I really don't know where to start and I am so friggin confused it isn't funny. I feel better for having taken the step to move out (truly it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life) but at the same time I can't help wondering if it really was the right thing.
We have been separated for 4 months now and it really isn't getting any easier. The emotional rollercoaster is unbearable at times. I have good friends (thank God) that give me support but ultimately I know it is ME that has to deal with it all.
In H's mind, if I would "just let things go" and "get past it" we could move forward. How the hell do you move forward when he constantly insists it is MY way of thinking that is hindering us. He says we have very "different thought patterns" - amazing discovery Sherlock! Guess what? EVERYONE in the world has a different thought pattern. That's what makes us unique - other wise we would just be clones no?
The thing I am dealing with the most these days is the loss of 22 years together. It is worse than a death and when I told him it was sad that after all those years it had come to this he said "it's not sad, it is what it is" - how callous is that?
Why do I even care what the man thinks? But I find myself almost obsessing about what he's doing, who he's spending time with (although he says he would "never" be with anyone again after me). He is also dealing with the possibility of having prostate surgery which is making me feel guilty as well.
And to add to things - a very good, long time friend of mine (male) that knows my history, and has helped tremendously throughout this whole process (unbiased I might add, which is almost unheard of) is showing very serious signs of interest in me. He has been an amazing friend and he's an incredible man and I could definitely see us being together - he absolutely adores me so why can't I accept that?
Yes, I know it hasn't been that long that we have been separated and perhaps I shouldn't be thinking about being with someone else but in that time I have totally taken care of ME and it feels great. All my friends have commented on how nice it is to see the really me back again and, besides, although I have been separated for only 4 months, I have been living "alone" for the passt 15 years.
All comments greatly appreciated
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
please contact me via email - heywyre2002@hotmail.com
Thanks
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
It sounds like you are torn between trying to reconcile and starting something with someone new. Whatever happens with H, it has to be something new -- a new M or a new R as X-spouses.
The thing is, while H sounds like he'd like to reconcile, it doesn't seem as if he's done anything to make a new R work.
Maybe it is time to read or reread PM. Get VERY clear, be VERY direct with yourself and H about what you want from a romantic R, how what happens now will affect your choices in one month or six months (or whatever).
But, for your own sake, make sure you are DONE before getting involved with someone else. Your confusion shows you aren't DONE. You have a dear friend. Getting involved now risks not only that friendship but a potentially wonderful romantic R in the future AFTER you've fully emotionally divorced your H.
First of all - you are right. H has really done nothing to show he is committed to making the changes necessary to make this R work. There are lots of promises IF I come back but I need to see something upfront WAY BEFORE I would even consider the idea and even then, I don't see it being possible. There has just been too much hurt over the past 10 years in particular to ever be able to trust him totally again.
Secondly - my friend is giving me all the space I need to make whatever decisions I feel are right for me (regardless of his opinion - which he will NOT give me) - he is refraining from making any comments that would deem to biased - which I respect tremendously.
I don't feel there is confusion per se in my mind. It would be more of a grieving I am experiencing. After all, I have gone through hell and back and still wanted to work things out after many many years and lots of hurt and pain. When that wasn't forthcoming, I left. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and my life hasn't been easy at the best of times.
I know H wants to reconcile but I truly don't see any chance of reconciliation that would be healthy for either of us. I can't say I don't care for the man, and I don't wish him any harm. I hope he is happy and can find someone that understands him better than I did (which, quite frankly, I don't see happening because he has some psychological issues that need addressing and he is (1) unwilling to even admit he has any and (2) is also unwilling to even make an effort to try and figure out where we went wrong)
We have tried 4 different counsellors and he still thinks he knows more than they do - so what's the point
This is not about reconciling - it is about trying to move forward in my life
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
