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Answer honestly. I'd guess that you don't know how you'll feel after a divorce is finalized. Feelings change along the way, including yours. You may not want to be friends. It may be best for you to move on and heal. Or you might not care whether you're friends. Do you know?

Worked off-site today in our university associated lab with low light capable cameras, so was able to come home a little earlier. Checked house cameras. Appears W was there for 3 minutes this afternoon to pick up D17 for gymnastics. D19 is at work. S12 and me

BloonsTD6 - Dark Castle map - Hard Difficulty - Chimps mode

S12 and I made it to round 98 of 100. Sigh. So close after many attempts and strategies.

Now what to do to get him outside? pondering.

g

Good Morning MG


“I'm looking to be happy in any moment rather than creating happiness.” This hits the nail right on its head. H is looking to be happy. That comes from external sources. MLCers flit and ping-pong about from one thing to another trying all manner of activity in a futile attempt to try to find something to make them happy.

Of course, the world is a big shinny place. There is lots and lots of stuff to do to take one’s mind off of their problems. Heck, there are huge businesses built upon that.

Creating happiness is an internal pursuit and endeavour. Being at peace and content and grateful with what you have. Working towards meaning and fulfillment in all things - relationships, work, play, etc. This doesn’t stop pursuit of materialistic things , just the effort towards better is now focused or directed with self betterment rather than just trying to feel better.

Are you running from something or to something?

A person in crisis is running from their pain. That’s their reason. They are not running towards something.

The LBS, we tend to not run from things. A good response, IMHO. It’s ok. Standing still is still moving forward. Nothing wrong with being still until one knows that which they wish to head towards.

Such a comment as from H is within the replay/running stage; it’s its definition. The latter stages: Acceptance, one has traversed their path, accepted their demons, and found peace. They are not looking for happiness in all the wrong places.

In depression and withdrawal, the MLCer has let go of their pursuit of happiness. Their external efforts to fix their unrealized internal problem have all failed and turned to ash. They slide into the abyss and dark depression, sinking from the world around them. It’s here they truly start and come fade to face with their inner demons. Some run back into replay, and some dig in and persevere. The latter group is not trying to quash their inner pain with external fun times. They are growing up, realizing life is not always all fun and games. It’s also full of responsibilities, duties, repercussions for one’s actions, and so on. They see their path and blame themselves, which is quite a lot to find peace with.


We all compartmentalize to a certain extent. Consider, the kids are fighting while you are getting them off to school. You finally get them out the door and head off to work. You don’t bring all that stress to work, you leave it at the door. (Mostly. Hopefully.) Same for bring work home. Two compartments. A work / life balance.

The best success of that comes when one can find, or more accurately, create self peace within each/all aspects of their lives. It’s creating self peace rather than finding it. Most things in life are out of one’s direct control. Yet, one can create peace with that, craft and direct how they respond to such stresses and situations. Oddly, the better you get at it, the less you actually leave at the door.

A MLCer has unknowingly buried, compartmentalizing, denied, their long ago pains. As they start getting closer and closer to bomb drop, their compartments start to fail. Far too much pressures to hold back. Bomb drop is a huge pressure release.

Further pressure releases occur as their compartments fill, build, and fail again and again. They aren’t digging in and doing their work, they are running from, trying to quash their pain with external things. (Spoiler alert, it doesn’t work. Of course, telling them doesn’t work either. It’s a life lesson they need to learn pretty much on their own.)

Compartmentalizing, wearing a mask, the MLCer hides their pain. From the world. From themselves. Until their walls crash and their mask falls. The usual response is then lashing out at their perceived object of blame (spouse, kids, whoever). And with said pressure released, going back to their now new norm. Masks and all.

Wearing a mask is tiresome. Maybe I just got old ; I don’t put on a fake face. Really got no time for that. lol.


Hopefully, escaping and withdrawal behaviours were somewhat illuminated from the above discussion.

Yes, H seems to have progressed. True, he can now be in the same room as you for extended times when before he could not. However, his reasons are his own. The why of his change is hidden, maybe even from himself. And he could revert back.

Don’t read too much into things. Looking for crumbs. It takes long term consistent demonstrated behaviour before you should even start to consider H’s better behaviours are becoming permanent. It’s perfect fine to hope, just keep your expectations really low.


H’s pressure is real. To him. He feels it. Therefore, it is real.

As for its source. All of the above. Everything is pressure for one so consumed by depression.

Some is self inflicted, running away from one’s problems doesn’t solve or lessen them, and lead to even more problems. Work, family, kids, spouse, the clerk at the grocery store, all can be pressure to a person in crisis.

H is on an emotional runaway train. His emotions get triggered and reinforced by all kinds of stimulus. Some external, some internal. He cannot handle his feelings, which is pressure to him.

The LBS, we go through grief and depression as well. I remember, birthdays being difficult. Heck getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, was difficult. So much pressure to not just stay curled up under the blankets.

For a MLCer, that is increased multifold.


It’s more a caution.

Let’s use my situation as an example. My W left and lived with OM. Say I called her everyday. Pleading, begging, telling her how wrong I was, to just come back, and so on. And she pulled away and ceases all communication for years. Is that on me? I’d likely place the blame for it squarely on my shoulders as a consequence for my interference and actions.

As it is, XW did leave and hasn’t spoke to me in years. I let her go and left her to her path and choices. Now, did my absence and lack of pleading push her away? Maybe. Although that’s a lot less likely. Pushing away requires some manner of force. Letting go is the opposite of trying to forcefully control the situation or someone. I’ve no guilt or remorse on my behaviour. I’ve not manipulated her nor her path.


I agree. H is driven, living, emotionally. Emotions are not of the realm of intellect, logic, reason, and language. It’s really hard to put emotions into words. If it were easy, poets would be out of work.

H’s current lexicon is foreign. Even to him.


Likely. Though not with you. You are the wife. Not his safe therapist, or parent, etc.

If H brings it up, you can certainly listen and validate. However, I’d not probe too much. Let H find his way at his speed. You want him to work fully through his problems. Otherwise H will repeat his crisis. And the second time around is far worse.


I agree, the passing of H’s mom is a likely possible trigger for his crisis.

I’d not purposefully invite H over for Mother’s Day. That’s not cruel. H needs to cry over his loss. It may just do a lot of good to allow him to feel, and yes suffer. It is very rare that people change until they’ve hit rock bottom. H needs to hit rock bottom, before he is going to climb back out. That, at its core is compassion, and it takes a certain amount of indifference to allow someone their journey.

If H asks to come over, I’d agree to have him over. Same if he asked you to join him to go see his Mom’s grave.

Hope that helps.

D

Whatlee,

If he calls and asks what you are doing, you can always say that you are busy and can't talk at the moment. You do not need to tell him what you are doing. Better yet, hold off returning his calls and texts for a couple of hours and if he asks why you didn't answer, respond "I'm sorry, I was busy." No need for any other explanation.

Also, be mysterious, do not be so readily available to hang out. You want him to miss you and that can't happen if you are hanging out. Sounds like the ow isn't always available to hang out with him.

They can't miss you if you are still right where they left you. You need to move forward and create a new life and who knows...one they see that you have moved forward and are getting on with things, they just might want to spend more time with you and eventually come back to earth.

I've been -ruminating- over John Gray's Mars/Venus books interpretation of this. Paraphrased:

~When a woman is stressed she feels a need to talk about her feelings and ALL the possible problems that are associated. No priorities. Not concerned with solutions. Seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. Through exploring her feelings she finds awareness of what is really bothering her. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. If not feeling heard and understood, she may expand further, even to other peoples problems.

Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems~



This year I'm wondering if this isn't a version of testing. i.e. Can you call me on my BS when I am off the rails? Are you stronger than me like I want you to be?

g

aphexx,

You have to try to stay busy. Idle time and an unoccupied mind are your biggest threats right now. The posters that have traditionally struggled the most have done GAL the worst. They would sit doing nothing large parts of the day, and then come here and talk about how much they struggle.

Stay busy. Occupy body and mind as much as possible. Get out and hang with friends, read and focus on learning new things. Exercise. Any minute you are sitting doing nothing gives your mind the opportunity to wander and start thinking about things you shouldn't.

Remember, struggling is a choice you get to make. Choosing to stay busy is how you choose not to struggle. It's within your control!

Hey MrP, thanks for checking in. I continue to move forward with my process and have filed D. As many here understand this is a tumultuous time and it's taken a lot of energy and focus to remain emotionally resilient for myself and my kids. Being sober has helped enormously as has prioritizing sleep, fitness, and a healthy diet.

I spend a lot of time with my kids especially on weekends and this weekend will be no different. Love it. They are still unaware of what is happening and it breaks my heart to think of what's ahead so I focus on the present.

Highs and lows. I've strayed at times from behaving in the way I want to but each time I find myself re-centering faster, like a rubber band whose elasticity increases with time. Perhaps this is the long-awaited detachment taking hold.

Summer is around the corner and I couldn't be more excited. A good friend just bought a small boat and we plan to spearfish up and down the coast all summer long. I want to teach the kids to surf this year too, something that I spent years doing and brought me a lot of happiness. Camping trips are booked.

So that's all for now. I still check the boards weekly and appreciate you asking after me. Thanks again to everyone who has weighed in and continues to check in.

Next Thread.

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. He showed good emotion and even some empathy (of course this was after being caught in a lie) but non the less more than I have got since this started. And of course is cycling back this last week to jerk mode. Hopefully those cycles will get less and less and shorter like they have been. I remember seeing a thread that amyc posted about here story when she was in her mlc. Does anyone have a link to that thread. I cant seem to find it now. or any other threads of people coming out of their mlc. It helps me a lot mentally to read these stories.

Thanks P. Yes it’s slow and documented.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2949723#Post2949723

Hi Folks, Just for starters my mother was very ill from late 2022 till Tues 24th Jan, when she started to improve greatly. I stayed with her bar 3 days starting on Christmas eve. The doc's couldn't find what was wrong with her. Her carer's were not allowed to lift her up, they were only coming in the mornings anyway. So I helped nurse her better. I knew that she was getting better, when she could start to eat some things. She had some of my portion of fish, chips (french fries) & peas.

By the 20th of Jan 2023 I found out my mentor & friend Tom died on the 9th Jan. To the folks who were close to him knew him as the weeping lost sheep evangilist. So his funeral took place on Friday 27th Jan. The day I told the carers I was moving out & they would also now put Mum to bed as well as the morning. On the Friday 27th she also started back at day care (4 days a week).

Well I was the only one in the family apart from my youngest daughter Dawn to have contact with my middle daughter Louise (not their real names). I sent her an email & she replied with the following, titled: I’m going NO contact with you from now on

I can no longer pretend that I’m happy to continue playing my role in our family dynamic. The fog has been lifting for me since my life changed for the better in 2020. I know this will be hard for you to comprehend. There can never be any resolve over the past because I know that you have no desire to make the unconscious, conscious. This is why I can’t be my true self in my interactions with you. For the most part, I’ve been playing the nice ‘good girl’ role since childhood, in order to keep the peace & to keep me safe from harm/conflict. Whilst I’ve given you an indication of why I need to go no contact, I don’t want to go into any more detail because my lived experience as a member of our family is a world away from what you imagine it to be/have been. I know this to be true, as you re-wrote the actual reality of the time when Mum was a member of our family dynamic too. After Mum left, keeping quiet on what I knew to be true about that situation was always a necessary coping mechanism, to ‘keep the peace.’


I want to finish by saying that since early 2021 I’ve been following the guidance of a true spiritual teacher. This is how I’ve managed to find the strength to go no contact with you. I know I found this teacher for a profound reason. Just like I know generational trauma has fallen hard on me for a reason. I am a conscious being & I’m choosing to follow the path of soul ascension. In time, I am going to heal all my wounds. As long as I have a life to live, I’m seeking liberation in every way possible, therefore going no contact with you is a necessary part of the healing journey I’m on.


Going forward please respect my wishes for absolutely no contact in any form. I don’t want to receive any texts, emails, cards, letters, phone calls or voicemails from you. This is the way it has to be from now on.
---------------------------------------------------------

So this is just for starters!

Love

Delboy

This hits home with me. I'm far enough out that I can see how I indulged her in some positive ways (loving and accepting her despite her feeling inadequate due to her many years of obesity) and some negative ones (indulging her blatant fiscal irresponsibility, despite giving her chance after chance to improve). I got the adoration in return too, which felt great until it stopped, and I passively accepted that she had two jobs that were bring prioritized over me. I think not dealing with that was a mistake on my part, although if I had complained she probably would have said I was too controlling.

So glad to hear you're moving forward on all fronts, MA. Hopefully not being pulled around by him and his drama will be a relief to you. All blessings going forward.

I get it, T. Company is good and, if you've got your mind in the right place, the gender of the company doesn't matter. And, especially in the evenings, options for social engagement can be limited and many involve blowing money and drinking.

I've been keeping an eye out for cultural events that are open to the public as an alternative. It can be a great way to mix things up with a new crowd that has at least one interest in common with me. I've also had some co-workers and neighbors bugging me about hanging out so I've finally taken them up on those offers. Much like 180s, you just have to proactively keep trying to identify different alternatives, ideally things you've wanted to try but haven't or things that you know you'd enjoy and take it from there. I may have said this once before...and heard it from a former counselor...it is also important to be able to self-soothe and spend time alone without relying on others for comfort or company. That is one of the best pieces of guidance I'd ever received and I've made major progress on it since then.

Indeed I also understand what you mean by things feeling "temporary" or surreal in some ways in our situations. For me, it has helped to just revisit my short- and long-term goals and make sure I'm making progress on things like retirement (+10 years out), relationships with family and friends, mapping out what D13 has coming our way over the next few years approaching high school and college. Phew. That generates enough to keep my mind and body busy alone!

Anyway, good to hear your update and looking forward to more down the road. Take care. P

Well we’re exclusive now. I don’t think he was dating anyone when we met but you never know obviously. I thought marriage meant we were exclusive and that wasn’t true. Lol. I can laugh about it now.

Part of me wants to run because I think I don’t have another heartbreak in me but I realize I’m stronger now. I know now that I need to maintain my life outside of a relationship. I built a good one and I’m not making the mistake again of wrapping my entire life around one person. I have friends now, hobbies, enjoy my own company, I have a life.

I’m grateful for this site for teaching me this. It was awful getting to this point but now I can honestly say it was worth it.

Good Morning ingridgu

I am sorry you are feeling mired and lost. This place, the fine posters here, I am glad they resonate with you, provide a heading for the journey.

Please do start a thread and share your story. Direct interaction with folks who have and who are walking in similar shoes is most helpful.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

DnJ

Thank you all for sharing your wisdom and experience. It really helps to hear your perspectives to re-focus myself on the work and introspection I should be doing. I think the biggest thing for me is to learn to be okay with being alone and find who I am as a single person, not in a relationship. This is all new to me and perhaps the most difficult part of this journey. It's so much easier to seek intimacy and affection to fill that void.