Really confused abt what stage H may b in. We were talking on the phone and when we would talk it would be for hours. The last time I saw H he said I had changed and asked if I had a BF, said he didn't care if I did. He is now ghosting me. Doesn't respond to anything. Idk what that means. Don't know if he is withdrawing, I believe his sister is keeping him from that stage and feel like she is trying to fix him up with one of her friends. I don't talk to my boys abt the situation, to know whether or not he is talking to them. Has anybody ever experienced the withdrawal phase being the only person to be withdrawn from? I know I haven't handled the situation the way that has been talked abt on here. It's so hard to go from talking and seeing someone everyday for 30yrs to not talking to them or seeing them at all. I have prob prolonged the whole crisis, I hope and pray I havent.
Do I need to move to a different forum? I joined this thread hoping to talk with people who have either already been through MLC w/ their spouse or people who are currently going through it. I posted a few days ago and have had no response. Just wondering if I'm not doing something right???? I know I don't post a lot basically only when I have questions.
Sorry for a delay in responding to your post. My best friend was out for a visit and I was unplugged for a few days.
The Midlife Crisis forum is less active than the forum For Newcomers. However, this forum is more for the MLC situations, which are pretty darn slow. (My XW will be coming up on seven years post BD and she is still exhibiting major running behaviours.)
A new poster, MamaG, just joined on For Newcomers. Her H is exhibiting crisis behaviours. You might want to check out her thread. Even offer some encouragement and advice for her.
As for MLC stages, the post replay stages of depression and withdrawal are deep and dark. The MLCer pulls away from everything and everyone. Lots of brooding and self blaming.
To me, your experiences with H only withdrawling from you, sounds like replay. H is presently on his portion of flight when he ignores you. And like a boomerang, in a while he likely will circle back reinitiating some level of contact again.
I do think H is dipping into depression and withdrawal somewhat, and then running back into replay. As odd as it is, replay/running feels safer for him. He doesn’t have your knowledge and logic about the situation, and can only amble along at his pace and his direction. Whatever that may be.
Remember, H is emotionally driven. His decisions and behaviours stem from his emotional side rather than logic or reason. It’s hard to make sense of such nonsensical behaviour. Even H doesn’t have solid reasons for what he is doing, he is more reacting to how he feels at a given moment.
Please don’t fret over what you did or didn’t do, or worry about if you prolonged his crisis. H is broken. You didn’t break him, so you cannot fix him.
H needs to heal and grow up from when he was emotional hurt and stunted all those years ago. And he is, unfortunately, an ill-equipped man for such an undertaking. Not to mention he is running from diggin into it, and doesn’t really see or believe he is the source of his pain and torment.
The likely cause of H’s torment is an authority figure from his childhood, yet H is present day source and reinforcement of his own feelings. And that is a hard lesson to learn, especially for those souls so very lost in crisis.
Time and space my dear. Give H lots of each.
How about you. Are you living the trailer? Or have you moved somewhere? Has the divorce proceeding stalled or is H still pushing them along? How are your finances? H providing his share, if applicable?
How is work? or retirement?
How are the kids? How old are they?
What hobbies you into? Any plans for gardening this summer? Travel?
Just curious is all. You know, filling in some of the blanks.
Hope you’re having a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for responding. I'm just so ready for this to be over, I'm wishing for withdrawal.😉 He did have a rough childhood, his mom had him when she was 17. She was very promiscuous until he was 10 and she met his step dad, his dad was in and out his whole life. He spent a lot of time with his grandparents and his uncle which were great people. He lost his uncle/best friend in 1997 and his grandfather in 1999. His dad never treated him like a son, he was more like a buddy. His dad passed in 2017 and left him nothing after promising him certain things that were special to him.😢 He's never dealt with anything he's been through and there may b more that I don't know abt.
As for me I'm still living in the camper, working 2 jobs he gives me no financial assistance. Hoping to find a better job this summer so I can afford to get out and just work 1 job. It's kinda hard to find a job that pays good when u don't really have any skills. I mean the last 30 yrs I've been a wife and mother, but I have some leads. There hasn't been anymore action as far as the "D" word is concerned, we're going on 8 months since papers were filed.
My boys are all doing great. The oldest is 30 and moved to Nebraska when all of this started happening. He doesn't have a relationship with his dad 😪 our middle child he's 25 and is in North Carolina working and the youngest he's 22 lives in Auburn(WAR EAGLE).
I don't really have any hobbies, however I love sports. Hopefully I will b going to the beach a lot this summer.
Just wanted to reach out for some encouragement for you. I am so sorry you find yourself here as well. my husband is still in mlc and still has an ap in the shadows but I do see some hope some days. Trust me withdrawal was almost harder than the replay but at least you know they are making some movement.
My husband also had a hard childhood and has been the worst monster I have seen. the only thing he hasn't done is beat me. And to be honest I think the only reason he hasn't is because he is in law enforcement and knows he would loose his job which is about the only thing he has constantly cared about. A main reason for this is that it is the main thing his horrible toxic mother is proud of him for.
Keep up the work but trust me from someone whose husband has moved back after being gone for 13 months and is still in mlc, IT IS WAY HARDER WITH HIM COMING HOME THAN I COULD HAVE EVER IMAGiND. I ups and downs and lack of peace in the home is killing. make sure you take lots of time for you.
Thanks for the encouragement. I am sorry u are in this situation as well. It's been almost 2 yrs since I was forced out. To begin with he was extremely mean, even come at me 1 time when he thought I had done something to his phone, thank God my son was there to stop him. We have seen each other a few times in those 2 yrs, he is different each time. The last time we were together he said he wasn't ready for us to be back together, that he had some stuff to work through and he was working on his relationship with God. I asked him not to ghost me like he had done in the past and here we are, he is ghosting me😂 I understand what u say abt the ups and downs, when we were living together it was kind of a joke between my friends and I, I would say, "let me go in and see which H I'm gonna get today." It was almost like an adventure, to b honest I didn't mind it cause at least I was with him, could hear his voice and see his face.
I pray your situation changes quickly and you have peace.
It's great to have a forum where their are people who are dealing with or have dealt with what you are going through, cause unless people have been through it or are going through it, they don't understand and u get the eye roll.
It’s interesting how family alters as they leave the nest. Kids move away, find jobs, make lives, etc. Your boys are further dispersed than my children. Still, I find it takes a purposeful effort to schedule visits/trips to see them, and/or have them all around the table at special times. And the logistics of family gatherings is going to get more difficult with grandkids. I figure I’ll be doing more of the travelling then.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
I'm just so ready for this to be over
Originally Posted by Whatlee
I don't really have any hobbies, however I love sports. Hopefully I will b going to the beach a lot this summer.
I hear you. For a good while I too was so ready for my situation to just be over.
In time, focus shifts. Life and hobbies and such. And with that shift a present day history/past started to accumulate. Days, weeks, months. More and more time, and a new history is written.
We write that history, that immutable past, in the present. With every moment.
It takes purposeful effort to be in the moment. To GAL, to explore beyond one’s “old” comfortable. In time, one will and does accumulate their past. It is always happening. And one’s past does help define and steer one towards their future.
It takes time and effort. Once we accumulate more and more “newer and better” history, it is easier and easier to be in the present moment. Which writes that new and better past.
It is difficult. Grief and depression do not foster feelings or enthusiasm for getting out there and living and loving life. Be gentle on yourself, yet do push to do things. Each investment in to yourself - like a trip to the beach - accumulates. And all those deposits keep earning interest.
Keeping to a good thought out path and acting in such a manner that serves you and who you are or wish to be, keeps stead forward progress. Basically, more positive investments/interest and less negative. All within your control: thoughts and actions. Which can and does influence one’s emotions and therefore acceptance.
Looking back, it’s funny how “over” I am. And believe me, I didn’t feel it when slogging through it. I can see how I got here, and remember how occluded it was at the time. That’s life, one’s past is the path travelled. One just has to turn and they can see it laid out. Like stones laid down, each step, each turn, each avoiding/overcoming of obstacles, each hill and valley. The future is not so.
In my metaphorical imagination my path is smooth gray stones. Each one mostly uniform with rounded corners, though not circular. Like footprints, the stones are staggered and the path is two stones wide. My present location, my path is in a forest. There is plenty of space with little undergrowth, and the path curves around the large trees. The sun beams through the canopy above and browns and greens are lit up in the mottled yellow patchwork of light.
Looking forward, there are trees and beauty in all directions. There is plenty of room around all the trees and the ground is soft pleasant dirt/grass. I can easily continue placing stones in any direction it seems. I’ve no particular obstacles I need to go around or avoid, and no particular destination or direction I place the next stone.
My future, the next stone, is mostly an extension of what has come before. I’ve accumulated enough of my new and better path, that even staring backwards, I have difficultly seeing/feeling the old and painful times. Present day decisions are made without any involvement of BD and my “old” situation.
I’m still divorced, and single, and XW is still with OM, and she has basically nothing to do with the kids, and I’m over my situation.
In my situation, nothing has changed, and everything has. That’s the gift of acceptance.
Do go to the beach, within the next four days. You don’t have to swim, if it is too cold. Just go and walk in the sand. Purposeful effort. Craft your wonderful present and past. Take control. Lay down a stone with purpose. It will shift your heading and future.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
As for me I'm still living in the camper, working 2 jobs he gives me no financial assistance. Hoping to find a better job this summer so I can afford to get out and just work 1 job. It's kinda hard to find a job that pays good when u don't really have any skills. I mean the last 30 yrs I've been a wife and mother, but I have some leads. There hasn't been anymore action as far as the "D" word is concerned, we're going on 8 months since papers were filed.
Oh the strange mirroring going on. Similarities and opposites. My W moved herself out of our home. First to a campground and tent for weeks and then to a 5th wheel camper she chose and I paid for from our joint accounts. I did not ask her to. I simply said it is incredibly disrespectful to bring OM, just online mind you, into my HOME. And I am not comfortable with it. She just messaged me one day saying I'm staying at the campground now. She came back during daytimes.
She has been a SAHM and homeschooling since kids, but prior she was a active duty military officer. After kids she stayed in the military reserves until her 20 year mark, where she has an impressive resume. She has a Masters degree.
Now? No job, but trying side gigs dog walking, online editor for hire, uber eats, selling crafts at festivals, etc... almost no income. She signed up for and seems focused on a second Masters degree in a subject with no income potential...
Whatlee, I would suggest after 30 years of wife and mother, you DO have skills. Just not as easy to define on a resume. I the words of someone else, think about your "talent stack." What are the things you are good at? What are the talents that were required as wife and mother? How can you combine them into a talent stack that is useful in different ways or jobs?
I've had to evaluate potential hires for my team in the past. More than their resume listings to be qualified, I looked for how well their attitude and work ethic would fit into my team. I suggest you present yourself that way to places you might like to work. The technical qualifications can often be filled in later. Getting someone who works well with a particular workplace team is a higher priority. You can do it. Don't discount your lifetime skills.
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/2023 DB1 4/2023 DB1 rescinded 5/2023 DB2 6/2023 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-4 & W moves out 8/2023 – 2/2024 Draft settlement 3/2024
Struggling today, almost feel like I'm the one in MLC. Just want to withdraw/run away. Had a good week last week and now I've just hit a wall. The thought of a possible OW drives me crazy, it's all I can see in my mind. Went to church yesterday(as I do every Sunday) the preacher had a good message on relationships(hit hard on marriage). I find myself hoping he is at church as well(1-church 26-campuses) and he's gonna hear the same message and things are gonna change instantly. When they don't discouragement sets in and I know it's just the devil trying to get me off my game and make me lose hope. Helps to b able to come here and "journal with feedback"😂
