Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
This is the first posting in a long, long time (I know) but things have just been too upsetting for me and I had to take a break from the boards for a while
H and I are still together, primarily for the main reason my brother is still living with us and needs a stable home environment for the time being. I can't see him living on his own for at least another 4-6 months at the earliest.
There have been many ups and downs in the past couple of months but I think we have finally come to a place where H is realizing the importance of cooperating and assisting me to get through this.
We had our first "date" last Friday and it went well. H has NEVER been one for dates, and even hates the name. We stayed home (primarily due to the fact that brother went out for the evening to visit friends and we were alone for a few hours for the first time in 2 months - since brother's arrival)
We had a glass of wine, some munchies and we talked - calm and collected. Then I suggested a game (of course I had planned this out well in advance) and out came 20 pieces of carefully folded paper, each containing a question (some simple, some provocative) and we took turns back and forth, asking the other the questions. It was a fun time and I highly suggest it to all (a better idea would be to have both partners input their questions instead of just one, like I did)
A couple of days later, I asked him about some phone numbers that were on his cell bill. He very calmly told me what they were and even called them one by one to show me there was nothing awry about them. THAT was a HUGE step towards building the trust after all that has happened in the past few months.
We still have some major hurdles to climb over but I think we might have just turned a small corner towards repairing this mess.
He even admitted to thinking about sex with me EVERYDAY!!! Everyday? Can you believe that? Even though we have not ML in over two years (and almost 3 before that) he still admits to thinking about it. Now we just have to find a way to get there. That also seems to be coming around slowly but surely.
The only thing I am not pleased with is H has stopped seeing the therapist. He feels he doesn't need to anymore and is "tired" of people telling him what to do. He feels we can handle things on our own now. He has also reduced his AD but at least that is under the supervision of his doctor (and me) so we will have to keep a close watch on that one. I definitely don't want him slipping yet again.
We are going to a comedy show this Friday night and then Saturday and Sunday he is actually going to a 2-day seminar with me about reprogramming your sub-conscious mind
Have any of you read any of Bruce Lipton's books? FANTASTIC !!! Now we are going to take the seminar (Psych-K) to put it all into motion (hopefully). Basically it is a way to meld the two minds (conscious and sub-conscious) together so they work in harmony. Your conscious mind is only 5% of what you do so you can see how important it is to have some control over your sub-conscious. The theory is, we are pre-programmed from the time we are very young and now the "software" is outdated and needs to be changed, but the computer (us) doesn't know how to change it - Psych-K is the process
It is not an inspirational seminar (I can't stand those) but rather a building block to better yourself - more along the lines of a self-healing, empowerment
I am looking forward to it - especially since H has agreed to go too.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Well can you believe it ...2-3 years ago I was posting on here saying things were getting better - what was I thinking? The only difference now if that I have wasted another 3 years of my life for what?
A couple of months ago I told H that I was going back to counselling for ME - if he chose to go, good for him but I was not holding my breath. Interestingly enough he went too, however it is too little too late. Now all of a sudden he is this blubbering mass of emotions and "now sees everything". In the meantime I have moved on and really don't see the point in wasting anymore time in this marriage. The terrible thing about it is I still have feelings for the man and don't want to hurt him but I know I will. He can feel me pulling away from him and it breaks my heart to see him this way (he is 65 years old and I am presuming he thought this would be his last realtionship)
I truly don't know how to handle this whole mess. I should have left years ago when it would have been easier to just hate him and walk out. Now I have watied too long and I feel terrible.
I told him I needed time and that he was smothering me so he has currently moved into the spare room but I would prefer he move out of the house but we really can't afford it at this time as he has made yet another several purchases of vehicles (without my knowledge) and put us in a financial pinch. I know if we separate we will have to deal with this but at least then it will involve selling the house to pay for things (which I really don't want to do but do I have a choice?)
God help me get through this mess
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I didn't read your entire thread. I was wondering what this "attachment theory" was, I don't know if he cheated on you or what, or he was very close to you and you didn't like it so you moved him into the other room, etc.
It's a loooooooooooooooong story and you would probably have to go back a few years and many, many postings to get the whole story but the Reader's Digest version of it is 2 A's and well on his way to a third when he got caught again. Not to mention porn, selling drugs, buying expensive vehicles and/or other items without any discussion or input from me etc. etc. Not to mention the total lack of intimacy in our M (we are now up to 1 session of sex (I won't call it love making because it was strictly mechanical on his part) in 4 years - YES 4 YEARS!)
Attachment Theory has some similarities to Madonna/Whore complex and can be in combination to it as well - where my H fits in. The central theme of AT is that mothers who are responsive to their infants' needs establish a sense of security within that infant. Children that do not establish a secure attachment to their mother/caregiver (in my H's case he was adopted) have problems with relationships later in life - particularly intimate relationships
I am well educated and have a good job, I workout, I am in good shape, attractive and have an incredible sex drive. I have had numerous offers from other men in the past number of years but I want more than just the sexual act - I want an emotional connection, which he doesn't know how to provide. I have one friend in particular (male) that I know would like more than just a friendship (and yes H knows about this friend) but this friend is VERY supportive of my M and has encouraged me more than anyone else to keep fighting for it. But even he knows I am at the end of my rope.
I have never been one to brag about myself but have come to realize in the past 6 months that I have A LOT to offer in a relationship and have been sacrificing my needs for way too long. It is now time to take care of me
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
K - you can always email me directly at heywyre2002@hotmail.com
take care - H
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I can't believe it's you!! I didn't know you were still posting here. I'm really sorry things aren't going better for you. Keep us updated!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
