This was concerning putting our spouse on a pedestal. A natural thing we all do, post bomb
...but what someone pointed out to me once is that while we are doing this - that where we are actually placing ourselves is BELOW that person...weird how simple that is
When someone gets defensive to something you say. There's probably a lot of truth to it. People react strongly to something that strikes a nerve inside of them.
Quote: I have a sign near my computer that says, ILYBINILWY because I love myself more!!!! It reminds me not to e-mail him. It's like avoiding a disease, the further away, the healthier you stay!
it is NOT an ACTIVE process. It is a totally PASSIVE process.
You do not let go as in move on and get over her. You let go as in letting go of a child on a bike, knowing that they are going to crash one day, but you still have to let them go.
You let them go, and live your life and work on yourself, for the day they come back...
You be there for her, when she wants you, not you be there for her when you want to.
...you hold to something THIS tight, you break it. You hold onto someone this tight...you smother them.
Concerning lack of detachment, and thinking too much of our situations
What you are managing is your resentment, anger and pain, all of which are evidence that you're still externalizing much of your feelings.
I hate to be graphic, but what you are doing (and BTW, me and everyone else going through this is too) is akin to having your stomach opened up and your guts spilled. You get the injury, somehow manage to put everything back in place and then you reach back in and start pulling bits back out through the wound again. Your assailant has long walked away. The pain you are feeling now is largely at your own hand and while the wound, or at least it's scar, is still there, that doesn't mean you have to reach into it and use it to inflict pain on yourself again.
You are still allowing HER emotions/problems and the relationship to greatly affect YOUR emotional state/feelings. You are allowing your feelings to then control you which is not helping.
When I think about internalizing, I guess I just mean detaching, not allowing external forces, forces that you have NO control over, to sway your mood and outlook on things. Being more self-centered (in a good way) is really what I am getting at. If you learn to put your happiness in a shell, inside yourself and nurture, protect and grow it, then you will be much better off than if you keep fishing for that happiness outside yourself, as you constantly do when you keep looking for your W or your marriage to make you happy.
Many times it is when we truly let go of things that they finally have the ability to find their way back to us.
A particularly hokey and contrived analogy that just popped to my mind.
Suppose you took your beloved dog out for a walk on a VERY long leash. And for some reason the dog bolted off away from you, and since his leash was very long, you lost track of where he was and desperately wanted to get him back. Well your beloved dog ran off, got that extremely long leash tangled in all kinds of crap and even though he wants desperately to get back to you too, he can't untangle it. So what do you do?
You let go of the leash.
That frees your beloved dog to come running back to you.
He never makes it back as long as you are clutching to his leash.
Reward civil contacts with civil replies. End spewing calls by hanging up. Don't answer spewing emails with anything other than I am sorry you feel that way and if you ever change your mind or want to discuss this calmy I will be here .... click!!!!!!!!
Can i post on this thread, without Smurf's permission.
