I have known my W for over 25 years. We dated off and on in our early twenties and were married when I was 27 and she was 25. We’ve been married for 18 years now and we are now in the process of formulating a legal separation with intent to divorce, all her idea.
Exactly two years ago I noticed that she was spending most of her time at work including weekends, rather than coming home. I felt in my gut that something was wrong. When I asked her about it she told me she was not sure whether she wanted to be with me or not. She complained of being tired of doing everything everyone expected of her. She said she felt controlled and trapped and was under a lot of pressure from all fronts including parents (they were and still are demanding/passive aggressive), boss at that time (he was oppressive) and me. She had some extreme ideas of just leaving it all behind, running away and starting anew with our D and me in another country.
Her complaints towards me at that time were that I did not assume my proper share of the work around the house, I was controlling and that I was consumed by my hobbies and she wished that I made her my hobby. I was shell shocked as I never considered the possibility that we would not be together forever. I researched her emotions at the time to try to diagnose what was going on and thought that it was a mid life crisis. Unfortunately I did not know of DB and how to deal with it. But really what’s to do other than leave them alone and work on yourself.
Things were ugly for a couple of months during which she wanted to move out for a month to think things through. She never did when push came to shove she told me she did not want to move out. For the last two years I took everything to heart that she complained about me. I felt like a terrible husband and responsible for bringing us to this point. As a result I spent the last two years changing to address all her complaints. I assumed as much of the work around the house as I could, I paid all the bills, I was the parent that spent the most time on my daughter, I focused on my W completely to make her my hobby and I encouraged her to spend time on herself to “further” her personal goals. I use the word “further” because she already had alot of her own time to pour into work and pursue her career which was very successful and also spend time training for and competing in triathlons and marathons. During the last two years her training hours increased as she trained for and completed an Ironman triathlon and 80 km ultramarathon while still spending quite alot of hours at work. During this time it felt like the marriage was saved as there was no further talk of leaving. It seemed like things were back to normal. However, I noticed that after two years of putting all this effort into the marriage she was not equally reciprocating. When I approached her about this she said she had no energy to put into the marriage and we now ended up back where we were two years ago. The last two years in my mind did two things (1) It proved that I could change but unfortunately I was making changes in response to MLC influenced complaints rather than valid complaints (2) It put the MLC to sleep only to be awoken once again when I brought up the subject of not contributing equally to the M.
This puts us around April 1/07 two months before the Bomb of Jun 08/2007. During the April/May months I started researching like mad and again concluded a MLC and had found the DB book and this website during this time. When I presented the symptoms of a MLC to her she actually agreed that it is what she is going through.
I knew that I had to give her space and not make demands and also do things for myself. I suggested that we divide the week so that each spouse could do whatever they wanted without having to consult with the other spouse. She agreed. During this time however, she was extremely mad and angry at me. I would ask why she was so mad but she didn’t have an answer. This time her only complaint was that she shouldn’t have to ask me for permission for anything and that I was controlling. I felt that her thoughts were distorted as I have been killing myself to support her for the last two years and did not feel that the controlling comments were justified. She did a number of things to make me mad but I was very calm, supportive, non-blaming and gave her space. I would approach her approximately every three days with some R talk. Once again in a non-blaming and supportive manner. She seemed to respond during these talks but the next day she was mad again. I think the response was a result of guilt rather than anything else. I was getting desperate after she told me she had gone out on a couple of coffee dates with someone.
Finally she said she felt controlled by everyone and wanted me to move out for a month during which she would decide what to do with the rest of her life. This included career goals (she presently does not know where her career which peaked two years ago is going) her parents (they are old and sick and becoming quite dependent) and the M.
I agreed thinking that if I didn’t things would just get worse. It took nine days to move out during which I did the LRT. She seemed to be in a better mood the whole nine days, no anger. A week after I moved out she called to meet with a separation agreement that she compiled herself. I felt the reason she wasn’t angry during those nine days was not the LRT but rather knowing I was moving out and realizing the next step in her plan to get rid of me. This was the Bomb Jun 8/07.
I met her and told her that I felt I did everything I could to save the marriage. She agreed. I asked if there was anything more I could do or say. She said no. I asked if there was someone else. She said no. That was it for the relationship talk I conducted the rest of the meeting as a friend following the DB techniques. I told her she can always talk to me no matter what happens between us and that I wanted to be her friend. She said she wanted to be my friend as well and wanted to rely on my help with things when required. Unfortunately I know this meant more handyman type things than relationship things.
What surprised me the most was the impulsiveness of the separation agreement. My W put something together quick by herself and was looking for me to sign. Even though she has a strong legal and financial background she did not consult with our financial advisor nor tell him what is going on. She also said she did not need a lawyer to look at it. She is also very flexible about the separation of assets and said if I wanted more of the assets, she would rather give them to me than lose a friend. This may sounds very encouraging but I am sure it is just the guilt talking and nothing else.
Anyways here I am talking to out financial consultant and family law layer to put together a formal separation agreement. I could delay this but that would look like I am controlling and not respecting her feelings.
I am still doing the LRT and acting AS IF and trying to GAL but in addition to dealing with losing my sole mate, I need to find a place to live that is acceptable for me and my daughter which I will have every second week. Its not easy to find a place in a short time. The place I am leaving (my M is keeping) was our dream home and it took awhile to find and setup that way.
By the way we have not told our D about the separation agreement yet. She is in the middle of her final exams at school and we will wait until they are over with before telling her.
My plan for now is to let my W go do the LRT act AS IF and GAL and see where it takes me.
I don’t know if there is an OM or not. I’d say its a 50/50 chance. However, the interesting thing in my sitch is that this time the Bomb was dropped there were no insults, no ILYBNILWY no complaints except feeling controlled. She even mentioned at one point that she may be giving up the best husband in the world. This seems all different from the other MLC posts I’ve read.
During this whole process it is obvious she is thinking of herself only and I am trying to be as supportive as I can with the hope that the DB techniques will someday lead to reconciliation. The only thing that gives me hope is knowing that it is a MLC which will someday end.
Anyone with any insight or advice would be much appreciated.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Hope someone with experience in this will answer his questions.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
There are definitely similarities to our situations, not exact but similar. Now in your situation, since you have the express statement of your wife saying that she is going through MLC, you have something to hang you hat on. Unfortunately, she told you what she wants is going forward. I had to find out the hard way, i.e. OM. As you said you don't know about OM, but when someone does ultramarathons and triathlon, it can be all-consuming in effect that is their affair. SO who knows.
SO what do you do? Hmmm. Not much you can do about her. And it looks like you addressed her issues with you. A friend of mine has an ex-H who said to here that she did everything he could have wanted her to do and yet still had to leave. That is only part of it, but the statement stands on its own. It will be awfully difficult for you to fight her desires. This is not something that she came to overnight. This has been going on for years (I was married 15 years). Your approach to her sounds just about right. You seem to be following the techniques shown in the DB book.
I am at a loss. My ex saw me changing and that frightened her. She was afraid she wouldn't get her feelings back and sought an outside person. Your sought triathlons and work. And mine spent plenty of time at work even before anything happened.
Just keep doing what you are doing. I don't see much else you can do. As far as the separation goes, you can stall, but then that will prove that yoiu really haven't changed. Catch 22.
Good luick. Be a good man and no one can take that away from you.
Well, us guys are always trying to fix things. We just know in our minds that there must me some kind of key we can find or right combination to fix our marriage. The truth is that there are two individuals involved. You can't fix her and if she has her made up (due to another guy) there is nothing really you can do. I am convinced of that. Hell, she even told you that you might be the best husband in the World. Also, don't feel too guilty about the past. Don't feel like that it was you that solely destroyed the marriage to begin with. It is the relationship that failed. She accepted you for you and how you were from the beginning. She knew your behavior and traits. Vice versa for you. So don't beat yourself up over the past. Put this in God's hands. That is all we have. Don't try to fix it anymore. Be content with God and understand that your wife has work to do to.
"Just keep doing what you are doing. I don't see much else you can do. As far as the separation goes, you can stall, but then that will prove that you really haven't changed. Catch 22."
I feel the same about stalling about the separation. If I don't support it it looks like I am not respecting her feelings and not really doing an LRT a 180 and moving on event though the door is open for reconciliation.
I feel the more I detach the easier it will be live without her. I guess this is part of the point of detachment and GAL to be ready for the time when reconciliation is not going to happen.
The fear is that my W is doing the same thing convincing herself that she does not want to be with me. If you keep telling yourself something you eventually believe it. You can convince yourself of anything if you keep thinking it.
This is so surreal it sucks
P.S. I will look for your posts to see if there is anything I can learn from the similiarities.
I am not beating myself up over the past. The last two years confirmed it was not about me. Just wish there was more I could do about the future. It seems bleak for reconciliation but I guess the sitch is still young and I'll just have to wait and see.
Too bad A MLC doesn't follow any logic that you could deal with.
It proved that I could change but unfortunately I was making changes in response to MLC influenced complaints rather than valid complaints
This is a chicken and egg thing. My ex admitted to something of an MLC, but her complaints were valid. Make sure you learn the lessons.
Quote:
The last two years confirmed it was not about me.
You were there for 25 years and based on the above, you can't deny that things happened during the first 23.
I just want to point those things out because where the relationship was led to where it is. There are plenty of people who go through MLC and do not break up marriages. They real problem is that they didn't voice their concerns when they should have and stewed in their unhappiness. And then they run away because they are afraid they won't get the feelings back.
And if I may, I have an example. The guy who was my best friend in high school found a girl and from that point on, I barely heard from him. I was his bets man. And when I did hear from him, it was on his terms that he wanted to get together. I became best friends with another fellow (who to this day is my best friend). I moved away after marriage and when I was going to be in the area, I would always call. Hey, I will be here on such and such dates, perhaps when you go to see your mother (who lived in my hometown), you can stop by. Hey, we can meet for a drink. This went on for years and I stopped calling. And now he is pissed that I don't call to the point where he talked behind my back at the last class reunion. And said things to me like hey, best man, you never call. Well, he forgot about the 15 years I did call. (One of my other closest buds had a similar experience with him and doesn't care anymore either.) Now, of course, this is not a marriage, but I no longer have any feelings for him. It is neutral. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.
Thanks for the info. Didn't know whether it was designed to give me some hope for reconciliation or prepare me for non-reconciliation though. I guess at this point I am looking for hope.
I understand you want hope. It was designed to help you no matter what happened. Let's say she never returns, you need to make sure to take the lessons learned. Let's say she is at some point inclined to return, you need to make sure to take the lessons learned. But I did want you to think about it and you have.
I have been divorced over 6 year, so my marriage is done. One thing I learned through all of this is not to have expectations of others. (Yes, I do have some basic level for coworkers, bosses, children and even my ex.) What it does for me is this. When things go wrong, my disappoinments are easy to move past. When things go well, I feel that I have been greayly blassed.
Now, I know it is hard to imagine and I do come from a very detached state from my situation which means I can be detached from the stories here, which I have seen a million times. We never know what tomorrow holds, but whatever it does hold, I know for a fact that you will be ok.
Good luck. Stay positive. Keep doing the things you have to do to be happy.
