LFL'S Next Thread

[LustForLife]

Thread locked up.

Heywre said:

No, I am not happy but I am working towards that and I truly believe I will get there one day soon. Life is a journey, not always a nice one. I have been married for 18 years and most of them I would have to say were extremely unpleasant, to say the least. But I still love him and aside from the fact I have the same desire as you do (to be the "emotional sexy woman" I truly believe I am) it isn't going to happen right now, or even close to the near future. But, I guess I am willing to put my HD desires aside because when it comes right down to it, I am not about to give up all the other wonderful things about my H that I don't think I would ever find in just one man - he is definitely one in a billion
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I can see your points Heywyre but I don't know if I want to live the rest of my life in a SSM. And you even admitted most of your M has been unhappy, dealing with A's, the whole mess. Why do you put up with that? Love? To me that is not love. That is commitment (but only on your part). Don't you ever wonder what else is out there for you? A man who will love cherish and desire you without hurting you so much? I know no one person is going to be perfect but it makes me question what I really want and need out of life. Right now, I want my kids to have and mom and dad in the same house. So I plug away. But you are older now, and you still stay. I'm not questioning as much as thinking about what I am going to do when the kids are older. Will I still feel like I should be with H? Will it all be enough?
I don't know. Just rambling.
LFL

[LustForLife]

Stigmata said:

I didn't mean to sound so self-righteous, Lust. I am very very flawed in my own right. But I am trying to make myself into a better man. To me, being a better man means respecting another man's troubled M when I have a relatively recent direct intimate connection with his W.
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Thanks Stig. We are all flawed in our own way. And I respect your efforts to be a better person. The thing is, it's easy to write things on this open forum and say what we would do if and when blah blah blah, but that is not always reality ya know?
OM is a guy not too different than lots of the Alpha males on this board. He shared with me that his W ended up cheating on him and that was that. He must have taken the "Nop approach" because he didn't want to hear any excuses from her and proceeded to D court. So he's not totally without boundaries. I know that is why he asked me right away, "are you D?" because he was never really comfortable dating me in the first place only being S at the time. But he did date me because...well...I like to tell myself I was just too good to pass by.
So enough about that.
We all do things sometimes that may not be the smartest choices. I just get annoyed when people act like they are beyond reproach and well, I know different. There are plenty of men on this board who have contacted me through email (and women too of course). Is that ok? I don't think so. I don't have any way for people to contact me anymore. No email attached. For me, I need to separate this "world" from my IRL world. Otherwise, it's too easy for people to say things that become "secretive" and that takes me (at least) down a bad path.
SO that base is covered.
I'm thinking about telling H about the OM email. My IRL friends think this is a mistake. I'm still trying to sort it out. Just throwing it out there for now.
LFL

[RedHeadWife]

LFL, have lots of time to think these days after the boys go to bed Can't GAL much w/ H gone & the boys so don't think I'm too wierd for thinking about other people's sitch's as well as my own -- including yours.

Is part of it just boredom? And then you got the email from OG (we'll call him "other guy" since he's not really OM) and it awakens the excitement and you start thinking about what you had w/ him that you don't have w/ H and so now you are kind of (for lack of a better word) dwelling on that?

Neither of us are SAHM's, but I know I was stuck in the "mom rut." It's a hard place to get out of. It's hard to GAL when you have the kids to take care of and everything else that goes along w/ it. I'm not complaining necessarily, love my boys, but you know what I'm talking about.

And for you I guess it does come down to is that you seem to absolutely love your H and your SL is where it's lacking right? Are there other things that you could try to do to amp it up? Maybe not to the point of H being uncomfortable, but try to get it to some sort of happy medium?

[LustForLife]

One more Stigmata comment:


But ya gotta try and let go of 2004. He F'd up and he knows it. And it wasn't even in order to go off and bang his secretary or the like, which would have made your sitch 1,000x harder/more resentful.

You've come a long way. Maybe you can focus on how far you've already come instead of looking at how far away your level of happiness lies.

And you've helped me more than you can ever imagine with both your experience and how a woman with an addictive-compulsive personality (like x) thinks/acts.
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Well...thanks...I think.
About 2004, I really don't hold much resentment for that at all. I smidgen maybe. But that is really not the underlying problem and I am very aware of that fact. The issue is I am M to a man who is my best friend, not my lover. Not the worst possible M scenario. Some people like to tell me to suck it up. But for me, that sexual disconnect means a lot. And again, it's not the sex per se, but the lack of assertiveness on my H's part (that is obvious in the SL of course) but present in all of our interactions. That lack of assertiveness happens to morph into passive-aggressiveness and sometimes outright escapism, as with his leaving. So it's a larger issue than our sexual disconnect.
LFL

[LustForLife]

Southerngirl said:

I'm not saying "sacrifice yourself for your kids", by the way. I'm only saying that, no matter what you chose, you'll never get that perfect throw back. Every choice you make will be a compromise. Chose one, and let their ball drop, or not.
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I'm letting this one sink in. Thanks.

[LustForLife]

Blackfoot said:

Keep doing what doesnt work. Thats sensible.

I post and talk about how doing nothing is a terrible idea, not leading and not taking control of your life is terribly unattractive. Ive handed it out on the tip of a 2x4 on occasion. That being said, I completely comprehend your H, LFL and Choc. Being forced to 'top her top' is not doing him a favor, and is not attractive. There is zero appreciation and respect shown with that behavior. It would be nice to see some of the ladies in the know, point it out. If there are no ladies in the Know, that has merit too.

Try something that works, like showing some honesty that makes you vulnerable.
Like asking him to post here.
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I appreciate your points BF. The irony is, I do think I am a fairly honest person. I say what I think on this board and tell it like it is. I have been honest with my H for the vast majority of our M, to the point that I created great pain in this wonderful "honesty". Told him our SL was bad. That was honest. Told him plenty of horribly honest things. He left. Now that I am keeping my mouth shut on the sex issue and many other issues, he tells me how happy he is. So how does that help me?
I am debating at this point being honest about the OM emails. Why burst his happy bubble, ya know? Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it on my own.
LFL

[LustForLife]

LFL, have lots of time to think these days after the boys go to bed Can't GAL much w/ H gone & the boys so don't think I'm too wierd for thinking about other people's sitch's as well as my own -- including yours.

Jeez Louize...don't waste your precious time thinking about me. You've got enough on your plate. But, thanks.

Is part of it just boredom? And then you got the email from OG (we'll call him "other guy" since he's not really OM) and it awakens the excitement and you start thinking about what you had w/ him that you don't have w/ H and so now you are kind of (for lack of a better word) dwelling on that?

That about sums it. Part boredom, part sexual frustration, part having seen that grass can be greener on the other side (in some aspects at least), and part my own mental confusion.
Thanks for your comments about "amping up" my SL, but girlfriend, I have tried everything. I just don't have it in me right now to try one more thing.
LFL

[Heywyre]

Don't you ever wonder what else is out there for you?

Not really. I guess, because this is my second marriage and I've already BTDT, and also because we have now got to the root of the problem, I am confident we are on much better footing. Yes, a lot of my M has been unpleasant but .... he is still my best friend and I am not about to throw 18 years of friendship out the window and start all over. I see things turning around and I am willing to keep working towards that place we both want to be. Also, let's face it, guys are hard to train, and I don't want to have to start all over again - lol (kidding, of course)

Joking aside, in my sitch I just feel I have a heck of a lot more to lose than to gain from leaving. And, if I have to trade all I have now just for sex, sorry, it's not worth it to me, regardless of the fact I am HD

[Cobra]

LFL,

The irony is, I do think I am a fairly honest person. I say what I think on this board and tell it like it is. I have been honest with my H for the vast majority of our M, to the point that I created great pain in this wonderful "honesty".

Yeah, my W prides herself on telling it like it is, at least her version of honesty and the truth. In the past, she would never hesitate to point out these “truths,” to confront someone about being honest. But for what purpose? To defend some high moral order? Nope, to exert and maintain control. Its easy to defend, because she and you are just being honest, right? But to those on the receiving end of this honesty campaign, it sure feels like a power play of some sort.

My W has learned to hold her tongue a little more now, which helps a lot. But underneath this need to be honest is still a lot of fear, insecurity, anger and resentment, KWIM? Its ironic that honesty can become passive aggression.

[Stigmata]

Hi, LFL,

I know you say you're past 2004 and it's a small part but I still get the feeling from your H's past escapism comment that it still sticks in your craw. You're only human. I hope one day it won't stir a wisp in you and you guys can only look forward.

I understand what you mean by lack of assertiveness. I think your H can gain this if you stay open as to what really turns you on. Has he read Deida or Eldredge's Wild at Heart or any "man" type books?

I might guess your H has a dominant mother and passive detached father. Lack of assertiveness is fostered many times by an overbearing mother who is trying to take on both the role of the mother and the assertive/aggressive guidance needed by a strong father or a mentor group of male elders.

Regardless, LFL, I think if you can somehow keep him feeling good about himself and his sexual positives you can ladder him up to where you'd like to be.

Finally, the next post I'm making I wrote earlier when your thread locked up. Please don't try and address it all -- it's HUGE as typical of my posts long ago.

I also address your OM letter issue. I think at this point since you didn't blow it off and engaged OM that H needs to see the "sweetheart and total hottie" lines and decide how to respond to OM. It may also allow him to be possessive and a bit more assertive.

But it's your call of course. Maybe he will feel it evens the playing field a little more than "somewhat." Dunno.

And as to your separating this BB from RL, big nod. We are all a little freer to open up and give each other 2x4s without the potentiality of irreversibly damaging a RL friendship.

-Stigmata-