So, lat week I am obsessing. I have gone dark and gone on with my life. Part of me is still hiding in the corners, waiting to see what happens in mid-September, when my "three month grace period" comes to a close. Waiting to see what H will do as far along as going back to push for divorce.
SO, I am doing a good job, totally detached, and then start freaking out over the upcoming birthday and 10 year wedding anniversary. I wanted to stay dark and make him seek me out, either for a divorce, or something else.
Kinda agonizing over whether I should break down and come out of the dark to send a card for his B-day. Recognize the anniversary, and wondering how this all might affect his decision.
Well, I have been hanging out with a new friend (yes, of the male persuasion) and we decide to take our dogs out for a romp. The two doggies have met before and get along fine. Out of the blue, his lab attacks my beagle, ripping her to shreds. I have to get her to the ER. All my other small animal-vet friends are out of town, or can't get me into their clinic. Knowing this will probably cost about $1500 if I just go to the local puppy ER, I had to break down and take her to my husbands' clinic (he is a veterinary surgeon)on the other side of town.
I call his cell, leave a VM about our beagle. He actually calls me back. Very detached and business-like, he says to bring her right in.
Never even comes out to see me. The techs stop me at the door and take my dog. I am not even allowed to come back to the clinic area to help/watch. I am treated like a stranger and client by every staff member in the hospital. I just break down and start crying, stand there in the waiting room. No one does anything. My dog is dying and my husband does not even come out to see me.
Get a phone call from H later in the day. I can't even pick it up. He leaves word that she is fine. He'll keep her over the weekend and I can pick her up whenever. He is talking to me in the childish sing-sing voice I have heard him use on the phone with clients for 14 years. I hate it.
He has learned to detach way better than I.
SO, here I am, home from my weekend whitewater rafting trip, and needed to pick up said beagle. I'm not even going to shower to go over to the clinic. I know he won't bring her out to me.
SO much for DB. SO much for going dark and making him contact me. Now the contact is out there, I have to acknowledge the B-day/anniversary.
Sigh!
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
Oh, Pony, I am so sorry for your trauma. And a more traumatic experience. That is so sad. I have read heere how people are going to wedings and funerals and how their spouses are stillholding a cold front. I am sure it is to protect themselves.
"I have to acknowledge B-day..."
Why? Why do you have to acknowledge it just because you went to his hospital? Going Dark has a dimmer switch. You can be positive and still protect yourself.
I have no idea about that birthday stuff. You know I have to think about it too. So I imagine we are both beginners and not together and I would not send any man a birthday card or aniversary card if he was a boyfriend who broke up with me months ago. Unfortunatly, that is how my H talks to me, not as a W, but as a silly litle obsessed ex girlfriend who needs to "get over it" as he put it.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
How is your little beagle, how is your broken heart? What could have caused a lab to attack a beagle? Will you still be friends with that man? Did your H know that the beagle was attacked by that ma's dog? Is that why he is mad or is it because you will not talk to him so now he needs the control to not talk to you?
Going dark is so hard. I am relieved that I do not have to see my H. I cannot believe you did not even get a hug or a change in his tone of voice. I am amazed at your strength.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I am so sorry Pony. I want to tell your husband off for you.
I don't see why you have to acknowledge either of the two dates. If you feel you do have to then just acknowledge his birthday as you would any other FRIEND'S birthday. Even that is being generous as he isn't even treating you like that.
If he can be so cold don't acknowledge your anniversary UNLESS it makes you feel better - don't do it for him - at the moment he is not acting in a way that deserves your attention. You might yet get a bill from his practice.
I am so sorry that he is making this so painful for you. Were you on friendly terms with his staff before? If they have changed the way they are towards you does that mean anything?
It's all so hard.
Is your beagle going to be ok?
((((HUGS))))) Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Yup, the people at his practice are all old friends and colleagues. People I partied with, went to conventions with the past 12 years. They all gave me the hairy eyeball, like I was a leper. I wonder what all he has told his workplace about us. They avoided me like the plague.
Not going to read to much into their behavior. People are weird. No one ever knows how to react in situations like that. Very awkward for everyone.
At least I was dressed for a date and looked very good: Short hiking shorts and boots, white t-shirt, tan legs, blond hair curly, loose and flowing. I really wished H would have come out to see me like that. I had my game on.
He is a coward. Easier to hide "back in the surgery suite" than come out and be a man . . . .that's routine for him. Hide or run away.
I wanted to stand in the middle and scream "I DID EVERYTHING I COULD FOR THIS MAN AND HE TURNED ME AWAY".
H did not know about the incident that caused the attack. I am not that dumb to mention it and stir up trouble. We live on a farm, and the dogs get into all sorts of scrapes. It was evening, and I just told him I came home and found her like that. Probably a stray dog that she got into it with. Par for the course around here. The beagle weighs all of 18 pounds and thinks she runs the world, does not back down to anything, but has some social issues (gee, sounds a lot like her mum).
H was very cordial on the phone. Seemed very concerned and caring about the dog, but then again, I hear him like this everyday at the end of the day when he has to call back owner's regarding their pet's status. He treated me professionally and courteously, like he does all his clients. Not a word about anything else. I am sure, in his mind, he thinks he is being "wonderful", caring and generous.
I just can't stomach the "cold, distant" bit. I am always shocked at how un-emotional and robot-like he is, and always has been.
There I go again, thinking this man could ever change. A lepoard can't change it's spots. At least I was as to-the-point and composed as he was. Calm detachment.
About the other dog, the lab, and the fight-incident. Well, it was our fault. We were fishing, and throwing the dead fish to the dogs on the bank. Bad idea, they got into a fight over food (a big dead fish). Both are females, and are known to be scrappy fighters. The guy felt totally terrible, his sentiments were actually very touching and sweet. He held me for a long time while I bawled after I dropped the beagle off at the hospital. Poor guy, he really had no clue why I was crying so hard. But the hug felt really good. Reeeeeeallllllllly good.
And it was nice to be around a guy who could be emotional and supportive and talk me through things. He's a really neat individual. Getting to know him has been very helpful to me. Sometimes you need to get a 2X4 upside the head. To realize there are mature, balanced, emotionally stable people out there who treat you well.
Why are we all obsessing over these sick individuals? Why do we think they can change? Why do we accept their sub-par behavior?
By the way, New Guy (NG, for short) sent a "get well card" from his dog to mine. Very cute. Also keeps insisting he will pay for all vet bills. We both knew our dogs were a little unstable, but they had done so well on other outings. We just got lax, our fault for giving them food to fight over. His lab also had a chipped canine tooth, so in effect, as a "sharp point" that cut the beagle more than a normal "scuffle" should have.
Maybe I should bring the lab into today, for H to fix the tooth. That should send him spinning!
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
I know you said that you weren't going to read too much into how the staff were but do you think your H might have got it on with somone who works for / with him?
I only ask because you were wondering if he was involved with someone else in an earlier posting. Also it kinda rings a bell with me. When my H was having his A the OW was one of his employees. I did feel the atmopsphere with his staff was different but I put it down to me being in a funny frame of mind rather than suspecting my H of doing anything. His staff were really on edge with me and obviously, in hindsight didn't like the position they had been put in. But ultimately they were loyal to H and OW as they worked with both. Also it transpires that the one's that would have told me were too worried of losing their jobs if I had heard about it from them. Which is understandable I guess _ BARS!@RDS
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I'm so sorry that happened! I'm glad he saved your dog. Try not be so hard on him for his coldness. That is who he is. That is the face he shows the world, and it is his safety mechanism. The aberration is that you ever saw him any other way. I'm sure he told his staff nothing about you, except that he had moved out a while back. They don't know the story, so they don't know what to do. As long as he doesn't bill you for the surgery, he's not treating you like any other patient.
Send him a damn card for his birthday and write thank you for being there for the dog on it. I guess I wouldn't acknowledge the anniversary. I don't know if they count at a time like this. You say this every time -- the more you see him the more you dislike him. Do you forget in between visits? Probably. You have an idea of who he is in your head, but that person is gone. Just as my little children are gone and replaced by young adults. No matter how I try to call back the little boy who fought to sit in his mother's lap and kiss her, I get a surly, cursing 24 year old who only visits when he wants money. Life is change. If we don't accept that and move on we risk damaging ourselves.
I don't think that is neccessarily why they would act like that. My H's coworkers acted like that with me to read my gauge. I know they support me but also love my H so it is just awkward to be neutral when you really want to just console the LBS without alienating the WS. I acted that way with another LBS at a party the other day. She was OK with her WS so we knew how to act.
I think it would be interesting to see what would happen if this guy friend paid the bill for the beagle. That would raise some eye brows.
I agree with Sara. He may also be trying to detach. We have to remember this process is hard on everyone. You are the lighthouse, let the waves crash atound you. In the long run, you will be standing.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Oh Ponygirl I am so sorry to hear about your doggie. I am glad that she is OK. It is even worse to hear how your H reacted to it all.
It is good that you are realizing that he may not come back. That is something I am trying to do right now. I myself can not understand how even if they are not in love with us anymore they can act the way they do sometimes to us. I think mine would have more compassion for a stranger at this point than me. Why do they need to do that to us? I am wondering on some level if mine is not mad at me for letting things get this far and not being able to pick up on it beforehand and fix the issue then. I honestly think he feels I should have realized how bad our sitch was and corrected it before he had to say anthing
That is the way our R went. I would fix everthing but I honestly had not a clue things were as bad as they were. So maybe by having to have him say something he is angry at me for it. I am just babbling but could that be it?
Ponygirl hang in there and keep your chin up this NG sounds very promising to say the least. But be aware of a rebound R as I hear those can be worse. You will get through this.
