Here are a few quotes that mean a lot to me personally. Please take some time to really read and think about the meaning behind these statements. I REPEAT read, reread and let these quotes sink in for awhile and then respond later on your own thread.
"Happiness is not something we passively receive, but something we actively do. The greatest barrier to happiness is our failure to understand what it is and how to do it" Frank Pittman
"Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action" Benjamin Disraeli.
"What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of him. What he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost, but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by him."
and "Again and again I therefore admonish my students in Europe and America: Don't aim at success - the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long-run - in the long-run, I say! - success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think about it."
Victor Frankl Holocaust survivor and author of "Man's Search for Meaning"
"What do you take me for, an idiot?" - General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy
Happiness, the million dollar question. Being in a SSM cause unhappiness. But we need to be happier to take the pressure off the LD spouse, and to make ourselves more attractive. That is really tough.
So what I am figuring out is that happiness can NOT be a goal, it just happens, if you are lucky.
Does finding your manly goal in life actually give happiness, not necessarily. Men are in life for the challenge, and the challenge may inlcude never being happy.
From what I have read from Chrisitan readings is that GOD does not care if we are happy. This is NOT his priority. Happiness is SELF centered. What he wants for us is JOY. Joy comes from GIVING, and apparently THAT is the true purpose of marriage, and thus what I must focus on. Wild at heart more or less supports this assumption, we are to find our manly goal, to pursue it, and if we are lucky, happiness will result, but we must NEVER give up, even if we NEVER achieve the happiness part. Many of the chosen few in the Bible have nothing but HARDSHIP their entire lives, they are NEVER given happiness by God. But they receive JOY through their tribulations and are made better people for it.
Fearless, from your qoutes, it is apparent that I must NOT focus on being happy, it just happens, if you are lucky. It can not be achieved. It is achieved only when the wife responds to my actions to be manly, but she may NEVER respond. From a Chrisian perspective, my marriage is going to suck, but too bad. I am not relieved of MY responsibility because of this.
My responsibility is to be a man for my wife and children. I may never be happy again and maybe I should not even TRY to be happy, their are to be more important things in my life.
Wow, it really sucks to face reality, to know that we may be tested for the REST of our lives, that we have to accept failure from our spouses, that we may have to give up everything that we want.
Even though I must not SEEK happiness, i must do something to relieve that pressure from my wife. I must find some way to be happy enough for her so that I do not appear needy. She knows she is failing, I must not pile onto that.
So be happy(as can be) while not seeking happiness, because it can not be sought.
Well Cemar I don't mean to be that much of a downer!!!
While I do not view happiness as a particular goal in my life, people who know me and meet me always seem to comment how happy I seem. Even when I was separated from my xH the first time, people at work had no clue of the inner turmoil. And surprisingly there were many things that were happy in my life. Obviously I was all alone and on top of that I kind of hated my job. But I was focused on doing the best I could at work, I had met a great friend at work and we had a lot of fun together, I worked with some great people, I lived in a great house, I tried to use my alone time (focused on the benefit as much as possible) to nurture MY soul - less TV, less alcohol, quietness, eating on my schedule, etc.
Maybe the point is not so much to give up on happiness, just do not fixate on NEEDING it. Happiness is one of the things you sometimes look back on and realize later rather than right at the moment.
or think about this, what if you changed what you thought you needed to be happy? What if it made you happy to have an answer when your wife asks what your plans are for the weekend? What if your plan for the weekend is something that gives you pride in yourself? What if what you decide to do is something you are giving yourself?
Quote:
Life is not easy.
"Of course it's hard, it's supposed to be hard. It's the hard that makes it great. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it" from League of Their Own
Just think you and everyone here IS truly doing something GREAT. Maybe I am corny but just thinking that made ME smile.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Have you told your wife about your needs? If so what was her response?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Have you told your wife you aren't happy? Is she blind to this? I see this time and time again on here with men who seem scared or intimidated by their wives. They won't or seem to refuse to take an aggresive stand. So just curious how have you handled this with your wife?
Fearless, from your qoutes, it is apparent that I must NOT focus on being happy, it just happens, if you are lucky. It can not be achieved. It is achieved only when the wife responds to my actions to be manly, but she may NEVER respond. From a Chrisian perspective, my marriage is going to suck, but too bad. I am not relieved of MY responsibility because of this.
My responsibility is to be a man for my wife and children. I may never be happy again and maybe I should not even TRY to be happy, their are to be more important things in my life.
Where are the violins? Holey Moley Cemar, you are quite the martyr.
You need to change your attitude to change your M. I think that about sums it up.
Have you heard of "The Secret"? If not read it. It's not a book on relationships or sex and it doesn't go against religious beliefs, but it does talk about receiving back what you put out there. You put out such negativity...that that's what you receive back in return...negative things. Sounds cosmic huh? Well in a way it is, but it's also true...I've seen this dynamic turn around in my own life...because "I" changed what I put out there.
Changing YOUR attitude opens yourself up to new possibilities, it opens YOU up to receiving good things back to you...if you put good things out there, such as positive thoughts and actions to go with those positive thoughts.
I've seen this work myself, but YOU have to do it for it to work.
Let me ask you another question. What do you think you'd do with yourself on any given day were you to give up on restoring 'passion' in your marriage? Serioulsy. Not being pissy or critical.
