Midlife wife crisis8

[Wolfman]

Do you understand how your W feels at all? Do you know you have the power to change the way she feels? Drop the rope. Forgive her. Forgive her some more. Forgive yourself. Do not argue with her. Set her free. DROP THE ROPE.

You are not listing to her. You are arguing with her. If you love her, you will stop arguing. You will listen to understand her

How can I change the way she feels? I give space, we have a parenting schedule, I know I have made some mistakes but I validate. I made bunch of changes. I see no hope from her. I forgive her for what she is putting this family through. Nothing has made a difference. We have been at this for a year now. She is enjoying her freedom. Sandi talks about in her posts how some want to be a girls gone wild. That’s my w. The days she doesn’t have the kids she is out living it up. She has become a teenager all over again. Partying and acting like a selfish brat. I am sorry I am not ready for divorce, I know I have no choice but I am not ready to be a single father!!!

you ask what are the changes. I’m just going to list them: I go to IC, I barely yell anymore, I really listen to what she says, I keep better track of the kids activities that a lot of times now she asks me what they have and which day, I don’t complain about the house, I don’t complain about money, upbeat and happy all the time. She has made comments about a few of these things that she has noticed.

Come on Wolfy. These are either exaggerations of the truth or things you are doing to get her back. We have just established that you don't really listen to her.

These are things I have really done. For me to be a better person and yes for her to see I am not the same guy and spark her interest. I am not exaggerating my changes.

One thing you said LH I really don’t understand. You said I suffer because I choose to suffer.

Are you healthy? Are your kids healthy? Do you have friends and family? Do you have a job? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food to eat?

Just because I have all those things doesn’t mean a person can’t suffer. I suffer because of the loss of family and w.

I tell myself I have women hitting on me and there are plenty of fish in the sea but then my mind will say I don’t want those “fish”

It's because you are not ready. You will be in the future. Then you will realize how ridiculous it was for you to put up with the bs.

Have you read No Mr. Nice Guy?

Yes it is a lot of BS. I guess I put up with it because of the family dynamic. They say we learn a lot about families from our parents. My dad was not happy in his m to my mom. But he said he always stayed for me and my brothers he didn’t want to put us through that. I have put up with so much BS with my w and wouldn’t leave because I felt like that’s not what you do when you have a family. Especially when you have kids.

I was going to say the same thing as LH about the arguing. If there is one thing you taught me Wolfie. For example. If your daughter started throwing a tantrum. Would you yell back or argue with her? Your W is no different. Just an oversized adult version with higher priorities and needs of her own, whether delusional emotional factual, logical or not. Still her truth.

The point being is choose not to argue. Choose to not emotionally engage when and if provoked. Choose to walk away if the convo goes sideways. State why that is a boundary and you only do it and say it once. From there on forward you just do it. No need to explain. Choose to set boundaries for bad behavior. Choose to remain in control of yourself. Choose Civility, to validate, and not take it personally anymore. She isn't your wife anymore. You are not emotionally, physically, financially, attached to her anymore. Choose to listen impartially without involving your perception or opinion unless asked for it.

You are right she is acting like a kid. Throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. She feels she has been cheated in life. That she is missing out on something. She is chasing happy. I have read it on here many times how people like this don’t know how to make themselves happy so they go out chasing it. Since she is not happy right now she thinks I am the cause of her unhappiness and to get rid of me. Unfortunately for me this is her truth right now. Can it change maybe but I don’t know when. According to MLC I still have at least another year before she come out of this if she even does. I will work hard on not arguing and getting caught up in the BS. I woke up this morning having a massive panic attack. Just came on I have no idea why.

Your response should be "that must have been difficult for you, it sounds like you are sad and frustrated, is that how you feel?" Just listen and validate no matter how outrageous her claims seem to be.

This will work every time. Memorize it. Practice it. Practice it with your D. Practice it in the car by yourself.

I am going to practice it and stick with it. Can’t let my emotions get caught up in this.

The other day we started to go over the stipulation for d. It took every once of my will power not to break down and cry. And yet she went through it like nothing. It’s been said many times I am just reiterating a point. She is not the woman I married. The woman I married would never let this happen to her family or to her kids. It’s all about her and that’s it.makes me very sad that my w is gone. When i see pictures of us I just think, where did she go???

[job]

Please start a new thread.

[Ready2Change]

How can I change the way she feels?

MY lady feels better after she talks to me for about an hour. As long as I don't say much and listen and understand how she is feeling, she is then relaxed. She feels better. During that hour, her emotions will go up and down, left and right. Vents to me about me, the kids, co workers, clients, her siblings, her parents.


My step daughter was so angry that "NO ONE LISTENS TO ME!!!" She said I am the only one.

Be safe to talk to. Listen to her story. Her story is not right or wrong. It is not good or bad. It is just her story. Do not take any of it personally.

[LH19]

W,

You keep stating in every post that it's all about her and what she wants. Can't I argue that you are acting the same way and it's all about you and what you want?

[Wolfman]

Here is the new thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2859918&#Post2859918

[Wolfman]

W,

You keep stating in every post that it's all about her and what she wants. Can't I argue that you are acting the same way and it's all about you and what you want?

Not really. I am looking at the family dynamic. Looking to keep us intact for our kids. These are fixable problems. Have you ever had a problem you couldn’t fix and asked someone for help and they fixed it for you? Because you couldn’t see the problem? That’s what’s going on here, she is not acting rationally. I know this is her thinking NOW. And there is nothing I can do right now because she doesn’t see it. So yeah I want to fix it because she doesn’t see the problem and I do t want her regretting this d because she was acting emotionally and not logically. I can see how it looks like it’s what I want but I want what’s best for the family.

[curtis7]

Not really. I am looking at the family dynamic. Looking to keep us intact for our kids. These are fixable problems. Have you ever had a problem you couldn’t fix and asked someone for help and they fixed it for you? Because you couldn’t see the problem? That’s what’s going on here, she is not acting rationally. I know this is her thinking NOW. And there is nothing I can do right now because she doesn’t see it. So yeah I want to fix it because she doesn’t see the problem and I do t want her regretting this d because she was acting emotionally and not logically. I can see how it looks like it’s what I want but I want what’s best for the family.

Wolf, you and I share the same beliefs and values when it comes to our family. One of the main reasons we’ve put up with these horrible sitches for so long. The logic speaks for itself, but our WW won’t listen to it. I hope and pray that one day both of our W’s do. I can attest how difficult it is to remain patient, wait, and resist the urge to step in and help her. Stay strong Wolf, you are a great role model for your kids. Keep standing and hold onto that vision of how great your MR will be and how happy your family will be together in the future.