As a father, I want to do whatever I can to minimize the chance that my daughter (or my son-in-law) will end up in the same fix that many of the posters on this board suffer through. I want my daughter to grow up to enjoy sex and share a close and happy marriage with the father of my grandchildren, but not do anything stupid between now and then.
The basic message I want to get across goes something like this: "Sex is a truly wonderful thing. Unfortunately, in this society, you'll have to spend the next several years without the rights or the education needed to care for a child properly, to recognize and choose a suitable marriage partner, or to be a suitable marriage partner, and just about everyone that's allowed to touch you is going to generally act like an idiot because they don't have any rights or education either and thus have no real reason to act any differently. So you'll have to be damn careful and your best bet is to hold out as much as you can possibly stand to. But after you get your rights and your education and you find that special someone, an important way to keep each other happy and keep your marriage strong is to ML like rabbits. Enjoy yourselves. Don't go into the bedroom with a big (metaphorical) stick up your a$$; relax and get into it and experiment and have fun. Don't be afraid to tell each other how it is for you so you can each learn how to make the other happy and keep each other happy. Make time to be alone together and enjoy each other even when you're busy. And for the love of God please don't take even the slightest chance on making a baby with a stupid person; there's already too many idiots in the world."
But after reading through this thread, I get the impression that coming out and saying all of this might be inappropriate and might give her all kinds of weird mental blocks about the whole subject, which is the exact opposite of what I want.
So the women here are invited to comment on what their parents did, or could have done, that would have given them a healthy attitude toward what should be everyone's favorite contact sport.
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 03/19/0704:43 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
But after reading through this thread, I get the impression that coming out and saying all of this might be inappropriate and might give her all kinds of weird mental blocks about the whole subject, which is the exact opposite of what I want.
Yeah, it would be inappropriate to state it explicitly like that before they are at least 21 (or ever)!
BUT the underlying message is the one you do want to get across. So I think you raise a great question of how to do it.
Since I believe you pretty much described my attitude with sex, I can tell you in a nutshell how I THINK (no way to really know for sure) I came to be this way.
First, my dad never said anything directly to me about sex - positive or negative.
Second my mom did. She did enjoy sex and while she was never ever graphic or specific (Thank God!). She did explicitly, repeatedly and comfortably (comfortable for her not me necessarily:) state to me that sex was wonderful and that she and Dad enjoyed it immensely.
Third, my dad did show physical contact with my mom. Also although they had very little money, he did pick a bouquet of flowers from the field for her (still does), go on walks with her alone, teased her gently and kindly, acknowledged her feelings even if he did not really understand them, etc.
And fourth, a harder one for society today, being raised on a farm gives you a first hand view of sex all the time!! Nothing like having to recognize a cow in standing heat, inform your dad and help him with the AI (artificial insemination) to really understand what sex resulted in!!
I'd like to think about this more and hopefully hear from others on what their experience tells them.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
You probably should pick up a book on this, but here are my thoughts....
10 or 11 is a CRITICAL point in a girl's development. Her body is starting to change and she's having all sorts of feelings about it. I remember initally feeling excited about the changes. It's a confusing time too, especially if she develops early, because really she's still a child.
At this point, the best thing for you to do is to keep treating her the same that you always have. Don't say anything about how her body is changing (unless she brings it up, in which case you just tell her you think it's wonderful that she's growing up and you're really proud of her), but don't avoid her either. Just be a kind dad. This will give her the message that what's happening to her is good and normal and something to be proud of.
Regarding talking about sex, pregnancy and so forth, it might be better if your wife talked to her (if she hasn't already), unless your wife is really uncomfortable talking about sex. I would say that you could talk about it too if you and and your daughter were comfortable with it. Either way, be honest, but do not talk about your own sex life or those of people you know. (No parent should do this.) Just explain it all in a matter-of-fact, kind way and let her know that she can ask you anything.
You and your wife are demonstrating what an adult relationship is like. Children need to see that their parents love and respect each other. They need to see their parents interact with kindness, affection, and humor. If she has observed a healthy relationship between her parents, she is more likely to engage in healthy relationships herself.
Well guys, in my situation at home I can tell you it was the behavior I saw my parents display that lead me to understand that sex was a good & healthy thing in a relationship.
Sure, my mother was open clinically about it with me (she was an RN), but she never said anything about it being good/healthy, neither did my Dad (that would have just wierded me out back then.)
It was my role-models that taught me that sex was good/healthy/appropriate/fun/loving. It was watching my parents be loving with each other, playfully teasing each other in different ways, and being openly affectionate with each other.
So teach them by example....so to speak. They don't have to know exactly what does/doesn't go on in your bedroom for you to be openly affectionate and foster that understanding. If your W will allow open affection and doesn't make sex out to be a bad thing to your daughters....then IMPO, you have a good start. Are you able to do that?
We've definitely turned up the affection over the last few months. So I'll make sure that we keep it up where the kids can see us as well as where they can't see us.
I'm not sure where kids get the idea that sex is something Not To Be Talked About in households where the parents don't believe that. I guess it's like a lot of other things... you don't have to really understand it, just accept it. My daughter in particular absolutely hates any mention of the subject, and I wonder (a) where that came from and (b) what kind of notions she's picking up if she's so adamantly against getting her notions from us. Hopefully this leading by example business will be enough to get her through.
Originally Posted By: fearless
And fourth, a harder one for society today, being raised on a farm gives you a first hand view of sex all the time!! Nothing like having to recognize a cow in standing heat, inform your dad and help him with the AI (artificial insemination) to really understand what sex resulted in!!
A year or so ago we were dogsitting and the neighbor's dog decided to play with our dog right there in the living room. Our daughter completely flipped out, screamed at the neighbor's dog, and ran and hid in her room. She knew in a general sense what the dogs were up to, and we had NEVER implied that sex was anything shameful, dirty, or evil, and yet she already somehow had a sense that the neighbor's dog was doing something dreadfully wrong.
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 03/19/0708:25 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Unfortunately Eddie...kids will draw their conclusions from a variety of places: parents, friends, schoolmates, media etc.
You can have two children raised in the exact same manner and they can grow up with different views on different issues...one may have a healthy view of sex, while the other thinks it's something icky and dirty.
You have limited control over that...all YOU can do is set the best example for them that you can. IMPO being openly affectionate in front of your children is showing them that behavior like that is good, acceptable, fun, and part of a loving relationship. Of course being open and honest with them should they ask questions is a great thing as well. I at least knew that "if" I were to ask my folks questions that they would be open with me and tell me the truth. I knew that was true of both of my parents as well.
Just a quick suggestion of a book that I've read... it's by Debra Haffner and called "Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens from Middle School to High School and Beyond". This book deals with sexuality from ages 12-21, I believe. And the precursor, "From Diapers to Dating: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children" deals with ages 0-11.
I have read the adolescent book, and I really liked a lot of the ideas and info in there. Some was a little overwhelming and scary for the mother of 2 girls, but I want to be proactive with my children as well.
Wow...what a good father you are. And yet...it's too early or weird for a discussion with her.
But...you CAN teach her sooooooooo many things that will lead to a great foundation for her.
You teach her in the way you treat your wife (I haven't read your threads...if you are divorced...then girlfriend).
How YOU treat HER and how YOU treat your WIFE/GIRLFRIEND will be what teaches her more than your words.
If you show care and respect and protection of your woman and daughter, she will expect those things from her guy. And she will respond with what she's been SHOWN, not TOLD.
My parents' marriage fell apart because my dad's alcoholism. But he taught me that a guy calls early in the week, picks a girl up, meets her parents, feeds her, treats her well, returns her home, walks her to the door, shows her she's #1.
I know enough from my almost 50 years to know that goes a LONG way in showing a woman she's special.
How did my dad teach me those things? He didn't lecture me as much as tell me stories of his dating experience and I watched him open the door for my mom, take her dancing and tell me how great she was.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
