Hopefully I can get your attention because I have a question for you that I know you can help answer or at least add some knowledge on.
You may be familiar with my story, but if not, I'll give you a short description of what happened and where my waw and I are now.
About 15/16 months ago, my W started visiting/talking/writing her ex-fiance who's been in prison for the last 15 years on 2nd degree murder charges. I didn't know this at that time, but sensed the distance between us. I found out after being separated from her for about 3 or 4 months. He shot a Man in a heated argument in the parking lot of a bar. He was engaged to be married to my now W. I rejoined my W 5 years after that incident and we started to date. I say "rejoined", because we were very close friends in HS, but not lovers and I've known her since she was 16 years old. I had not seen her for about 10 years prior to us dating and at that time she was dating this man so our encounters were very casual. She insisted during our dating phase that she was "over" him and that she was very much in love with me. We did have a loving courtship and M up until 15/16 months ago. However, I realize I didn't pay as much attention to her as I should have and took her for granted at times.
Fast forward 15 years later and this OM is up for parole. W says she is not happy with me, loves me, but not in love, etc, etc. She starts an EA with this man. His Family members intervened in our marriage and reconnect her with him in prison. She insist they are an upstanding Christian family (yeah, OK!). I move out and this OM is denied parole and is not back up for it until 11/07. He got 15 years to life. W was devastated at the time, but seems in limbo now. Now W says she is confused, but still doesn't have intimate feelings for me but does still care for me. I'm Ok with where we are now, because I've been at it so long. We're pretty detached from each other for the most part, but are cordial and polite to one another. Occasionally She still has problems with her anger, not just towards me, but to situations that come up in her life (job, her family, our S6, etc) but I've learned when and how to stay clear of that.
My question to you is do you believe this EA could be stronger than your typical MLC A or any other A in general? Granted, I've been married to her 8 years, together 10 and have known her about 27 years.
I can't get a true reading of her commitment to him and I wouldn't dare question her, She'd lie anyway, but do you think her relationship could last indefinitely with him whether he gets out anytime soon or not?
I know my situation is bizarre to say the least, but there is no closure from her end and I'm starting to feel I'm putting my own closure to it. Even so, these question still burns in my mind and I hope you can add some insight from your personal experience.
M - 45 W - 44 S6 & SS13 Separated 12/05, emotionally detached for about 15/16 months.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
That's what can get a person every time. I know because when I was 19 I was terribly "in love" with someone. We were like two peas in a pod. Unfortunately for me, he was married to a friend of mine. I went into the Air Force to get away from the temptation and all those feelings I couldn't comprehend at such a young age. Once I came back home for good, we all drifted apart naturally. They had become extremely dysfunctional.
I got married and I loved my husband dearly but I recall a phone conversation with my Aunt in which I said "there is only one person in the world that would ever be a threat to my marriage". I then named that person, whom my Aunt also knew. I had no idea the power in those words. A few years later, in MLC and already lost, guess who the enemy brought back to me? Yep. HIM. Newly single and stone cold sober. Whatever part of me wasn't already a mess soon became one. All those emotions from all those years ago, coupled with the personal stuff I was lost in, wrecked my marriage. As you have no doubt heard, the enemy often comes as an angel of Light and my would be hero soon became a full-out stalker.
Can an emotional affair be more devastating than your run-of-the-mill-I-just-met-him-and-sparks-flew affair? You better believe it.
What you have going for YOU, though, is the fact that her EA is not based on reality, but on her feelings from the past...and what might have been. This will run it's course. But they won't end up together and my bet is your wife is in for a whole lot of new regrets...
It was just the other night that my Grandmother said to me that I had to go "there"...I had to find out that my particular OM was not the man of my dreams. That was the only way I would ever realize that my husband WAS.
Yes, I understand. I'm so glad you answered me. Your experience is so close to my W's.
I kind of sensed way back when I was dating her that this Man wasn't completely out of her life and he would resurface at some point. I just didn't pay attention to the red flags because I loved her so much.
Her last volunteered comments on him were that she still cared about him, but wasn't in love with him. She now says she's confused and just wants to be left alone, that she's fine on her own. I'm not sure what to believe from her anymore, but I've accepted "what is" and am finding myself moving on more and more each day.
What makes this so difficult is she really hasn't had the chance to see "what if" because the Man did not get paroled and this could go on for years. She really didn't get to experience this Man on the outside, so her question of "what if" has not been answered. I'm not going to want to deal with this situation every time this Man is up for parole.
I know we could have had so much joy together into the future and that's what makes this situation so sad. I have no choice but to move on with my life.
Thanks Amy!
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
She could work this out within herself without him ever coming out of prison. If your wife is typically a level-headed woman, I think she probably will.
Give her what she has asked for. Let her be alone.
Yes, that's good advice and I have been giving her what she's asked for about the last year. We really have had very limited contact.
I've taken the focus off of her long ago. My biggest challenge now is my own self doubt about us. I'm having second thoughts about us now and it scares me sometimes to think what my reaction would be if she did indeed want to reconcile. I'm really starting to move on and I sense that window of opportunity slipping more each day. I know I would always love her, but I don't know if I want to be with her again if that makes any sense to you.
Maybe I don't have the staying power I thought I would at the beginning of this ordeal. I know from some of your previous post that you felt this way at times as well. Space and time are starting to chip away at my resolve. My strength and focus is spent on so many different things other than my WAW right now. I've always been a motivated and goal oriented person and tend to get caught up in so many different projects and aspects of my life. I guess I'm saying I no longer put such a high priority on saving my marriage anymore and that makes me feel guilty sometimes. I feel selfish that I want to get on with my life.
It's ironic that I'm the one feeling guilty over this, isn't it?
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I do understand exactly what you are saying because I believe it was feelings just like you are describing that led to my husband deciding he was not coming back home this time.
"Ironic" that you're feeling guilty? Not so much. Since you're the one deciding not to believe. I suppose for some that's easier to live with than it is to stand and confess when you see no evidence of what you're believing for.
Quote: living with the regret of something you alone decided is exceedingly difficult. So just choose wisely.
That thought hits home for me in so many ways. I'm really struggling with it. I don't ask advice on it because I know it's my decision alone to make.
I've been casually dating the last three months (no sex). I'm doing other things in life I always wanted to do. I'm really starting to feel "normal" for the first time in a long time. I don't know if some could understand that, but after being in limbo for so long it's great to feel "normal" again. I really started to make some new and very interesting friends (male and female) and have been involved in several projects (civic/charity/professional) that I've really enjoyed. All this time, my WAW is still very much in her coma (for lack of a better description). She's like an Alzheimer patient that I feel obligated to take care of instead of wanting to be with. Can you understand that feeling?
I feel myself starting to pull away and I never thought I would be at that point when this all began, I tried so hard to save my M and so much time has passed, so I'm struggling with that very concept... regret!
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
