the efforts he put in that used to draw much appreciation previously is now expected for by the Damsel while for anything that goes wrong, its his fault. The servant will keep giving and giving while the Damsel will just receiving until one day, be it any reason that the Damsel may not be satisfied with her life, she'll drop the bomb and it's all, the servant's fault that caused her for such a wreck life she has.

But the poor servant has been wondering what has he done wrong? He had been loyal, committed, putting in all he can for the Damsel and she was happy. But does it turns out this way? Well that is because the Servant did not make his stand. And the servant himself had been so used to be giving always he continues to give, thinking that is the way to turn things around but this only lapse into the vicious cycle of eroding the respect further than what he has remain.

So what do you think the servant should do now?

Take back his life, his independence, be more assertive and direct, and never ever give anything or any part of himself away again for free. Unless he gives without covert contracts or condition. Always be assessing what you are giving and getting in return.

[Wolfman]

ToSmile what you wrote is my story I was that knight in shining armor to start and I needed up a servant that winds up getting kicked to the curb. Very sad how this happened. She acted like an entitled teenager the last year. As I did more I was told I was not doing enough. I deserve so much better. I became the servant, so sad I let that happen. You asked what do I need to do. I need to get my respect back. How I am not really sure.

R2C I’m not really sure what that means. The funny thing is I attract women all the time. I am tall and in shape have a great sense of humor and intelligent. Yet the one I want he most does not want me. So many of my female colleagues have told me my w is an idiot for doing this. Also, I won’t have a hard time finding other women. The funny about those 2 statements is they make me mad and happy at the same time. Mad because the one I want does not want me. Happy that other women think I am a catch. While I was away for my son’s hip hop competition a lot of the women said how great it is that I came considering what I am going through. So many complained that their husbands did not come yet I was there. So many see what a good person I am but my ex. Obviously I did things in the m that really bothered her enough to do this to our family. I’m sorry I am tired of repeating myself. I just need to learn acceptance, it will help me move on in my life. She is a lost cause and is “done”. D paperwork was done by the lawyer so I have to look it over and then I will be signing. It’s sad this August would have made 15 years of m. I will say being here has taught me so much. I am definitely a changed person. She is not. She is still the stubborn self centered person. I wish the “aliens” that a ducted my w would return her. But she is gone forever. There was one positive thing I heard from my w. A couple of moms were complaining how their h never go to these dance competitions. My w said, “oh no wolfman never misses anything for the kids.” I said thank you. She said well it’s true. It was nice to hear but I know it means nothing other than I am a good dad. Which is great don’t get me wrong. But that doesn’t mean she wants to get back with me.

[IHCLACS]

Its really selfish of us to want to keep them when they want out. I know it pains us, but they are unhappy for whatever reason, and who are we to stand in the way of that? Whether its destruction, purpose, peace, or somewhere in between?
Or tell them what happiness is to us, isn't to them. Let it all go wolf. Have you ever watched Swingers? You have to come first Wolf, before them. Hey Wolf? Do you dance?

[joejoe1]

Wolf,

Everything you are saying is about her accepting you. But, be honest with yourself, do you accept her actions at the moment. You mentioned you don't know how you gain your respect, but you do, you are scared of how the encounters with your W will turn out. You know it will be a battle. Guess what, it always is. But it's not about the reaction of your W. When a person respect themselves, they don't care how people react when they make their decisions. For too long you have been making decisions based off of how your W will and won't react.

Now it's time to make the decisions that a best for you. That's how you gain respect.

I wrote this a while back

Can a person truly pay respect if they don't have any?

Respect cost, does a person with no respect for another truly love another. IMO, NO! Respect is not something that is just handed over freely, it's earned. It's action oriented. If a person is disrespected and the person who does the disrespecting is not confronted then respect is lost.

In order for a person to once again begin to love they must first begin to respect. In order for another person to respect another, that other person must respect themselves first. The longer the disrespect continues, the more the respect currency is lost.

But, in order to gain respect, it only takes one brave act, one act to show that disrespect won't be allowed. That act doesn't care what the reaction of the person doing the disrespecting is going to do. The only thing that matters is that the disrespecting stops. Once the disrespect is stopped, there are only two options, to respect or to distance ones self. But guess what, the distance option is a form of respect as well.

When faced with disrespect the right decision to be made, is first am I being used/disrespected. Why am I saying No or Yes. Am I saying "NO" to be mean or am I saying no because it's not conducive for me at the moment. Am I saying "Yes" because I think it will get my Spouse back or am I saying "Yes" because it's actually the right thing to do?

See, respect has nothing to do with being mean or nice. Has nothing to do with hurting another. It's all about a person, not crossing the clearly stated boundaries you have set. Repsect is one person acknowledging that they won't cross your LINE, because they understand you won't TOLERATE them if they do.

Most LBS allow line crossing/disrespect because we don't want our WW/WS to leave us, but the irony/rub is the more/longer they line cross the further away they go. If you want them to ever come back and STAY, STAY is the key word, Respect must be there. The more respect they have the less likely they are going to leave.

So the first steps in winning a Spouse back, is stopoing all the actions that show lack of respect and love for oneself (begging, crying, pursuing). Next start loving and respecting yourself. Next GAL, 180s, and detaching (not to escape, but too heal). Lastly allow no other to disrespect you and for all those that do, show them with action what doing so entails.

The purpose of DB or hope for a WW isn’t ruining their life, it’s leaving them alone and letting them see you grow and become stronger. It's Karma job to teach lessons, it's a LBS job to heal themselves.

Joejoe

Onward and upward