Nothin' like spending 3 days with WAS to detach!

[Dr.mom]

Well, my my. Just had to check in and tell y'all about my weekend.

Well, he did it. He joined me on the Retrouvaille marital retreat this past weekend. What an absolutely amazing, and wonderful program. I can't recommend it enough. Any of you, if you can get your spouses there, beg, plead, use duct-tape, just get them there!

Wow, 3 intensive day together. I got a lot of feedback from him and answers to many of the questions that have been swirling about my head for the past 5 months of our separation.

I can't quite report back on the outcome. My husband is a little slow on the uptake. He dredged up a lot of repressed angst, and I am going dark to let him "process" this info. He was pretty walled off and in denial, so this may be a lot of info for him.

Nothing interesting came out, affairs, etc. etc. so no good gossip there.

However, I want to comment on the phenomenon I experienced. I have not seen my WAH very much for 5 months, an hour in counseling here, an evening date there. Traveling for 3 hours and spending 3 days together was an eye opener. I DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM!!!!!!!

He has gotten really weird, superficial and way too obsessed with his looks. He cannot make conversation, he can be socially embarrassing. You forget about all their weird mannerisms. Oh my, what a blessing in disguise! I am finally able to truly detach!

Free at last! Free at last!!!

I'll still stand for this marriage, but sheeesh, this certainly makes it easier to sleep at night!

[NMHurting]

sounds like you got a lot more out of the program then you expected. I'm happy for you pony.

[mkultra]

Ponygirl, I was thinking about you. What an unexpected turn of events. I am asking myself the same thing. Of course we believe in marriage, but what will hold us to our commitments when the men who are gone seem to be less than worth the fight?

[Dr.mom]

AS the TV commercials say "results seen here are not typical".

I saw miracles happen between the other 35 couples that attended the weekend. The walls came down for many of them. They were clutching each other by the end of the weekend.

I was open to any flicker of hope with WAH. But after seeing how all this good stuff was just sliding right off him, I just took a good hard look, and a BIG STEP BACK.

Ha, ha would it not be funny if he started wandering his way back home, now.

Note to all newcomers. When your spouse leaves and you feel like all the oxygen is being sucked out of the room and you can't even breathe. Just hold your breathe, and wait.

You too can detach. Probably the best thing I can do right now . ..

[mkultra]

I mean I am starting to get all of these signals that I am too good for my H and as hurtful as that sounds it is making this dark week easier. I do not miss him. I do not want to even see him. I do not care if he calls. I am annoyed if he tries. I am losing hope of saving my marriage because now I am reverting back to the numb stage I was in before the bomb.

[Sara]

PonyGirl, I'm glad you had a good experience at Retrouvaille. But I don't think you had the intended reaction. Still, it's good to know that even when Retrouvaille fails to bring people closer together that it is a worthwhile life-changing experience. Perhaps this is why it is called "rediscovery", because you do rediscover your spouse. I guess it should come with a warning that you may not like the person you rediscover there!

[Dr.mom]

I am not numb. I feel kinda free and empowered. Let's hope I can ride this feeling out as long as I can.

Lot of good work done and great things said (by me) on this weekend. It was kind of like having one of those great, fictitious conversations in your head. You know, the one where you get to say everything to them you ever wanted to say, and you say it eloquently. And you are pretty sure they HEARD it all.

I figured, if I never saw or spoke to him again, I got it all out. Kinda realized, even though the demise of our marriage fell on both our heads, the majority of the healing will fall on his.

I realized this weekend I have made great changes in myself. I like my morals, my character, and what I stand for. I like the fact that I found my spirituality again, and that gives me great strength. He sees the changes. He saw them big-time this weekend. I trumped him at every turn. Rise above it all.

I think he realized he is still pretty messed up, and has a long way to. I will be there for him, side by side all the way, if he wants it. I think he knows that by now. But the first step is his.

Time to stop wasting time on this relationship. I have done WHAT I can, and all that I can. Satisfied. Time to start spending all that energy on things that will make my life a better place.

Giddy-up.

[Dr.mom]

Oh yeah, the Retrouvaille experience was FABULOUS!!! I will recommend it to every couple in trouble.

I still hope it will crack the stone wall in my husband. I'm giving him plenty of time to "digest" what occurred that weekend, it was all pretty powerful. I'd love it if he came around. His walls were pretty thick. I was pleased we "got through" a little bit.

[mkultra]

Amen to that! Let him pick up the reigns for a while. See what happens. Really, why should you carry it the entire time. I know the first few chapters says we must roll up our sleeves because of all the work involved in saving a marriage, but c'mon. You/ We are treasures. We deserve to be treasured.

[lac69]

Ponygirl,
I think maybe the reason he acted the way he did was because he was not positive that is what he wanted, and where he wanted to be. I do not believe anything halfhearted can have good results. It is too bad the weekend did not go as you planned, or hoped, but I am glad you still found it beneficial. Are the two of you doing the follow-up meetings? Maybe after your husband processes the info from the Retrouvaille weekend, he will be better able to reach out at the weekly meetings.
I was thinking of and praying for you all weekend.