LRT backfire for anyone? More patience needed?

[Dr.mom]

Okay, I have been DB-ing for a few months now. Been separated for 6. For the past 8 weeks, after returning home from a some-what unsuccessful marital weekend retreat, I have employed the LRT tactic. Gone completely dark.

For reference, the retreat was great for me. Helped me see my WAH in a new light, I learned to detach. I learned this was not my problem and I could do nothing more. I said everything I wanted to say to him on that weekend. I was cool, I was collected. I radiated unconditional love. I was proud of myself.

It all bounced right off him.

So I went dark.

The 2 months previous, we had been "Dating" weekly and he was reluctantly coming to MC, although spending the entire time talking about getting a D. During these 2 months I have been db-ing like crazy. Getting a life, trying to "fix" me and improving my life acting "as if" and doing a 180.

Has anyone ever had this BACKFIRE?

WAH just sat back and said "Wow, you really impress me" and "I see these changes, and hope you are doing them for YOU, and not for me". He said my attitude and outlook on life are "inspirational" to him. In other words, I think he sees all this as me being fine with the impending divorce, that I'll bounce back and do great.

Phone calls from him ceased, emails sputtered out, to the occasional "I hope you are doing well, enjoying life and having adventures".

After going dark, I got even less contact. He showed up once to the house, unannounced, and poked around while I was gone. I thought maybe that was a glimmer of curiousity.

Nothing. Like he is happy I have "moved on".

What now? How do you backpedal out of the LRT?

[mkultra]

How long have you been Going Dark? Have you read about Plan B on Marriage Builders? I am trying to implement that. I do not know if anything backfires, but I am striving to lead a more authentic life. DBing is a great experience for me, but I also want to be alive and honest. I hate holding back so much of my true feelings. I am happier detaching and I realize how I live my life no longer affects my H in any way. My D's TH basically said I no longer exist to my H by the way he treats me. This may seem harsh but it is actually liberating. I can live my life as I see best, not for him. Your H noticed the changes in you and made a remark that it should be for you. That is actually belittling coming from someone who you shared eternal vows with and he does not even realize it. My H said it did not matter how much weight I lost or how much I cooked and clean he would never come back to this house. Well, at least he noticed I lost weight and cleaned out the garage!

[mkultra]

Welcome back, Pony. I missed you.

[Dr.mom]

Thanks babe, been lurking, not posting. Actually, trying to write the Great American Novel. More productive than spewing on the internet.

Keeping up on your sitch. Prayers for ya my sista!
But now I need to spew . . .

Gonna try Marriage Builders for a while. Part of me is just done. Am afraid anymore time spent on this subject (marriage) is going to damage me for good.

Anyway, actually I am pretty happy with the going dark/LRT. No panic at who is going to be on the phone, no frantically checking emails anymore. Actually want to discard my old email address. It is just him and Spam these days, as I have a new account.

He finally agreed to take his dogs away. They were starting to drive me nuts. One I really hate, and I was getting tired of having to come home 3X daily to care for them. I have no idea where they are. His apartment won't let them stay. But for some odd reason, I no longer care. His responsibility.

Now I am free, to go on vacation, take long weekends. Come home late. I feel like the "kids" are away at camp.

Anyway this is why all my bliss is disturbed. When WAH dropped the bomb (June15) I asked him for a 3 month grace period. He agreed. The deadline is coming up in a week or two. Also that week is our 10 year anniversary and his 38th birthday (yeah. I kinda planned that).

I am getting weirded out on what to do. He has remained steadfast in his desire for an amicable dissolution. I went dark July 18th. I'd like to stay dark, especially since I sense he will seek me out to "talk about our dissolution".

The week before is our anniversary/his B-day. How do I respond? I just want to ignore it. He wants me to disappear, get out of his life, get on with my own.

Advice?

[JustDucky]

Ponygirl, I have those same thoughts and feelings... H will think I am doing just great- which, in a way, I am. But that doesn't mean I don't want the marriage. It just means I am not pining away, waiting for him . Because with my H, the chance of him doing something other than what he is doing (absolutely nothing) seems pretty infintessimal. (sorry about the botched spelling).

I am counting on the Lord to do what He needs to do because, quite honestly, my H's thoughts, attitudes and behaviors are out of my control. I am only responsible for me.

And I think, for both of us, we need to keep doing what we're doing. The final outcome is still far away. And if the outcome isn't OUR desired outcome, at least we didn't waste our life, waiting, and doing nothing.

[Dr.mom]

JD- I agree. It's just the little things that trip me up. Like am I supposed to send a card?

I am having a hard time standing. I know it is all out of my control, I am good with that. I can't change the outcome.

[mkultra]

ANNIVERSARY-If I were you, I would be gracious to accept anything he gives you for your anniversary. he may call you to feel you out, like the night before and act like he forgot. You know he knows! Ignore it until he makes the first move but be prepared either way. Do not plan anything or pursue. Don't start feeling sorry for him now. Think about you.

BIRTHDAY-If you do send a birthday card, remember to mention the past not the future. Just say you were glad he came into your life. That is the truth, right? If you are included in his Bday plans, act as if. Joke about good times without sentimentally reminiscing. If he acts like he wants to be with his new or transitional friends, don't take it personally. He feels so low about himself and he probably is so self centered that he assumes you don't want to be with him. Don't pursue it or act left out.

[Lissie2414]

HI
I am new to this and was reading your post. It seems to me like you are a very strong person. You hang in there and keep doing what you have been doing. I am having a hard time doing everything that I am suppose to be doing but I am doing it with a smile on my face just for him.

I have that same question about what if I show no interest and move on won't that make it easier for him to leave or at least not feel bad about it. Won't he just think it is fine and we are done. I am very confused by all this. Do you really think it could be backfiring on you?

[Dr.mom]

Lissie - hang in there, you get stronger with time. It really does happen. I am no longer crouched in the fetal position on the floor all the time.

I wish I had the strength to detach and Go Dark earlier. Just could not do it. I think it is a very effective tool. Do it.

I could finally do it because I HAD to, not because it fit well into the DB scheme of things. WAH was theoretically slapping me to the ground at every turn. Physically, mentally and emotionally turning me away. I had no choice but to Go Dark. I had the perfect opportunity and I took it. We had spent a 3 day marital retreat together ( dragged him there) , I had said everything I wanted to him at that weekend. Told him how much I'd work, how strong we could be, how our marriage was worth it. It was perfect, it was eloquent. Good "last words" to end on.

He did peek back several times. I think I missed my window of opportunity to come out of the dark. HE called and emailed a few times, mainly about canceling out on our MC sessions each week. I just ignored the calls. Invited me to go to the dog park with him one weekend, but I was too afraid to go. I was afraid he was going to be all "well, since now you and I are on the same page, let's get going and talk about how this dissolution is going to proceed". I just could not handle the "happy happy let's divorce the best of friends" attitude he has. I ran.

MK- I don't expect anything from him. I won't get a call, we don't speak or see each other. Have not for 2 months. No kids, no no reason for any contact at all. I get a check from him on the 15th. That's it. No notes, no email, no messages.

I don't expect a card from him for our anniversary. That would be too weird. That is why I am wondering, do I send one? It just seems so bizarre. Like I am the one to get all mushy, and send something saying "Baby, don't go, let's try for 10 more years". and I WON'T send a card. But he is totally gone, can't even think of me in that way, and WILL send a cheezy card. Just because it is "Polite" and he was raised to be "nice".

I can see sending him a small card on his B-day. I CERTAINLY won't hear from him, I laughed when you talked about him inviting me out. NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

He's a "bury your head in the sand" type of person. The more he can ignore me, bury any thoughts of me, the better he feels. HE is real good at the Denial Game.

I rather like going dark. Maybe it means I have truly detached and can move on. This was all going so well, I was starting to feel healthy again, then I looked at the calendar.

Also, like I said before. This is also the "week of the 3 month deadline".

I take it back. I DO expect him to contact me - about going through with the D.
Friends, family and MC have strongly told me DO NOT MAKE CONTACT. DO not initiate contact, else he will think,
"Oh, good, she is coming out of the woodwork. She took her vacation, now she is ready to come to the table. Let's get going with this divorce discussion."

He is not good at making decisions alone. He wants me "on board" and holding his hand with this decision, so he can feel better.

I AM NO LONGER THE "ENABLER". I won't help with this.

Frankly, I am trying to see if I can be out of town that week. Missing in Action.

Maybe I will NOT send anniversary card at all. Maybe will send B-day card LATE.

[Lissie2414]

Thanx Ponygirl. I will hang in there. I do not think I can go dark as we have a 3 year old that we have to share responsiblity for. I am hoping that is going to help us out but who knows. He tells me plenty of parents do it separately. However that was before when I was doing everything I should not have been doing. No matter what I said he would have a reason for it to not be so.

I am really hanging in there that things are going to work out but you never know.

As for the cards. I say you do not on your anniversary but you do send the late birthday card. Also if your anniversary is before his birthday and he sends you a card then in the birthday card you should say that you got his card and it reminded you of his birthday and sorry it is late.

I will keep you in my thoughts that he is going to make the right decision when he finally does and come home to you.