What to do

[RAI]

JB,

I sympathize with your situation. My W is eager to press on with mediation and divorce and all I can do is comply with her wishes. Anything else I try would be deemed controlling. A WAS acts in a self-centered manner. They are only listening to themselves or those who tell them what they want to hear. That is why no amount of begging, pleading, or reasoning helps. My Ws OM is a very unsavory character, yet she wants to be with him. What I now realize is that my W has transformed into a completely different person. She is not thinking in a logical fashion.

Your W is not going to be receptive to anything you say or do at this point. that is why you, and I, need to focus on ourselves. The more you focus on what your W is doing, the more aggravated, frustrated, and angry you will feel. It will not help your sleeping at all and will be wasted time. You know what your W is doing. Now move on:

re-read Sandi's rules. Make sure you are adhering to them as best as you can. Accept that you are going to make mistakes. Be thankful you found the books and website as soon as you did. Regardless of the outcome it will spare you a lot of grief down the line.

On another note, is there a timeline on the divorce? Do you have an attorney? I strongly suggest you talk to an attorney. You may be avoiding this because you are in denial and the reality of the situation is only setting in. BUT YOU MUST KNOW YOUR RIGHTS. Remember, your W has been planning this for a while and has had ample time to accept and learn about divorce. I know it is difficult to even function right now, but you have to take better care of yourself right now than you ever have.

I wish I could alleviate your pain. It is something that we are all going through. But, if you play your cards right, there will be better days. I am so sorry for your predicament.

RAI

[jb1515]

Rai

Thank you for the comments and support. I completely agree with the self centered manner. She acts in a way I have never seen before. Her family has noticed it also. The Ws om is a very unsavory character also. I still don't see the connection she has with him. But that seems to be what she wants. How long do they stay in this fog?

I do have a lawyer, had one since the day she left. I'm not sure on the timeline. I let the lawyer handle it.

I go to the gym daily after work. So that helps relieve stress. She keeps telling me to date people. What do I do about that?

[Mozza]

Hi jb1515 - I have good and bad news: your wife is in love. That's why she thinks and says that this man will make her happy. As with any early stage love, it will have to come back down. Now, it doesn't mean she'll break up with him for sure, nor that she'll come back to you. But it does explain her current behavior and informs your reactions. When you're in love, would you listen to a former girlfriend trying to plead and reason you back into a relationship with her? No? Then do it. You'll have to step back and let her go through this. By removing yourself, you'll make it impossible for her to blame you for her life. I read around here that affairs generaly last 6 months, but every case is unique. How long can you do this?

By the way, create your signature so that we can know more details about your sitch.

[SunnyB]

jb, let go of trying to figure out the how long. At BD, my first thought was to simply outlast the A, and things would get back to normal. Ha! My H has been with OW for about a year now, although I didn't know it until the end of April. As far as I know, they are still going strong.

Why do you need to do anything at all about your W telling you to date? Only you get to decide whether dating is right for you or not. She doesn't get to decide. If you don't want her to mention it again, just tell her so, politely. If you do that and she brings it up anyway, you'll need to be prepared to end the conversation at that point. Eventually, she'll get the message.

[Mozza]

Of course, I meant "Then don't do it"!

As for the timeline, I'll agree with rppfl: in reality, you'll figure it out as you go, not in advance. But if you want to save your M, expect to last a few very long months, maybe more than a year. I've read around here that reconciliation stories take on average 2 years. I've been three months into mine, three excruciating months, so I repeat it to myself often. It helps. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

[jb1515]

I see your point on the timeline. I just need to take it day by day. During this time just work on myself. I know I will come out this a better person no matter the outcome. I've learned so much in the past few months.

I agree that she is in the early stages of love. That's what she was looking for when she left me. I'm at peace with them being in a relationship. Because I know I have no control over it.It's not something I see lasting but I also know that if it ends. She still might not come back to me.

She has mentioned the dating thing multiple times. I have told her that I'm not ready for that. Maybe someday but not today.

When she contacts me, I need to be short and distant?

[jb1515]

well I have not had a chance to post in a few days. Seems like I'm on a roller coaster ride. Seems like her emotions and actions change from day to day. She is still with the other man. They seem to be in a committed relationship. But she tells me and others that she does not want to be in one. That's very confusing to me.

She came over Wednesday to talk about the house. We are planning on renting it for the time being. The talks went good. The next thing I know she is sitting on the couch. We sit there and talk and watch tv for 3 hours. Then when she left she hugged me and told me she missed these times. I told her I missed us also.

Friday she came over to show the house to the renters. After they left she could tell I was upset. So she comes over to me and starts hugging me. She did that for a good while. We talked about everything. She told me she was scared of us being together because she was afraid that it would go to before. Then she left to go see the om.

Saturday she stopped by to get something from the house. She was with the om. He did not come inside. But I lost my cool. For some reason it really upset me. She told me to calm down and I was over reacting. She told me I needed to be patient because she was between a rock and hard place.

Sunday I text her to apologize for how I acted Saturday. We text for a little bit then she quit. I text her again later to see if she was ok but she never resounded. She told me again that she did not want to be with anyone. That she had to much stress.

[jb1515]

Spoke with the spouse yesterday about renting the house. Then she broke lose on me. Telling me that me her new man and her parents are causing her to much stress in her life. I'm causing her and the om to fight. That she catches hell from him for talking to me. She said she watered of all the bullcrap. That im not going to win if they break up. I told her I knew that. Because she does not want to be with me. But I can keep hope that she will change her mind.

[jb1515]

Were 5 months into this now. She still has a bf but I have been told that she is starting to pull away. I know she went to a Christmas party and did not take him. Not sure why, I did not ask her.

How much should I be in contact with her? She called me Wednesday and talked on the phone for an hour. We talked about everything, no relationship talk. I ended the conversation. Thursday we text throughout the day. Then continued texting that night. Friday night I text her to let her know that I would come get her if she needed a ride back from the party. I sent the last message at 7 and never got a response. I thought I did good because in the past I would have sent another message, OR MAYBE even asked why she has not sent me anything back.

How much space do I need to give her? Do I wait for her to contact me out can I contact her.

She also told me the that she was not ready to let me go but she could not stop me. That I was a good catch. I told her I would hold out hope she would change her mind. She told me not to hold my breath because she is stupid about stuff.

[labug]

I wouldn't hold my breath.

Sorry, I don't know much more about your sitch than what you have in your sig but with no kids and married for such a short time, I'd wish her well and create a great life for myself.

It's painful but it's also an opportunity to figure you out.