A big thank you to all the people on this site that have helped me over the past few months. I was looking to this site to help me get over the W and to accept we were nothing but friends. However in the short time with the advice of so many good folks (exp John) i turned the 1 yr seperation into a success story. The wife and I are going to counciling, i'm moving back in, we are communicating at a deeper level than we ever did in the past 13yrs. I am sure i will be checking back from time to time just to get a refresher course, and to say hi to all my new found friends. But please don't think i'm rude for going dim on you guys (im not DBing you), its just that at this stage of moving back home and working on the marriage my time will be limited. But I will always be avail to anyone who needs my advice or my story, you have my email addy.
Good luck to you all, and take it from me. 1 yr of seperation and doing everything wrong but it is never too late to do some good DBing. I know i still have a long journey ahead of me to keep our marriage great, but at lest i know the the W and me will be working together on it this time, and I have a great support group in all of you.
Kevin
JJ
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I am now 36 and my husband is 40--this started when he was 37 and I was 32.
Reconciliation within my marriage does not necessarily make me a "success".
As Frosty posted, the very fact of coming through to the other side REGARDLESS of whether the marriage makes it or not, makes a "success" out of each person.
Life takes many twists and turns during a spouse's MLC-and it all goes back to DB techniques, doing more of what works, less of what doesn't, and leaving everything else in the hands of the Lord.
When I used the DB techniques, I didn't know that was what they were-they were taught to me by someone who'd been in my shoes before, and after I realized I really needed help, I listened carefully, researched heavily, prayed hard, and put what I learned into action.
You have seen me post here many times concerning different things, telling hard truths no one wanted to hear.
And it all came back to learning the lessons, regardless of whether the marriage made it or not, and hoping the WAS would decide to come back into the marriage to experience the NEW LBS, and give it another try.
I have seen many that wanted the "quick fixes", but it is NOT to be. I had to go through this, it was the only way to get to the other side.
Even if a divorce occurs, the lessons must STILL be learned, and if they are not learned, they are recycled until they are learned, or you die, one of two things.
I wasn't the only one saddled with deciding if I wanted the marriage-my HUSBAND had to decide, too.
And I prepared for either possibility, and sometimes my heart was heavy, because I knew it could go either way.
I just know that when I changed, HE changed and came forward-and I had to shut my mouth many times or if I opened it, I undid some things, and it took that much longer for him to come through.
Letting him go was the hardest thing I ever did, but once I learned to let it ALL go, I saw things accelerate, because he had NO pressure on him to either recommit or not recommit.
And I saw him come back on his own-he never left physically, but was gone emotionally.
It has been three years, four months, since his crisis started-and though he is out of the tunnel, the changes in him continue and I continue to stand by, and just love him, be his friend, although there's nothing to fear from him in the way of rejection, etc, anymore.
I found out something was wrong a year and a half ago in September 2001, and for three months, I couldn't see the forest for the trees-I was so busy sucked up in his drama, he was running harder and harder away from me. I was trying to control what he was doing, and it wasn't working.
I was guided into understanding that I had changes to make and fought them at first--but in the middle of the third month, understanding broke, and I asked the Lord to change me into what my husband needed-and He granted my request, as well as showing me the areas of my life that needed improving.
You see, it all came back to ME-I could do NOTHING for my husband; I couldn't control him, I could only control ME.
And, like I said, when I changed, HE changed--but though things got worse before they got better, I didn't give up.
I endured insults, emotional hurt, projection, listening to him blame me for HIS problems-these things I was able to withstand and come through, and it WASN'T easy.
In the end, he recommitted to me, but it was only AFTER I changed, and let it all go to the Lord to deal with-as long as I interfered, things got worse and worse.
The bottom line is this:
MLC'ers are ADULTS, and will do what they want to do when they think they have to do it-doesn't mean they are right, but you must decide what you will do--wait or go on with your life.
And even while you are waiting, you can get on with your life AS IF the MLC'er is NOT in it-life DOES go on at some point, and if you are "stuck" it will pass you by.
I wasted three months fighting what I knew I had to do-but in the end I took the journey and grew into what I needed to become.
And that took time-in the meantime, my husband was on his journey that I could do NOTHING about, but watch and pray.
EVEN if my marriage had NOT made it, I would STILL have been a success, because I let this mold and shape me, helping me to grow into a more mature adult.
IF he'd have left me, I would have had to get on with my life, regardless, I was already prepared for either possibility.
Not every marriage survives this-it depends on BOTH people and they must decide in one mind and one accord, although that may occur at different times.
I advised, partly based from my own experience, and partly from that of others, as some things I didn't face.
You can read a bunch of success stories, but you need to really look for the TOOLS that were used in bringing about that success, and it all comes back to the journey taken and the changes made within YOU to come through this mess becoming a stronger, better person than you were before it all happened.
JJ
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Just wanted others to know that DB'ing does work. I don't know if I have been lucky or not but after 2 weeks of the LR technique my W told me this past weekend that she wants to make our M stronger.
She didn't share a lot of details about the OP but indicated that that EA is over. She cannot envision us being apart.
Although there is a lot of work to be done and a lot of things unsaid over the last 14 months, things are headed in the right direction.
When I asked my W what made the difference, her response was I gave her the time and space she had been needing all along and had been telling me all along that that's what she needed. It' funny that when you read the 7-step book it doesn't sink in right away!!
Anyway, things are headed in the right direction, she's even thinking about quitting her job and moving into an apartment that I have in the town I have been assigned to for the next 4-6 months.
I'll keep y'all posted on how it proceeds. I am taking a cautious approach and trying not to be overly optimistic right now. Still just letting her sort out what she needs and being supportive mostly.
jeffrey26
JJ
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I thought I would leave this message to thank all of you who gave me very helpful davice on my situation. I am pleased to inform everybody that My wife and I have patched things up and are back together again. She realized as well as I that our love for each other is too strong to be broken up by such trivial circumstance. She said the 3 weeks that she took for herself was very trying for her and she realized that what we have togethert is for life. Thank you all so much for helping me through this and always remember, Love conquers all.
GMV
JJ
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