Stew is done! H finally came in. Noticed the football game on tv and walked over and sat down on the couch. I didn't say anything, I just put food on my plate and sat down at the table. He got up and put food on his plate, sat down across from me, and we ate, and even talked a little and he made a joke about the bread. It all turned out just fine. Moral of the story - don't let yourself stew about what might happen when the steak and potatoes and corn are still cooking.
Oh, and I should explain why he was outside so late? Remember the hay stacks that I couldn't let get to zero? they get to zero now. I'm not rushing out to do it all myself. If it gets low or runs out, it's not 100% my problem. I'm busy too, this is a joint effort to run this place. I never signed on for single duty.
Seemed a little weird to be so traditional tonight in husband and wife rolls. I had supper cooking and did chores, H worked outside and when he came we both ate. And then I did dishes while he went and sat on the couch and watched football playoffs. Traditional has hardly ever been traditional for us.
It's just this nagging feeling that I can't shake.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Today I am working on ignoring my overwhelming urges of sadness. While I look for and see baby steps and signs of progress, I just don't know how this will ever come back or move forward to something real for us. Sure, yesterday H opened a door for me and bought me a flavored coffee. Is that just being polite, or is it a sign of a marriage working? come on, really? When we are by ourselves, he is Eyeore. When he talks on the phone or interacts with other folks, he is Mr. Congeniality. He's a great guy, that's what everyone sees. With very few exception. I even got an email from a friend of ours talking about some groups we are involved with, and how H is one of the most ethical people out of the whole dang bunch! That is how people see him, that is his reputation, that is how he is perceived. People all know he is a great guy. And so do I. I know he is a wonderful person. Except when it comes to me. And it makes me so sad.
aynesr, you say your W doesn't have IT for you, and she can't live without IT anymore. I believe my H is the same. He has never said he doesn't love me, he has never asked for a divorce, he has never given me the Big Talk. He just continues to work his way out of my life and our marriage a little piece at a time. Baby steps out. What he has said is that he doesn't know, he doesn't think, he can ever feel 'that way' again.
What do I do? keep plugging away. I don't know what else to do. I'll keep trying to be a person that he wants to love again, that he can feel IT for me. I hope there are some signs lurking in the future, something that I can see bigger than buying me a cup of coffee.(yes, I said thank you) I need more to hang on too. A simple hug would be nice.
We are both headed off to a meeting now. The first 45 minutes of the ride will be silence while it is just 2 of us, then we pick up other people, and H will be funny and interactive with them. It will hurt me, because he can't or won't treat me as good as a friend.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: People all know he is a great guy. And so do I. I know he is a wonderful person.
When was the last time you told him you thought so?
I know this is something that is huge for my SO. Words of Affirmation are his #1 LL. It is really obvious -- so much so that he gives himself WOA all the time!
People like being with people who help them feel good about themselves. What are you doing to help your H feel good about himself?
Just a little food for thought, to go along with that yummy cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!
I don't think I've ever posted to you, but I've been following your recent threads. The way you describe your current sitch reminds me a lot of my own in between the first bomb and my H moving out 10 months later. I know how it feels to be scared to put yourself too much out there with your H because of the possible rejection. But, I really think you need to step it up in a big way if you really want to have a mutually happy M rather than the way it currently is. One of you will reach a breaking point sooner or later and at that point it will be much more difficult.
You said how your H is totally different with you versus when he's around friends/family--could he say the same about you right now? Are you acting just as reserved around him as he is you? If so, stop. Act "as if" he's your friend and stop walking on eggshells in your interactions. Chit-chat with him about all the things you would talk to anyone else about. Find some jokes and interject one during one of those deafening silences I'm sure you have. Keep your mood as upbeat as you can. What are some things you used to do when your M was good? (teasing him, telling him about some gossip about mutual friends, etc.) Start doing them again.
Basically, figure out all the non-physical ways you used to interact with him before and start doing them again. Yeah, it will feel forced from you, but try not to project that outwardly. And you'll probably fall flat a few times, but keep on trucking and if you get a negative or a blah reaction from him, let it roll off your back and try again and again.
It's like a movie, where someone is hanging by their fingers off a cliff and the other person reaches out their hand to try to pull them back up. Usually, they can't grab them the first time. But, they don't get immediately discouraged and walk off leaving the other person to eventually die. They regroup and stretch further and further until they can pull the other person back to safety.
You and your H have a wide gap between you. One of you (you, since you're here!) needs to start figuring out big ways to close that gap.
I remember when my sitch was similar and I was so guarded and scared that if I pushed too hard that my H would bolt. So, I just went about my business and acted friendly in hopes that the ice surrounding him would melt on its own and he would meet my halfway. It didn't and he didn't and I wish like hell now, that I had put myself out there more. No possible rejection then would have hurt half as bad as the day he told me 10 months later that he couldn't live like roommates anymore and he was moving out. So, if you want a hug from him, go get one. Yeah, you may only get a half-hearted one in return, but do it anyway. And keep doing it. Sometime, walk over to him and plant on big one on him and then sashay away like you don't have a care in the world. Shake things up and stretch out that hand of yours.
Well, there's my 2 cents.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Hi WCW. I fell upon your thread...I haven't looked at your old links yet, but I noticed a few things we have in common. You are working on being less controlling - I have been working on this as well. It's so hard, but I've learned to bite my lips many, many times. Something else I do is ask my H opinion about something - even small things & agree with what he says no matter what I really think. It's all in our actions. We have to show them we've changed. I try to tell myself that it's just a "preference" not a "need" to feel in control & have things go the way I would do it/want it.
Something else that caught my eye was your interest in seduction. HardHead gave some interesting suggestions on my thread. I would give a link, but I don't know how to set it up. I don't feel like I can follow through with a lot of his suggestions at this point though, but I liked. From what I gather you and your H are living in the same house and are piecing things back together so they may work well for you.
What I've decided is that seduction begins in the mind. I stick with the suggestions that Shocked gave and I do things like take a bubble bath with candles & wine & leave them in the bathroom so H will see it & give him a few images to think about. I have upped the conversations with sexual undertones lately and H has responded well - he's been comfortable & even carried on with them. I sometimes change clothes with the door open so H can sneek a peek if he wants. Once I was changing in the bathroom & realized I left my shirt in the bedroom. H and I were talking, so I walked through to the bedroom in my jeans & bra pausing to make a comment in our converstion - his eyes were glued to me I have really tried to think back to what it would be like dating someone (not that I ever tried to seduce someone, wasn't the chasing type). And you definately have to keep them wanting more. I'd love to hear anything you've tried and get suggestions from you.
WCW I asked you some questions in my thread. Like I said there I've got lots of ideas. Lets figure out what you need to do. Hopefulmommy and Nicole are giving you great advise. Particularly looking to Nicole, I would like to second what she has to say. If you walk on egg shells and give him space and "let him go" that's what will likely happen. I am not suggesting that rejection won't hurt, but would you rather be turned down on the little things today, or have him move out in a few months? Turst me I would do anything to still have my H at home. Answer these questions What are the things that you have been in charge of? What kind of guy is/was he? I'll check back soon
Jeez, go a weekend without Internet connection and the whole world passes you by!
I'm just posting to add you to my favorites. No time to say much now. But, you are seeing so many babysteps after so many weeks of nothing. That's great!
Ok, looks like I have lots of homework to do, I'll be back for that.
Opti - I suppose you're busy in that new house? when's the housewarming party?
Yesterday went pretty much like I figured. I did a little conversation while it was just H and I, but I'm just not a chattykathy person,never have been, especially when I have to carry both ends of the conversation. Ha! there's an idea, have the whole conversation with myself while he just sits there. I could even insert the answers I want to hear from him!
Last night we got home later in the evening, I went out to do chores, but H never came out. Not like it's his responsibility to do them at night, that's my half, but I just thought it was weird he never even walked outside. When I got done I didn't feel like going inside yet, so I went for a walk with the dogs. Felt good. When I did go inside I got to work on some of the items from our meeting, as well as some of the other stuff I'm working on for this weeks project deadline. I was up quite late, H went to sleep on the couch again. But as soon as I went to bed, he was awake. And this morning he was up to use the bathroom before I took a shower. So..drum roll....I knew he was already up, I went and asked if he'd like to join me for a shower (for those of you just joining, we always showered together, then quit, then did again, then H quit again), H said 'guess not'. I asked if he wasn't showering today, he said he took two this weekend and didn't want to wash his sweet off. I agreed, sure wouldn't want to do that. I went and took a long hot shower. Usually I dash thru to save plenty of hot water for H, he takes long showers. When I was finished I put my robe on, I walked back out and H was making coffee. He ignored me, I finally tapped him on the shoulder, he wouldn't turn to me but said 'what?' I said I'd like a hug. He turned half way with his best look of 'I don't want to hug you or touch you or be close to you', I hugged him, he left his arms at his side. I made it last a little bit. Went and got dressed and prepared to leave for work. Of course H couldn't go take a shower while I was still home, afterall, he said he didn't want to wash his sweet off. So he was sitting at the kitchen table, and made a comment about a magazine he was looking at. Then he had to walk away from me and around the counter, just in case I would ask for another hug I would have to really chase him. So I just said, 'see ya later, thanks for the hug.' I didn't hear a response from him, but he did make eye contact.
I broke the ice. Maybe not the right way, but without a direct approach like I did, I just can't keep up with how good he is at avoiding me. And he now knows I'll be coming back for more, so it will be even harder. But like you have all suggested, I think I'd rather go down giving it all my best try, than just standing by watching it slide away.
And, I am getting some packets of sweetener to put in the bathroom for H with a little note "apply after showering."
More later. Thank you all!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I know that I still have some catching up to do, I am probably more of a pest than a help, but now you are stuck with me. Have you listened to the KLA tapes/CD's, if so have you listened to them lately, If you got them, pop them in.
Quote: I broke the ice. Maybe not the right way, but without a direct approach like I did, I just can't keep up with how good he is at avoiding me. And he now knows I'll be coming back for more, so it will be even harder. But like you have all suggested, I think I'd rather go down giving it all my best try, than just standing by watching it slide away.
So does this mean you are committing to trying this forward approach for 2 or 3 weeks? I know you've been through this approach before, but did you stick with it for at least a couple weeks before you backed off? Just wondering. I suppose it could be the wrong approach. But, like you said, GO DOWN FIGHTING!!!! Not touching him certainly hasn't worked.
H finally came in. Noticed the football game on tv and walked over and sat down on the couch. I didn't say anything, I just put food on my plate and sat down at the table. He got up and put food on his plate, sat down across from me, and we ate, and even talked a little and he made a joke about the bread. It all turned out just fine. Moral of the story - don't let yourself stew about what might happen when the steak and potatoes and corn are still cooking. 
I have really tried to think back to what it would be like dating someone (not that I ever tried to seduce someone, wasn't the chasing type). And you definately have to keep them wanting more. I'd love to hear anything you've tried and get suggestions from you. 
